I turned 31.

I looked around me in the sunshine, staring at the flat valley from the ridge of the Bridger range when my mom called. I smiled at life as a whole for the first time in a couple months. I remembered to thank this world, my amazing life in it and thanked my family and friends and for all the love I experience everyday. I shared a special day with good friends, beautiful views and amazing experiences and realized how lucky I am for the kind of life I have had the opportunity to choose. I wholeheartedly remembered to appreciate and give thanks to the life I am privileged to have.

my heart no longer breaks from events past. I am left jaded nonetheless. but the pain in my chest has disappeared, I am ready to carefully go on and build a life after the fact. I have learned a lot and give thanks for the experience. give thanks to have become so devastated that it gave me the strength to completely change my life and once again follow my dreams.

on Friday I met someone that made my heart skip a beat. I am shocked to find that maybe I am actually ready to meet someone. I have come far enough from my heart break that I actually might be ready to feel something for someone. I am shocked to have felt this or experienced this. I am not ready for it, nor do I know what to do about it and what would be the appropriate next step to take? for the most part, since I do not dare to dream of anything, nor am I willing to give up my loneliness I am inclined to do absolutely nothing. but most importantly, while I am scared, I realized I am okay with the thought and do not duck for cover horrified. well, close, but not entirely. actually, never mind, I am scared.

like I wrote recently, the thought of being touched or loved is scary to me and I shiver at the thought. I don’t think I will ever be ready, I might have to let it happen on its own, but I don’t know when I will ever be comfortable with it.

I have to share this because it warmed my heart. I spent my birthday in Livingston and my friend Megan raised her glass to me and said “happy birthday, I wish to be as cool as you when I turn 31”. thirty-one sounds old, by the way. I am an adult now. thirty still sounded like I was just beginning getting to be an adult. but thirty-one sounds like I should be an adult. I am. am I? with more time off and better toys and freedom to decide what to do with my life. you can choose to be a child for the rest of your life. I am.