how do you tell the man you love, that you love him? this has been established already. I love yous are a part of an everyday slogan. often several times a day. but something changed and I see him differently now.

as of late, I find myself thinking about James. or when I am not with him, but he comes up in conversation, I find myself feeling all warm in my innerds, cause he’s my guy. thinking of him, often makes me happy and makes me smile. I am a big fan of James. sometimes when we lay together in the morning or before he goes to work, I feel elated to feel his warmth and I am stoked that he chooses to be my guy. still. I find myself lost in thought thinking how great I think he is and how lucky I feel to have this kind of a relationship with someone. I have always felt like what James and I have was somehow different from anything I’ve ever had with anyone. though I have been very much in love in the past, I have never felt quite so .. understood..? like my raging ocean of emotion that turns to calm yet churning waters with him. it’s hard to explain. even though we are the same sign, James challenges me in ways that I really think I need to be challenged.

the longer I get to know James, the more I love him. I didn’t know you could love someone the way I love him now. I’ve never made it this far with someone, or this way, to actually have a really good and wholesome relationship with someone where love can be cultivated. lately I have found myself wondering if a lifetime with him was enough time. haha!

because of all this sometimes I get scared. I find myself worrying that I might be alone in this relationship with this love of mine. this is the time in the relationship when the other knows your faults and shortcomings. this is when you got a bit tubby and don’t look as hot you did when you first met. and this is when it can be awesome and wonderful, but it’s also around the time when things turned to hate and resentment the last time. I know James is a world away from ex, and his steady, consistent love for me seems to never really falter too far. but still, my love somehow has now turned the corner to where I might break if I came to find out, if instead of growing that he’s love might be dying. it can happen and you can’t necessarily help these things. and this is what I am afraid of. ridiculously so, I might add. I find myself a little scared of being hurt again now that I find myself here.

not that this is a true worry, or an actionable concern, (–Kenny.) it’s more like just a clear view of the fact, that I find myself in this exceptionally vulnerable place again with someone. even though I had thought that I was over it, or had forgotten what it felt like to hurt, I found that feeling this way about someone also reminds me of big hurt by someone. at your most vulnerable state.

well …last time I obviously I trusted my emotional well-being in the hands of the wrong person. someone clearly not qualified for the job. how stupid of me.