I have a subscription to cleaning products. If that isn’t some sign of getting old, I don’t know what is.

I should talk more to myself. Because now that I am here, I suddenly don’t know what to say. Or I don’t know where to start.

Liz got married. Over the past few weeks I learned from bystanders what an amazing and incredibly strong group of women we are. I applaud Liz for bringing us together. The female presence in the room was palpable. I didn’t quite comprehend it to this volume until we were all in this space together.  I booked us a cabin in Hyalite for her bachelorette. And I am so grateful for making more connections with these incredibly strong group of women. I applaud you.

I was moved deeply a couple weeks ago. Like I felt the earth move under my feet, I screamed and my skin crawls even when I think about it. I met Jelica Summerfield. Late at night around the campfire after most had gone to bed, Jelica and I somehow figured out that we had actually lived in the same house when I was 17 and she was 5. What makes this even more ind blowing is the validation of the abuse she endured from her parents, specifically her mother. I had worried I may have been too open but after reaching out to her, she told me it was merely validating her stance to her parents and most likely incredibly healing.

I love my steadfast family life. Chris is so fucking helpful sometimes it’s overwhelming. what a guy. I get into screaming matches with the girls occasionally, but maybe that’s part of parenting. I never realized how much I would love settling down. The timing of this is perfect. I am ready to be a mom, to this extent, but it also makes me realize I never actually want to have one of my own. I love these two girls, but I have ralized how much you actually really do give up to have kids.

It makes me realize that the past 10 years where I have spent focused time on cultivating relationships outside of intimate ones and focused on building a better me and surrounding myself with deliberate choices in people. Chris spent that time raising 2 girls. He never got to build the kind of interpersonal relationships I have now. I think occasionally he doesn’t quite understand how much I miss my friend family, or how important those things have become. Or maybe some degree of him doesn’t understand what it means to me because he doesn’t have that. Not to the extent that I do, that the people I surround myself with, I have carefully cherry picked over the last 10 years. There is a lot of quality in that.

There’s great quality in having a solid river team in your friend group. We embarked on the South Fork of the Flathead at low water. rode horses and packedour shit 28 miles to our put in. Up and over a mountain range. I couldn’t ask for a better river partner that Alex. Our journey was largely experimental. Me leading, Alex yealling at me asking which way to go, me shrugging my shoulders… I really just don’t know. What an adventure.

I met up with the crew for the rogue. Anni and I road tripped up to the river and then up the Oregon coats and it was marvelous! Being on the river with the team is freaking fantastic. We are a solid group of river running friends and we have our program down, which is so incredible. After doing a few bad trips and seeing that bad side of multi-days, I am grateful to get back on the river with this team. We runt he rivers like a well organized group, we have fantastic communication and spacing on the river and most of the logistics are fairly smooth because everyone knows what to expect.