I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about healing. and how to accept the things you cannot change.

it’s not until I am here that I see this. I am an incredibly happy person. I am a at a good place in my life. I have an amazing support group around me and I feel very loved each day.

when you live through what I have, it changes a person. in ways you didn’t want to be changed. but it taught me humility and it taught me the amazing amount of strength within me. I have accepted the things I cannot change. I don’t carry anger. I carry scars. I don’t carry resentment. I harbor happiness. I see it in the people around me, my positivity that draws them in.

there comes a time when you simply shift the energy from being miserable every day into choosing good moments. when you choose to have a better day. you become accustomed to surviving, day by day, by finding small moments that make you happy. just to be able to breathe.

when I went for my free fall in around the winter of 2009, I did the only thing I knew to keep me alive. I got in my truck and I kept moving. like I was on fire, because I was terrified that if I stopped, I’d burst into flames. for a time, life became about getting by in small moments. I climbed peaks, one after another and I was too afraid to stop moving. nothing was chasing me except my own pain and I was running desperately away from it until I could face it. I didn’t stop until I found a home in montana, where I finally felt I was far enough. safe. and I could exhale.

we all have our own cliff. and we all have the potential to face a life situation that might push us over it. thankfully, my free fall was a relatively private experience. I still phoned home. but living through it made me realize that we are all actually some level of crazy. or that it’s more of a gradient actually. the only thing that sets us apart is how well we manage to maintain and handle situations that might push us over that edge. and many of us are lucky to make better choices in life to make sure we never have to peer over that cliff. as much as many people regard me as level headed at times and crazy at other times. I have always been relatively aware of exactly how crazy I am being at each given time.

when you allow your mind to think negative thoughts it allows those thoughts and outcomes to dictate your life. when you allow your mind to accept positivity and regard your situation and future with optimism, your existence draws a more positive outcome. you know the old “look away from the danger!” approach, right? I have always believed that if you think positive and believe positive, positive arrives. and I have experienced this first hand many times in my life. you get exactly what you put out.

I am 35 now. in a week I turn 36. I am not having a midlife crisis. I already had it. when your hopes and dreams and everything the society has told you that you wanted about your life has been wrecked. and pretty much abolished, you have to find another way to survive. for some time I seriously struggled with having seemingly failed at everything I thought life was supposed to be about. like I was some social reject, ’cause I got it wrong. because I made mistakes. the kind that change your life for good. after about a year of crying myself to sleep, and finally accepting what I cannot change. I came around the bend to a completely different reality. a completely different perspective.

I came around to find something that I now believe is even better, because I seriously had to rethink what makes me happy.

and really, those mistakes I think I made, now don’t really look like mistakes at all.

pause.

seriously. leaps and bounds.

to have become someone who takes tremendous joy in simple things. who gets moved every day by the sheer beauty of life. by gratitude. who is heart tugged by the caring people around me. incredibly touched to be loved so much. by so many. who’s life is filled with wonder and abundance. to become someone who has a best friend in herself. with a clear vision of how I want to live out my life. how I want to be treated. and with whom I want to share my life with. and in which valley I want to do that in. I take the time to care about people. I take the time to appreciate the moments I have with them. equally, I take the time to appreciate myself. life seems so easy now. I have found a love.

it takes time. it takes a lot of bleeding.

I may only have three more weeks with Mark. I should admit this out loud because I know it’s true. there’s a good chance, I may never see him again. I am incredibly sad about that, but I know that for the first time, I met someone who is really good. in every way. he’s someone I always wanted. as much as I would like to, I know I don’t get to keep him. but it warms my heart to have gotten to know him. to have allowed someone in. I am amazed that I can do this.

on that same token, it’s really hard to expose yourself to the judgement of someone you’ve just met. all this time being safe, this is the first time that I care about what they think of me and I am allowing someone here. I am coming over hurdles. leaps and bounds. and after each day I am incredibly surprised that he comes back around. that he calls and that he texts. he drives to Ennis, even. and frankly I don’t know why the fuck he does.

speaking of crazy, if you think about it, falling in love is kind of a crazy thing to do. it’s like a socially accepted form of insanity. but it doesn’t have to be that crazy. now I love quietly. kinda. I must admit that I am incredibly numb. I’m working on it. but, shhh, I’ll never tell. and I realize for the first time in my life, I love him for liking me. it sounds stupid, but what he has given me, in ways he has no idea, is priceless. he’s given me hope. it’s not about just him, it’s about believing. that after all, that maybe once even for a fleeting moment I had someone really good. a good person. with a good heart and gentleman like manners. someone that made my heart feel good and at peace. and that not every person I ever loved was a douche bag. that maybe at least once, I chose right.

I really want to keep him. but I am letting him go. with no regrets. with a heart full of love, gratitude and appreciation.

you know you only get one…, but if you do it right, once is enough.

#soar