I leave in a week. the story of my life.

“Pisces is denoted by two fish swimming in opposite directions—one toward security, the other to freedom. the fish is equal parts commitment-phobe and serial monogamist.” and that, there, my friends, sums up my life-long demise.

and this journal has become a detailed account of my love affairs, failures and promiscuity.

I am completely in love with him. I don’t know what he is with me. about a week ago I kinda touched on the subject of what happens when I leave. he referred to himself as my boyfriend and that I was only going for a couple months. but I still have no clear idea what his intentions are. here’s a man who’s been perpetually single most of his life, so I harbor no illusions of the likelihood that this wouldn’t fade away as I do. he’s an odd mix of loyalty and kindness, coupled with good looks and cockiness, which inevitably leads to a life of a man-whore.

he has been with a lot of girls. but as I should admit out loud.. I have been with a lot of dudes. I lost my own count around a hundred. in my twenties. I know my current number must reach staggering heights by now, something I have lost sight of years ago and now seems like an insignificant detail. when you enjoy a life filled with self-indulgences and you bounce from one relationship to another, sex obviously becomes one of them. there’s no shame in this. when I met him, he was the third guy I fucked that week, and it was only wednesday…

and equally, while I pondered last night what his longest relationship may have been, I reflected upon the fact that my longest one spanned a mere 3.5 yrs.

if anything Cory and I are a lot of like in more ways than I would have imagined. as Eric Shores pointed out, while he might be a tad insane and it takes a special person to put up with it. he knows me well enough to say that it might actually make a lot of sense.

Cory took me over to his parents house for dinner last night. he has a great family. surprisingly great.

I am completely in love with him. but what ever happens, happens. at this point in my life, I can only marvel at the beauty of feeling this way towards someone. having the capacity in my heart to have this moment.

I regret nothing. I take no prisoners.

it’s hammering rain outside. I am at Cory’s living room eating the breakfast he made me before he headed out to work for the day. spent all day yesterday building my sauna with Mark. really need to work on it again today, if it ever stops raining. it was good to hang out with Mark, I told him about Cory. I am glad we can be friends. and I am glad I have moved on.

just like that.

life works in wondrous ways.