how far can a person get from intimate love that the thought of being touched, loved or kissed by someone who desired them with all their being, is so forgotten that I cannot even remember what it felt like? the kinda love where I gave myself to it and completely let go of all me fears and gave myself to be loved? it seems like in some distant dream, that I don’t think will ever come true again, I could possible love someone. so completely and have that very same person love me in return, and want me. and kiss me. and that I couldn’t wait to do it again. and couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I don’t know if it’s a problem with me, of letting someone in my life. I think it might be a combination of both; of allowing someone in and allowing myself to love them and at the same time, actually meeting someone that made my heart skip a beat. someone that for some radical reason made me give up all my fears and gave me the opportunity to stop protecting myself. gave me the opportunity to trust someone. should I keep waiting that this miracle might just one day walk in front of me? would I know it if it did?

in this process i am horrified that in the end I can only shell out love for my friends and my family. I want to be able to love someone who walks into my life. but to my horror, I have discovered myself incapable of loving freely (or at all) like I used to. I’ve gotten really good at loving people as friends and loving them for who they are, but the thought of anyone ever getting any closer than that, always makes me run for the hills. I am horrified of intimacy. I have seemed to convince myself that I cannot ever be intimate with someone, nor can I possibly open my heart to someone to let them love me, or let myself be vulnerable.

these changes are permanent, but I pray with all my heart that someone could accept me for who and what I am and love me so passionately as I wish to love them. someday. maybe? please?