the sound of sea gulls brings me home. reminds me of my childhood. I know most regard them with the same affection I have for magpies; obnoxious trash birds that should be shot and ran over every chance one gets. though I’ve caught their shit a time or two, still, after growing up in summer houses around Finland, they remind me of childhood. I love their squawking calls.

I clean up and put on a bra. I have finland clothes. this hotel has got my soul and has got me beat. I am a prisoner of sorts. perhaps a voluntary one but I am ready to give her hell. I am different here.

sometimes I think the hardest part in my relationships has been that most people have expected me to be constant, to stay the same every day. I believe every human has many different sides of who we are within us, they should be celebrated. but in some ways I think we are taught to be ashamed of them. I love being a chameleon and strongly influenced by my surroundings, therefore, I might be the same with one person, but different with another. am I rare in the sense that I want to cultivate all these sides of me?

am I different because I’ve never really found a way to do so in a relationship? to be free enough and allowed to do so by my partners. the downfall has been a combination of me not truly understanding myself, remembering to keep my doors open, coupled with my partners unrealistic expectation that I will, every day, remain the same person they got to know in a year or two. and in essence, always dating the wrong people. eventually I have ended up feeling suffocated and needed to burst out of the character I have been playing for whom ever I was with at the time. though I’ve never lied about who I am or never pretended to be someone I am not, when I’ve needed a change it has been met with resentment and fear.

it’s incredibly hard to find a balance in a relationship where you can hold on to these aspects of your identity, which I believe is a direct product of how society views partnerships. and in turn the expectation placed on us by our partners as whom we are supposed to be to them. just like having a need to spend time with friends from all aspects if life, I want to share my intimate life with a myriad of characters as well. why should this be limited only to my friendships?

I understand a lot of people want constant and fear change. but I never have, I have always been extremely bored whenever I reach status quo and rather than seeking to maintain it, I seek to destroy it.

change, by it’s organic nature arrives naturally and as I’ve finally understood; –in my life– inevitably. (more significantly at about two year intervals.)

so.

stay vibrant.

thrive.