I get back to summer. shit’s all green. the rivers are pumping. got to ennis late, made the drive in one shot. the next morning drove around the range for a lack of a gate code. it was good to come back to the boat yard, it’s kinda like we never left. first thing we did that morning was swim across the gallatin river and swim back. then swam some rapids and lapped house rock. even a lousy day on the river is still an amazing day on the river. the next day Amy and I were handed the task of R2ing the whole stretch of the river. somehow with so many rookies on board, we are treated as returning guides. I feel like such a beginner, Ive never ran this high of water, let alone R2’d house rock at 4200 cfs with a 90 pound girl as my teammate.

god I love being back in Ennis. after three days of swimming in the gallatin I took a day off to kayak the madison river through the channels and giving my first go at learning how to cast. this town is amazing, this valley is amazing. so much fun surfing through the narrow channels down to Channels Ranch. met some friends on shore, sunshine cocktails and a ride back to the ranch in the back of a pick up truck with kids and dogs and everyone else. bare feet in the grass. being free.

It’s kinda cool to come back and seeing people wear my tshirts! and Joe wants more work

for change, I am not anxious to go anywhere. I want to stay here. I want to spend my summer in Ennis and in these near by valleys and ranges. I want to lap the local rivers and I want to spend time with my friends. I love this community and I love being a part of it.

and as soon as I get done saying that, I am packing my boat into my truck, heading for the ystone at 24 000 cfs and then onto the beartooths for some spring skiing. might be back in a week. or two days, who knows.

I’m saying it again. tomorrow I leave. I am excited to go. this time around I am not at all sad to leave. I am anxious to get back to the land of the free, the home of the brave. excited to have my moose in my truck, excited to be free to roam. I am insanely homesick for montana, for freedom of the hills and the open road, really. it’s incredibly easy to leave when I know the summer that’s a head and the life of a vagabond. and I also know I will be back here so shortly. I am sick and tired of all these rules. I want to break them all just out of spite. I need to leave to breathe.

let’s face it. no matter how I try look at it, life in finland is kinda lame. it has it’s highlights. but rad is not a lifestyle here. it’s a rare occasion and I try to always make the best of it and enjoy those moments. but in montana, awesome is everyday. not to put down finland too much, but finland simply lacks the terrain to be awesome.

I did a through hike the other day. something like 12 miler took me 4 hours. the trail was rocky and hard to get moving on and I generally seem to hike faster in the US even though I might be climbing up. the thought that occurred to me the most about that hike was that it was kinda pointless. I mean it’s cool if you wanna take a 12 mile walk in a thick forest, yea, but it’s like the seriously long part of the hike before you emerge to an alpine lake or get a view of the peaks. but this one, you never really merge out of the forest until the trail end at a town. just swamps and forest, few little lakes. forest, forest, forest. thick damn forest too. nothing to see here but miles and miles of, well, trees.

my life is way cooler than your vacation.

The best thing a therapist ever told me is that sometimes confrontation and resolution with an abuser is not the best solution. Sometimes there’s no pride in honesty. Sometimes it’s just messy.

I closed the door, found away to move on and come to terms with who my father was/is. I am free! Despite facing endless pressure from my family to reconcile with him I held my ground. Until few years ago they finally gave up when I showed no signs of doing so and I was finally able to share with my sister the reasons for my absence. They had not experienced what I had, and couldn’t understand why I ended my relationship to my father. The best thing for me to do at the time, was NOT to open up about the abuse to my sister and brother when we were younger (until couple years ago). I had understood –distinctively– that coming out to them and the rest of my extended family was going to hurt me more, bring shame, rather than bring any closure.especially as by the time I was dealing with this, I was already living in the US and had the option to end the relationship.

I didn’t need or want revenge, I simply wanted to be excused from the anxiety of the events of my childhood.

Since then, 20 years later, my family has shown respect for me in letting me choose for myself and stopped pressuring me for reconciliation, finally understanding that a relationship with him would cause more anxiety, stress and harm, than considering him dead to me. It’s OK to let go of people who hurt you. This applies to parents as much as abusive friends or spouses. We don’t need to try to get along with everyone. Life is too short for that and today, as adults, we have the luxury of choosing.

I found a way to move on, I found a way to find peace. and that should be more important and since I made this choice, I have never, not once, felt any kind of quilt or doubt over ending my relationship with my father. and since I have this peace, the mere thought of rekindling some kind of a relationship with him sounds incredibly uncomfortable, distasteful and painful. I see absolutely no reason to do so.

what do we owe?

I put on a song that reminds me of home. and I get high. I get high on thinking about driving my truck over the mountains around ennis. living the nomad life style. I get so high on dreams of being there. running a river, clicking into my bindings, rallying on a mountain bike or hiking the distance. I get high on life.

as much as I really love finland and love my family, I can’t escape the fact that my heart belongs in montana. I am home sick. I miss Ennis like crazy.

finland is so beautiful. birds are singing, flowers are out. I set my track for a run and I breathe all this air that always smells the same. even years later, I took a long walk to downtown with Moose and marveled at how alike it could possibly smell. all these years later, 17 years later, spring smells the same. there’s a shit ton of birds chirping everywhere.

the thing that gets me about finland every time is the people. the general public has this general disposition of being shit heads and gloomy all the time. being assholes most of the time. it’s exhausting. this fear of judgement and thus relentless judgement of others. jealousy and envy of others success of happiness. sometimes I wanna scream.

this gets me high on life. reminds me what sets me on fire. makes me fall in love with life all over again. I look forward to being free, with dirt between my toes, sweat on my brow. when the sun is out, it feels weird being in finland. while my friends are getting various surgeries in montana fixing their broken skiing components, I am focusing on work. soon enough, I will fly back home.

the sound of sea gulls brings me home. reminds me of my childhood. I know most regard them with the same affection I have for magpies; obnoxious trash birds that should be shot and ran over every chance one gets. though I’ve caught their shit a time or two, still, after growing up in summer houses around Finland, they remind me of childhood. I love their squawking calls.

I clean up and put on a bra. I have finland clothes. this hotel has got my soul and has got me beat. I am a prisoner of sorts. perhaps a voluntary one but I am ready to give her hell. I am different here.

sometimes I think the hardest part in my relationships has been that most people have expected me to be constant, to stay the same every day. I believe every human has many different sides of who we are within us, they should be celebrated. but in some ways I think we are taught to be ashamed of them. I love being a chameleon and strongly influenced by my surroundings, therefore, I might be the same with one person, but different with another. am I rare in the sense that I want to cultivate all these sides of me?

am I different because I’ve never really found a way to do so in a relationship? to be free enough and allowed to do so by my partners. the downfall has been a combination of me not truly understanding myself, remembering to keep my doors open, coupled with my partners unrealistic expectation that I will, every day, remain the same person they got to know in a year or two. and in essence, always dating the wrong people. eventually I have ended up feeling suffocated and needed to burst out of the character I have been playing for whom ever I was with at the time. though I’ve never lied about who I am or never pretended to be someone I am not, when I’ve needed a change it has been met with resentment and fear.

it’s incredibly hard to find a balance in a relationship where you can hold on to these aspects of your identity, which I believe is a direct product of how society views partnerships. and in turn the expectation placed on us by our partners as whom we are supposed to be to them. just like having a need to spend time with friends from all aspects if life, I want to share my intimate life with a myriad of characters as well. why should this be limited only to my friendships?

I understand a lot of people want constant and fear change. but I never have, I have always been extremely bored whenever I reach status quo and rather than seeking to maintain it, I seek to destroy it.

change, by it’s organic nature arrives naturally and as I’ve finally understood; –in my life– inevitably. (more significantly at about two year intervals.)

so.

stay vibrant.

thrive.

portland. where they still put fresh flowers on the table in coffee shops. the gift shops and chick sports stores are filled with just the cutest darn things. I never notice how many things I have learned to live without in the back roads, dirt roads of montana. here I am over whelmed by the sheer quantity of choice. and the number of people, where you can park, camp and let your dog run around. I haven’t even made it to portland yet. I am lingering on the outskirts.

moose and I slept in the canopy for the first time. wish I had a paco pad, but damn I slept good. didn’t get up until around ten. the sun was up, the river was roaring and I enjoyed living this life again.

I took the long way here. wasn’t in any hurry. took the long way to missoula, through Virginia City and pipestone pass. kissing my good byes all the way out of the amazing state of montana. I may have cried a little when fan mountain and lone peak disappeared from the rearview mirror. spent a night with friends in missoula. wallowed in Wallace, ID, took a side road that led me to some radical abandoned mills, eery as fuck. what a strange place Wallace is. wanted to stop at the Old Mission Church, thought about praying, but blew by. made it to Hood River for dinner at the brewery.

here I am, in Oregon. I so don’t want to be, I am missing montana. I miss the peace and quiet of my home town. the cotton woods, gravel bar and gravel roads. I wanna go fishing.

today I fly over the divide. fly west. fly over the ocean. fly away home.

like migration patterns, we all scurry away as the season ends. in the past couple days I’ve had a hard time deciding which place is harder to leave. here or there. for the first time, I feel like I am saying goodbye to montana for a bit and it’s really hard and sad. I don’t want to leave. as little as 6 weeks, when I look around me, it feels like an eternity. when I return, life will be different. winter friends will switch to summer friends. skis will switch to mountain bikes, fishing rods and neoprene.

montana is stunning. more importantly the madison valley, jack creek road, beartrap canyon, norris pass and the plains are stunning. my life here is stunning. Ennis is stunning.

I am in love. I’m in awe over how much can change in a year. how much better everything can get. in previous years I haven’t had that many people to say goodbye to, or come back to in montana, but this time around I find myself saying goodbye to a lot of friends and finding myself missing them. missing our adventures together. so many to be had, so little time. so many invites I have to turn down. smith river with the yellowstone club ski patrol?? damn.

I took a last big sky ski day yesterday. skied the north summit solo. I stood there and stared down into the valley and felt dreadfully sad at the thought it would be another 9 months until I might be standing here again. I wanted to cry. as I skied around big sky yesterday, I ran into a lot of people I know and I was surprised to realize how many people I do know and how many know me. I never realize how many people see me when I am out skiing there. and recognize me. it’s damn near impossible to play hookie from ski patrol. everyone is watching.

I’ll miss the wolf pack. I’ll miss everyone. I’ll miss the skier girls of big sky and ripping the shit out of the mountain with them. if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s ski. the funny thing about progression, is that you don’t notice it happening until one day you realize you’re there. something I didn’t realize was happening until I went skiing with some people I used to ski with, and found myself to be painfully faster and better than them. few folks ask me if I know/ski Marlee and when I tell them I do, people have gauged my skiing abilities based on that Marlee likes to ski me. fascinating.

my seasonal life is taking on another season. my life is so fucking fantastic!

love this life. the best life. bonfire life. love. love. love. time to get out of bed and pack my things into my truck. fly over the divide.

my life is about to change.

I got an email from mom when I came out of bell lake yurt. we have been approved for a development/expansion loan. I’ve had 24 hours to ponder what this means for my future. in an instant, I see what I will give up. what I want to give up. I will be there for this. I love the hotel. I could cry about this a little. it’ll all work out in the end. I think I am in shock. how much longer will my family let me keep running away?

I am free. I see it now. the longer I spend alone. the more adventures I share with friends being unattached and unbound, the better I feel. I am high as fuck on life.

I’ve had two incredible trips this month. cataract canyon is always equally life changing, this time with most of my favorite people on the river with me. best. trip. ever. week later I did a bell lake yurt trip with another good crew. best. trip. ever. for some reason, despite the lack of skiable snow and everything being wind fucked. and terrifying pit test results. we still skied a ton, found the stashes and skinned our asses off. toured in the sunshine and felt slightly religious. I was sincerely wondering if the awesomeness of these trips had anything to do with where I am personally in my life. how I feel.

I think my attitude towards it might have a lot to do with it. I am so in love with life. this amazing thing. this freedom is what makes me roar. I feel elevated. in fact I feel like my little heart is about to burst from all the excitement and joy. life is a party. get used to it.

I am going to buy a big sky season pass this year. yup.

goose bumps.

let’s really think about this. when I met James I was 32 (I think). I am 35 now. so if you think about how long you’ve known someone in relation to the entire length of your life (in this case a total of 3 years), you get something like 8.57 %. how can anyone be expected to change their life trajectory for a mere fucking 8%?

you are 0.08 of a whole.

I think it’s slightly absurd what society asks from our relationships and what we are expected to give as individuals. as of late, I have been on the other end of James’ rants about what a selfish person I am (again) and my significant short comings in our relationship in regards to how much he thinks he gave and how much he thinks I didn’t. he appears incredibly bitter over the failure of the relationship and seeks blame. not in himself of course.

I’ve been single now long enough to feel truly wholesome again. I found myself thinking how incredibly awesome I have felt lately. I believe that what makes me awesome, is my freedom. so far in my life, it seems most of my relationships have attempted to bottle me up and put me on the shelf. to keep me to themselves. I don’t think I can be kept anymore. I never wanna get kept again. I don’t want to be someones possession. I never want to apologize for things I want in my life, for wanting to ski, or wanting to leave, or not wanting to stay the night. what ever the fuck it is, I am done being sorry for being me. I don’t understand where we learned as a s society that being in a committed relationship with someone includes being miserable and giving up your life. I’m sorry I think it’s crazy and I don’t get it.

I feel like I made it out alive. life is a strange place and makes some amazingly strange turns. I consider myself lucky that up until now I have made it through without kids, without all the baggage that society hands us. I am free. and I love my family and friends. I have the freedom to love whom I choose, rather than being forced to commit, being forced to love. I think monogamy is not natural, I think coupling for life is not natural in it’s current state in our modern society.

the relationships I build outside of intimate relationships are what matter. I have an incredible network of people around me whom I love and whom love me in return. I know they do, I feel it on a regular basis ad I am incredibly grateful for it everyday. it seems, after having been hurt and abused by my loved ones, I find safety in relationships that don’t include sex and expectations. rather, they quantify me based on my personality and who I am being to my friends. I place an infinite amount of value on those kinds of relationships and have become to regard intimate ones as a source of resentment and anxiety. I would rather have sex with strangers, without expectation, than have a deeper connection with someone I share my life with.

so here I am refining my promiscuity. I cannot be tied down. don’t waste your heart on a wild thing. I have accepted, that I would much rather have very good friends and have “weekend” boyfriends as we like to put it amongst my ripping skier girlfriends. I have been hanging out with Mike a little too much lately and I see clearly that he thinks of me as his girlfriend. this is a problem. thankfully I have a finland departure in my near future and maybe that’s an easy way out without actually doing any damage to our friendship. shouldn’t fool around with friends.

it’s also odd how some people light up your day in mere 3 minutes. I see what I want. I am going to get it. the arrangement is sex. maybe he’ll be my weekend boyfriend, he wants no strings attached and I am actually into him so I think it will be perfect. he makes me blush and all nervous and stupid giggly. and sweat and stuff.

I am playing hookie today. I won’t get out of the house. why would I? it’s -20 outside. I called in sick for patrol, they are not paying me enough to start my car and go shack up in the blistering cold in a top shack while they shut down the mountain. just to wait for evening sweeps.

I have airfare to finland again. and a booking for Moose on the side. this time for the first time in 17 years I am going to Finland in the spring. I am finally ok with giving up a spring season of skiing to be with my family.

if there’s one surprising thing that instagram has taught me, is that there are people in scandinavia doing rad things. I don’t necessarily have to be in northern rockies to enjoy some adventures. my addition to montana will never go away and this winter culture cannot be repeated o topped anywhere. I would be lying if certain finn in my recent history would have not altered my perspective. perhaps that’s why I am little in love with him and can’t help it. I think there is amazing area up to the north to explore that I have never really given much consideration to before.

I have to admit I come from a stubborn and hard culture. I have it in me to play rough and I think I will eventually direct my gaze further up north. I feel like I am being drawn back to living under the north star. there’s something there to be discovered that I shouldn’t ignore. I like who I am and I like being a combination of the two. I will never be just one or the other.

having a plane ticket and a deadline gives different drive to living these few months I have to ski hard and dedicated. when do I ever do anything in moderation? excited to see the spring bloom in finland. and excited to be coming back to get my rage on the highwater guide training. ready to dip into the icy gallatin and take a swim.