I am a little startled by how much I miss him. I knew I would, but I didn’t quite realize how much exactly. the tragedy of it all. I knew he was good. so good.

he kept telling me he can’t do this and that I can’t get too attached. but he kept calling. he kept driving to ennis. he kept seeing me. agonizing me with his own confusion. and when I left, he actually cried. I was a bit startled to say the least. it takes two, you know.

so when he is gone, I see it now. I love him. holy shit, I do. and there’s nothing I can do about it.

in fact, I am a little depressed. if the snow was good, I probably wouldn’t be. this is the worst season I have ever seen. that’s making me depressed. having to go back to finland in 2 weeks is making me depressed. I’ve lived in this house for 2 years and it’s time to go. to move into my 20 ft trailer from 1981. wilderness.

I think I need to go to cooke city or something.