I cleaned out my spot in the girl shack. took my pfd, my guide stick and rest of my gear and stuck it in the back of my truck. the boat yard was empty and silent. evening storm rolled by and everyone was gone. wind blew empty beer cans around the yard.

I got into my truck and drove off. my heart sinking a little from saying goodbye to the family I’ve been with for the past couple months. saying good bye to the boat yard.

our summers are so short.

641 cfs.

fantastic.

life.

i don’t want this summer to end. I don’t want to leave this tribe of dirt bags. the tribe of raft guides. we all smell bad, we make fun of each other, we get drunk together and we pick up the pieces of our hang over all over the boat yard. we trade boats and play shitty tricks on each other. then pay in beer to make up for it. and have a good laugh about it.

I’ve only had 1 swimmer this season. and I haven’t swam myself once this year. I’m improving.

we did an R1 mission the other night. it’s amazing how easy it is when you don’t have anyone in your boat.

priceless. priceless memories. priceless life.

as I got bumped from a boat this morning, I was delighted. I have been aching to get a day off to rest my sorry bones. but when I drove down the river and past all the rapids and rocks I know by name, I wanted to desperately be on the river. I wanted to guide. it’s like an addiction of sorts. I opted for storm castle hike. it was lovely.

I’ve figured out how to get people to work hard for me. I’ve found a way to guide better. I know every hole. I know every move. at the end of the day we can talk about our exact line and call every rock by it’s name. I love knowing the river so well. it’s like my little home stream. it’s taught me a lot. an amazing amount about the river and how to read water. to be able to anticipate what the current will do to you. I love every minute of it. my tribe.

I saw a bear yesterday on jack creek and I hit a crow in mid flight this morning. america!

so there I was.

red ants pants. what an amazing time. it’s like montana’s version of burning man. I see familiar faces. I laugh so much that my stomach hurts.

I loved and I loved. I laughed and I cried. shared amazing moments with amazing people. this amazing state, this amazing community. ranch hands and cowpies. dust. heat. cowboy boots and hats. late night tailgate band performances around the campground. wandering under the starry sky.

every band I saw was an amazing experience and I have never loved seeing live music anywhere as much as I have there. I had some heartfelt encounters with a few people I will remember for forever.

forever moved. akin to a religion.

I also ate enough mushrooms to fry me up for a few days afterwards. I felt somewhat dumb getting back on the river today. it also dropped from 1100 to 750 cfs. ouch. the rocks are here. the low water line in effect. a lot more yelling. more militant. still big tips and people are impressed. thank god.

driving around with my windows down, with my hair flying out the window. rallying dirt roads.

guiding on the gallatin used to freak me out. it makes me a little nervous still running house rock. but I find myself calm, what’s the worst that could possibly happen!? hah! we’re fine. I like being calm. I get mean when I am freaking out.

I am a little stunned by recent drama in my life. I moved three states away five years ago to get away from a certain asshole that scares the crap out of me. I found out about a week ago that some crazy woman in missoula has got a thing for him and is actually moving him to Missoula.

I am horrified.

she wrote me a message on facebook and told me she believes she is in his life to awaken him to his divinity. she is going to be the person to lead him on this spiritual journey and will show him the way.

seriously? this is actually what she said. verbatim.

how can I make this person from my past go away? for forever and for good? I made a mistake a long time ago and I want to move on from it. I had hoped that moving three states away would have done it. and now he is moving three hours away from me to a town where I spend a lot of time in.

there might be a restraining order in my future. last time I ran into him he wanted to punch my face in and drown me in the river. verbatim. again.

about 20 hours. that’s about how long it takes. to be with one person in the same car to get your boats and dogs and mushrooms to the rogue river. sweating bullets at the put in gearing up and trying to get your shit together. we did well. neither backed out at the last minute like each of us surely thought the other might do. we really did that.

about two hours outside of bozeman on our way back, when we had both been over driving since Hermiston, OR, it dawned on me that there really aren’t many people in this world I would be willing to get into a car with for that long. I am having a bromance with Alex.

rogue river was amazing. I loved rowing my boat and I had two of my favorite people with me. and my dog.

gallatin river makes me tired. I have good days and I have bad days. and the good days really make it worth it. the bad days really make you wonder why the hell you are giving up your time to do something that pays you peanuts. now I am working everyday. it’s a lot to ask, but somehow I love to be punished. I love getting on the river with the crew, running a trip and getting back to the boat yard to regroup. talk about our boats over beers in the boat yard.

I’m doing it for the discipline. I said I would. my name is on the board.

It’s a weird feeling. and great to be good at something like guiding a boat. on the tricky as fuck gallabezi. when I think about guiding a boat, I get nervous thinking I’ll fuck up. I toss at night worrying about putting people through bad swims or pinning a boat. but somehow people stay in the boat, people are stoked, we make it to the take out and they tip me.

I go home for another lavender epsom salt bath.

why is it that it seems that when people are in intimate relationships with one another they seem to think that it’s ok to behave badly. that it’s ok to be rude or mean to your loved one. I’m not too far off here, am I? it seems to be a trend, when we are in a relationship, people behave in ways that they would never treat, say, a friend, co-worker, their mother (I’d hope).

I don’t quite understand why we have such a desire to stay and fight if the coupling isn’t a healthy one. why we have such a drive to need someone, that we are willing to put up with being treated shitty or dealing with crazy drama? being in a continuously good relationship takes a serious amount of skill, some mysterious talent, self-control and discipline. and a proper understanding of self and workings of the human mind. yet, there are mounds of people out there who do this. these men, that have committed to love a woman for a long time and have done so, who are they? these men exist?

so, what on earth would make someone love me as their lover and stay? to always be there? to really be there when things get hard? to be there when I get back from Finland? I am perplexed by those who are capable of years of marriage. that is the sort of thing that seems like a fairy tale, but happens to go on all around me. all the time. people do that sort of thing. get married. stay married. it’s one of the most fascinating mysteries of our time. to me it is.

I probably sound like I am not human right now.

an old wise man I know tells me: “you can’t get all your atta-boys from one place”. I couldn’t agree with him more.

I would wager to guess that I will never marry.

I know who I am to myself. I know who I am to my friends. but I don’t at all understand who I am to love. how have people loved me in the past? it seems, many times I have been to them the air they breathe. looking on it now, it seems like such an odd thing to do. to surrender yourself to the judgment of someone you’ve just barely met. falling in love is kind of a crazy thing to do. it’s like a socially accepted form of insanity.

how do you hold back without diluting your passion? how do you ever allow yourself to fall in love again? as sweet as it is, it’s downright terrifying. and frankly, at the moment, incredibly undesired. perhaps because how scared of it I am. and my learned pattern assures me no one is ever here to stay. I don’t want to know anymore what it feels like to hurt so god damn bad.

with the way it is today, I am happy. with the way I am today, I am content. I see my life through rose colored lenses. full of wonder and bright colors. though forever confused about my place in the world.

I have started guiding on the gallatin now. here we are again. wet everyday. even a bad day on the river is still always a good day on the river. I love it. I’ve missed the boat yard. it’s good to be back.

makes me want to take the back roads.

for the first time in few years I am living in a town where I really like all the people I meet. sure, every town has it’s a-holes, but I must admit they seem to be few and far in between, fairly easy to avoid. this is a summer town, but unbeknownst to many, thrives in winter, with it’s handful of locals with big hearts.

I went to a sunday evening barbeque at channels ranch last night. tons of people showed up, everyone is friends. kids are kayaking, parents are sneaking off to toke, people are fishing, drinking beer, basking in the sun and enjoying a beautiful montana sunset over the tobacco roots. they have hockey leagues, yoga sessions, bowling teams, meat cook offs, golf tournaments and numerous other adventures to get together with. I love seeing familiar faces where ever I go. and I love all these events that introduce me to the crowd more and I love starting to know everyone.

the funny thing about this town, is that it has your back.

I’ve never experienced living in such a small town, and it’s funny how I feel like the chances of being alone in a city are greater than in a small town that has only 800 some people.

the cotton woods are falling like snow. everything is green, it’s pleasantly warm with a slight breeze, the river is right there. I can hop in my boat right in town and float/channel surf down to channels ranch, maybe get a ride back up from a friend. I love my life here. passionately.

my fishing rod came in the mail today. finally!

in 24 hrs I rafted the gallatin, floated the madison and skied off the top of granite peak in the tobacco roots. I have been ready to put my skis away, but the ski was rad. that’s a big swath of snow still up there. we had to dig the truck out once or twice, but made short work of it. as stoked as I am to run rivers, must not forget about skiing. maybe go biking even.

ah, best life.

I’ve been trying to formulate my thoughts. I need to have a conversation with a friend that I don’t want to have. I want him to stop making passes at me. I am also afraid of having this conversation because his friendship matters a lot to me. it’s all my own doing tho, should have never slept with the guy.

went for a 9 mile through hike in the bridger foothills. I didn’t even really notice it blew by, I guess I needed to think. after getting stalked on instagram by James’ old/new girlfriend (whom seems really desperate to place her claim. poor girl, can’t imagine what that’s like), the thought that struck me the most is that I have loved a lot in my life, perhaps that much loving does not happen to everyone. it’s surprising to see that neither of them moved on and that she is willing to take him back after he left her for me. everyone chooses for themselves what they are willing to do for love.

I have been passionately loved by quite a few people in my life.  I am happy for others who can find love, I know how wonderful and amazing it can be. and I honestly feel like I have had more than my fair share. I am blessed to have experienced such an overwhelming amount of love. I sure know how to love when I choose to love. now I am choosing not to. and surprisingly, I am totally happy without it and content being where I am.

I am slightly startled at noticing how little I want any kind of a relationship. quite frankly, I am tired of them. I don’t want to waste my time obsessing about someone and being all bent up when it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to get into some damn love bubble with someone. I don’t want to be controlled. I want to keep being free. I found the expectation to be intimate incredibly annoying, slightly insulting. I felt like I was being pressured. I hate the demands. and that made me resent him and the situation. I like hanging out, but I quickly realized I don’t want anyone to think I’m his girlfriend. I don’t want people to enlist me with him. and I don’t want him to enlist me with him. stop trying to date me.

I am actually kinda annoyed. really.