as it turns out, when it was Sunday night, and I still had hours of editing to do and the day light hours had weaned, I found myself resenting the obligation of work. I really detested it. even though this my freelance work. still.

I began to wonder what an awful individual I had become. I remember the days when I was known as a hard worker. and I still am. if I want. it’s not the work itself, it’s not being able to say when. also the thought that I might have to give up my weekend to do so. whaaaat? what is that about? a concept I suddenly found so foreign it made me realize how little I really work now under pressure. even though I work ll the time. and have dead lines all the time. I realized how massively I have become my own lord when it comes to my hours and making a choice on how and when to spend them. is there a discipline that I am missing that should be there, just for the sake of discipline. should I not be so unruly?

is the fact that I indulge in food, drink and entertainment how ever I please, as often as a I please a bad thing? should I not have so much joy in life? I have no control over disciplining myself, staying under some kind of lament for the things I do and how much I enjoy my life. it’s the fact that I don’t try very hard that is the problem. I don’t try much at all. a couple years ago I was set on this path of ‘fuck everything else, I am going to do everything that makes ME happy.’ why should I not enjoy my life how I please when it’s not hurting anyone else?

so then, is it healthy to live your life to however you want? or should I fast for 10 days before I allow myself another glass .. wait, make that a bottle of wine? should I work more hours in a week to justify my 3-4 days of skiing a week? why?

there are a lot of folks who don’t seem to give my constitution much respect. montana, is by all means vastly more understanding, but for a person who actually has many jobs, it seems to be considered down right outrageous that I can, and I do, dictate my own life and my hours. most of the world seems to always live under the fear of the big brother or a boss who will put their thumb down and MAKE you gt to work at 7:30 am. so why do people listen? why does everyone follow this expectation?

moving out to montana only made matters worse. I remember when I was a teen in Finland, I used to punish myself by not eating for a day or an afternoon. just when I felt like I should practice discipline over my body and thoughts I would and I could. not eating was not based on diet, weight or any factor on appearance, it was merely a direct link for me to exercise power and control over my mind and body. I think this used to make me more powerful in a way. and I also think, had I not done this at some point in my life, I probably would not be the same person I am today. I think I learned a lot about what I am capable of, in every aspect of life. during this time I learned to understand the tremendous power that mind has over our bodies. and what amazing strength you can have over your mind.

these early lessons in teenage years yielded a road, a path, a way, that has guided me throughout my life. in many situations in my life, I have turned to this tool. when I needed to work my ass off to get through college, when I climbed mountains, when I decided to come live in the united states, or montana for that matter. many things in my life that I have only accomplished through perseverance and discipline.

while I think I take my ability to discipline myself (or the ability that I used to have) for granted compared to a lot of other folks I often wonder if I should exercise a practice, a religion, or other rules and regulations over my being? do I need more discipline in my life, do I need more rules? do I need a church? do I need a god?

I think that there are a lot of people who need rules just to keep it together in life. but I’m not so sure I do. I have a code of sorts that I live by. but my principles are different. I don;t need a schedule. I don’t need time management tools. I have my own system. I want it to be my own system, not yet another tool that’s being shoved down my throat. I am mature enough to know what I need to do and when I need to do it. I constantly hear about planning, scheduling and living a disciplined life. why? why do I need to? just because some of you struggle with yours?

who says I need a 9-5 job? who says I must work 40 hours a week and if I don’t, there’s clearly more hours to exploit. there’s always this lingering notion in america that you should not self indulge. you should not enjoy your life to the fullest. how dare you!

montana has taught me that there is a different way of life. something I knew could exist. something I was already living, but I needed to find a place where it was ok to live, work and play in the perfect triangle.