when Kenny came to visit here for a few days over last weekend, I was somewhat brought back to thinking and remembering how I had felt when I left Portland and how much I know that I was running then. million miles an hour. I was chased and I know that everything in my life at that time was based on that simple fact alone.

back then, no one stood a chance. I would not even slow down to give myself a chance. I was horrified to stop moving and that fear lasted for a long time. while I will always be bitter for Jason’s relentless hate though the beak up and prior, I also have begun to really understand how many things in my life are a result of those things. I think ultimately I was always going to have a good life and I am just one of those people who always has options and get’s a lot out of life, but I really think that majority of the decisions I have made to get me to where I am now, were shaped by the need to run. the need to forget and change everything. put as much space and distance between me and those memories.

when I think back on our relationship now, while he was quite the charmer and we had a lot of fun, the strongest memories I have from that time, are those of frustration and trying, trying to somehow get past his anger. the ending of that relationship was damaging and horrifying enough that those are the only memories I ever really recall. the person whom I spent time with laughing, exploring and loving life with, was someone entirely different, in some faint distant memory, more like a dream I once had.