I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat and I think I may have been quietly whining. I had a nightmare. a very vivid nightmare. in my dream I had driven to island park to see James on his one day off. it was evening and he left me at someone’s house without much word as to where he was going and not replying to my inquiries as to where he’d gone. though he was running around wheeling and dealing weed. when he finally reappeared at 1:30 am and I whined about him ditching me, he scoffed at me and made a snide comment “people leave all the time, suck it up.” he had a look of disgust in his eyes, very much the same look Jason used to give when I asked something of him. yes, that very same one that makes the ground fall away from underneath you and crushes you right there in front of him.

in my dream I knew I had to leave him, right there and then, so I got up, went over to James’ house and started packing my things. he appeared with his friends in tow, to hang out with them at his house, with no regard to the fact that I was upset and crying over his cruelty and insensitivity. or the fact that I was actually going to walk away that instant. that’s when I woke up.

i think it’s crazy that I had this dream. and of all my fears past that I seem to have buried a while ago reared their ugly head and this morning I was dully reminded of the abuse I used to deal with. I don’t thin even for a second that James would ever treat me that way. I know everyone is capable of being mean, but Jason seemed to take being evil as a life approach.

I have blissfully forgotten and erased from my memory how much I used to hurt and how much someone can really break you. I believe that James really knows how to treat people right and is he’s ever mean to me, he would know what he was doing. I don’t know why my mind decided to create this story. James is the first one since Jason who’s been in a position where I am completely vulnerable to him. I haven’t been able to have faith in a long time that there could be someone whom I loved would be there for me when I really needed him to be. that when I needed someone to lean on, that he might actually be there for me. it’s interesting to see that from my devastation of my past relationship, I fall for the exact opposite, someone who I feel like I already know deep down would be there. with out a doubt.