I just want to say. more as a personal note to myself. don’t forget how good it felt coming back to montana after a month in oregon. while I had a great time and I have a lot of people I love over there, I watched myself relax the closer I got to montana. finally when I made it over the passes and laid my eyes on the big wide open sky and the bridger range I knew I was where I wanted to be. it gave me big grins and I think I may have even giggled out loud that this is my home. I get to stay here.

and unlike in the fall when I was making my way back here a few times and had no friends to count for (besides McFrye), this time around I had a lot more to come back to. a lot more. I think I love my life more on this side of the mountains. it’s quiet, simple, easy, relaxing and I like the blue eyes in my life.

here’s a thing I’ve noticed tho. when you let someone so close, all those things I’ve guarded myself for are now out in the open. I feel like I can’t keep things from him if I continue to let him be in my life and I have to be okay with the fact that I become transparent. and this wall that I have put for the past couple years is now.. well, he can get to the other side of it and I hope he will like me just for who I am. I think that’s what I am still inherently scared of. as if one day he’ll figure out I am just a sham. or he’d decide I am not what he thought I might be. this is not to say that I’ve really pretended to be anything that I am not and I think generally I am very honest and open about who I am, but somehow, I am still afraid that someone will look at me and choose to look past the cool stuff that makes me me, cause in the end I am just me. nothing more, nothing less. and in the end I hope that ‘me’ is plenty for someone to want to keep.

this is why, long time ago, I resolved to trust no one but myself. since me and I are great together.. (chuckle) and I don’t want to put myself in front of someone to be judged through their eyes. the last time I loved someone, I trusted him and took his judgment to heart… and, well, we all know what happened there. no one deserves to be judged so strictly by another. we all have different pasts, goals, thoughts, dreams and more than anything a different frame of reference. no one in this world has the right to harshly judge another to such degree, when we don’t have the slightest idea of what hurts us, what motivates us or breaks us down… how dare he.

so when do you begin to believe again that someone could actually be loyal to you and that you can trust them not to break your heart? now, I understand that heartbreak is a part of life. people fall in and out of love all the time, but what I mean by heartbreak is when someone deliberately hurts you and does things to you that are dishonest, lack integrity and break your heart in way of cruelty, not just by falling out of love. I hope that someday down the road I can trust someone again. blindly. yes, I said it, of all my dreams of family, children and partnerships the one thing I seek the most is the ability to love someone openly, honestly, without reserve now, and know, in my heart, the I can trust them not to disappear without explanation, or worse, with hatred, and place my trust on their loyalty without a doubt. is that too much to ask? does that exist at all today? how can you ever build a happy family if you know the love or partnership is temporary. they always are. I think that’s the reason I’ve never landed with kids yet and I always figured I would end up a single mom. which is a future that seems inevitable, but at least for the first few years of the child, could there be a dad too? if I ever doubt my own integrity ever, one thing I know about myself, is that to those who deserve it and those who I love I will always be extremely loyal to and I will be there.

but despite all that, I just wanted to say that I am happy. I am glad to have done what I did with my trip. I am glad I got to see the two sides and got to return to montana all over again. and all the things I’ve struggled with when I moved here are all slowly washing away.

in short, I am happy. quietly happy. that’s all.