skiing is what defines me. since I left my heart behind and walked away broken, I have turned to skiing and climbing for solace and refuge. last day of lift access in Montana was yesterday. I woke up this morning, stressed out about what I would do with my life now. what would keep me excited and make me feel like I was thrilled to be alive?

It’s silly. that’s how much skiing means to me and that’s how scared I still am of being still. worried that I might look around me and notice the fact that I am alone.

life is amazing though. I have been spending time with someone lately who has reminded me of how grateful I am of the priviledged life I get to live.

I have no obligations to no one. no family, no kids, a selection of friends… whilst life is hard and empty because of these facts, it is also amazingly free and blissful. I love being able to choose. I have a choice. I always have a choice… is that choice worth it when in return you are essentially alone? will I ever come to a point where I would be willing to make the sacrifice of building my own family? is that even possible the older I get and the longer I get to live so free? it’s a clear path I’ve started down.. and I really am not sure if there’s such thing as being able to give it all up since I’ve gotten on that train.