something that might surprise many. so many of us dream of freedom and the ability to do what ever you want. I am unattached and I am completely free. I have no boss or anyone who dictates how my days turn out. what I end up doing with my day. I have the freedom to travel almost when and where ever I want. I think many people would readily take my spot and choose that freedom. I have enjoyed this freedom tremendously an imagine I would have a hard time going back to a steady job. I have an amazing life and I really think I know how to live well and make the most of it. I am good at it.

I also have no husband, no family, no mortgage. no boyfrined to give me grief. no one I have to plan in. but still. there’s a song that played over the radio a lot while I was in Finland. so it reminds me of home when I listen to it now. she sings about leaving your shitty life, that when you lose everything, freedom is the only thing you’re left with. every time I hear the song I can’t help but to think how I am not at all sure anymore I want to be so utterly free. how I feel completely opposite from the songs words. I am not sure that all that freedom is all that. not at all sure I want to live completely free with out obligations.

there. I said it.

these days I often find myself thinking how amazing my life is here and how lonely I am with out my family. how at times I almost feel silly that I am here. with out my sisters. with out my mom. I see how everyday at home, I loved my obligations. I loved being part of their routine. their absolutely-crazy-ass-routine. I find myself wishing that there was a way that I could combine all this with my family. I always end up in the same helpless dead end. here’s a problem I cannot resolve.

do other people miss their families this much? how many of those that once left return home? thank god the planes fly.

with the same breath, in the same split second that I feel loss. I am also filled with wonder. this amazing place. these amazing people.

I went on a little tour today. the avalanche conditions are highly reactive to human presence. north summit snowfield ripped to the ground. holy hell. I skinned up a familiar route past history rock, avoiding the slide paths. when I skied, the snow whomping under my skis. low angle pow. these conditions make a tad disgruntled. have been working a lot more lately.