since I am rolling around town solo and seemingly single, I get boys tagging along all the time. I know that I like the attention and to my fault I am a bit of a flirt. while I am out going, smily and chatty, I realize it’s a hop and a skip away from being just flat out flirtatious. I get offers for sex all the time. there’s an instinctive urge to act upon those desires without giving much thought to what I would be ruining if I did sleep with someone.

the truth is, and I’ve had a decent opportunity to reflect on this over the past week because of what happened thursday night, being seriously chased by a cute boy. if James was in town, I would have no desire to even think of sleeping with someone else. it’s the fact that he’s gone, and will be gone for a long time, that I have these questions and thoughts. it’s actually almost out of spite that he’s gone, that I play with the idea.

giving a hard look at what it is I would be giving up, or trading in, for a quick lay in the end doesn’t seem to be worth it. so I decided on sunday that without a doubt, I should have enough strength, loyalty and respect for myself and James to behave over the next two months while he’s gone. if I can’t, I would be seriously disappointed with myself. it’s more a matter of just deciding, rather than reacting. I realize that it’s pathetic to think that I just “can’t help myself” because he’s gone. and it’s a sad notion that I even have to tell myself that.. but there it is.

I was talking to James the other night and something made me confess that there’s not a single person in my past that I would still like to date. I don’t have any that “got away.” well, except for one, but I think that’s only because he never wanted to date me (maybe if I hadn’t lived 550 miles away at the time) and ultimately I’ve always known he would treat me poorly. but what does it say about me that I am the person who has pretty much broken it off with every single person in my life and without any desire to look back. even though Jason essentially was the cause of our break up, I’m still the one that left him, not the other way around.

admitting to that fact, or just saying it out loud, kinda jolted me into wondering if I was asking too much from everyone I ever dated. I leave every relationship with a notion that this person is not good enough, like I was settling. do I actually need a reality check on this. will anyone ever really fit the bill and be perfect straight out of the box? have I always dated people who were below the mark for me, or am I asking too much?