the further away I am from Andrew, and everything that transpired between us, I see how much he hid the reality of his situation and hoped that I was simply too stupid to put it together.

I needed a distraction. I think the last time I gave it a good cry was sitting on my bed on the river bank of the salmon, next to the water on a sandy beach. I think I gave a it a good solid last cry. I am letting him go. I don’t think I have love for him anymore. I feel like I am released from the bind of loving him and being repeatedly disappointed in him. I will come to moments of missing him and being sad about who he was, what he was to me, how I let him treat me and how long I kept trying to make it work.

But I don’t really regret trying. like I said back then, I have the rest of my life to be right. I couldn’t just let go the person who was truly my soul mate in so many ways. In my previous life, I think I licked his bones clean. We were built in pairs and he is mine. He is my Hancock. He is my kryptonite.

I can love again and maybe someone can check most of the boxes. and over time, I will be happy and content, even if I didn’t get him, maybe I will have someone close to him.

with Chris coming into the picture, or rather, me finally letting him chase me, I see how fucked up my relationship with Andrew was and how much he kicked me to the curb. He treated me amazing from time to time, basically when we were alone, but there was so much shitty. way more shitty than good. Chris adores me and has been in love with me for years. It finally occurred to me a couple weeks ago what the hell am I fiting against? why do I keep shoving a cute, hot, has his shit together guy to the curd. Because he has made his intentions clear for a long time?

I finally gave in and realized this is exactly what I want. the more time I spend with him, I also find myself liking him more and more. he is a very nice guy and he would give me the world if I only let him.