it’s funny how life moves in cycles. people leave your life, others come. some stay for good. in the mean time, while I was horribly anxious for having James return, I suddenly find myself perfectly content and happy with him. for a few I was almost resentful to the fact that he was coming back to interfere with my life.

there is still a certain amount of sacrifice and compromise I know I am not willing to give. and I feel bad about the way it is reflected upon James, but at the same time, I am sorry, but I have to keep what I fought so hard to get. I have to keep me. I have to be allowed to be me, to keep me, to do things when I want and how I want. it’s selfish, I know. and I absolutely refuse, without a doubt, even for a split second, to ever again made to feel utterly rotten over what I choose. this is MY life! I am done with letting others blame me, letting someone make me feel guilty about who I am, or what I choose. I despise being made to feel bad through someone else’s eyes. I resent it to the core. I know that this obviously does not lend itself to a balanced relationship. and by all means, I don’t want the upper hand in a relationship either. not at all.

but I realize that in order for me to even let myself enjoy a relationship and allow to be loved by him, I also have to continue to do my selfish thing. to take the time to love myself and to love my life, without it, I am not one to be loved. I can only hope that James and I have the strength to work this out between us, so that we can find the happy medium to comfortably live in so that we are both happy.

as silly as it sounds, I still need to ‘take things slow’ ..yes, I still find myself resenting the idea of a relationship. on some days. other days I couldn’t be happier that he loves me and chooses to be by my side. it’s an amazing feeling to be loved by someone the way he loves me. I need to learn a new set of rules for a relationship. we both need to learn these simply to maintain a happy relationship. I do not want to do this at the expense of his happiness, but hope that we may find common ground, the kind that still allows me to feel free. and allows him to feel free.