so what am I now? I spent saturday night drowning myself in the bottle, saying good bye to Katrina and Dave, meeting all their friends and parents. sunday morning I got up, still drunk, fell out of my bed, threw up and dragged my reluctant ass to their apartment to join the rest of the hung over group of friends and family. we cleaned, divided things, took stuff to goodwill, finished up. brought things to a close. I had been avoiding her apartment, all the while, wanting to just stop by and cry in her backyard.

it was heart breaking to clean up after their lives, knowing we needed it. needed closure. I needed every bit of it to move and say good bye. to accept it that they’re gone. however, it put my mind on her again and I couldn’t shake her out of my head, or the ill feeling of it all. the loss, the tragedy, the ugliness and sadness. so I took a drive. soaked at Norris. thought about the world, my life and everything in it. with everyone leaving for the summer season, and me being in a holding pattern, watching it rain. I can’t seem to get a hold on life. can’t get a new lease on life and I can’t figure out why. I feel alone.

life goes on.

I think part of my anxiety comes from not having a real home, or spot to call my own, and having such a hard time finding anything decent in Bozeman. I’ve pretty much resolved that I have to buy a house and there’s no other option for me anymore. I’m tired of being a transient, I’m tired of always moving. I’m tired of not having my own garden and my own shit. I’m moving to Ennis, I think. I do love Bozeman, but still with most of my friends being gone for the summer season, or most of them living outside of Bozeman anyway, why do I stay in this town? after being in montana a few years, it starts to wear on me the folks who move into this town. the bright-eyed-bushy-tailness of it all. the attitude you can literally see rolling into town. Bozeman is not truly montana… is it?