not exactly sure if I believe my own feelings. I have the ability to be completely blinded and not see clearly through it and that’s why I am very skeptical that the following declaration is really true and that I might just be fooling myself and this too shall pass. only time will tell. so in the mean time, all I can do is to sit still, let it happen and let this play it’s course.

I waited a long time to let anyone in or get involved with anyone after my last break up. I knew I needed it, and equally, unconsciously myself did not allow me to be attracted to someone until I was truly ready. and when I was, I ran into James. and when I did, all of this has felt easy. like I haven’t tried at all to date someone, like no effort was made at all. it just happened. naturally.

while I am not counting out my assets, I would have to admit that our connection was electric from day one, but I have tried to play this off as a passing thing, not taking him or this relationship seriously at all. now I find that it may have evolved into something else. the 16th of this month makes it our three months (and might I add how ridiculous I feel about the fact that I have even made note of the fact that it’s been exactly three months since we met or that I even know the date when we met), but the other day I got to thinking and I realized how much it feels like I have known him for a very long time. like I’ve said before, felt that way after a mere first week of knowing each other.

I have been thinking about all this and granted I am of the firm belief that you barely even begin to know someone after five years, I can’t help but to feel like I see him for who he is and I feel like I can see through him. much like I am an open book for him. and a lot of the time, he seems to know where I am and knows the words I needed to hear.

I feel ridiculous for saying this, but I feel like I see myself with him. I have heard of these people being with someone for years, never marrying to them and then meeting someone for three months and getting hitched. not that I would do anything as absurd, but I feel like for the first time, I actually kinda get it.

I haven’t been with someone that made me feel safe, like I could trust him. blindly. like I know him deep down enough that I know what he is capable of doing as a person and therefore I am not afraid. this allows me to enjoy the relationship, feel free to be me, love him and let him love me. I feel like he likes me just how I am, because of who I am. and for the first time in my life, I feel like I am in a balanced, healthy relationship that won’t leave me broken or stranded. and it’s not a roller coaster ride, like some have been.

it’s like a breath of fresh air. something so different and unusual. I want him to be my man. yes, I said it… *gasp* (and no-one chastise me for saying this or hold me to it, so please allow me to leave this relationship too if that’s what it comes to).