perhaps.

much like relationships, life happens when you stop trying to make it happen. when you stop looking for it.

I am surrendering to the tide. I will be washed away with it as it comes and I intend to be ready. where ever it ill take me, I will allow it.

hanging out with a bunch of twenty year olds with 13 year old kids is refreshing and interesting all the same. oh, the perspective! It reminds me how easy life used to be. when did I make it so complicated? at what age do we stop being so spontaneous? when does it stop being simple and just so easy? I didn’t realize it had become sticky until I watched myself hang out with them and see how easy everything is. like, why not? why not go by the seat of your pants? yeah, exactly. why not?

through the pits of my wallowing rises a desire to live. I find the burning anxiety again to be in the hills. I find thrill at the though of travel. at the thought of a strangers river trip. I am alive and this world is mine, now through a different set of eyes with a long past. I can live my life however my heart desires.

I try to remove myself from the relationship. I want to be in it with my thought and mind, but I don’t want it to be a passive rut. I want to choose to be in it, I want to choose to spend time with James. I want to choose to have dreams. I want to choose things. I am separating myself from being a part of someone else. I am not good at being a part of someone else. I want this someone else to be a part f my life, but not of me.

I am excited to proceed.