“I guess this long distance thing isn’t going to work after all. give moose a hug for me see you back here in the US”
I went for a run in the misty morning rain. sat and cried. ran some more.
dear god.
how did this happen?
Cory turns out to be someone I didn’t expect him to be. I am more amazed by him as the days roll on. he is a myriad of a person. somehow, him and I make sense together. I always took him for tad strange. took him or a dirt bag, really. and he is. but in odd ways. in the same ways that I am.
he sees me as unique. and I know I am. I feel like with him, I am unique. and it feels amazing to be seen that way by him.
I am so complete in love with him it’s absurd.
people like us together. I like us together. everyone tells me he is such a great guy. I believe them now. people tell me we make a really cute couple. it’s strange, but I feel like we are. even though I think we are polar opposites, we have a dynamic I haven’t experienced before.
I like saying his name.
he’s fallen for me.
and then I leave. he might not be there when I get back. and that’s ok. all I can do is set him free. though it has been his idea all along to be there for me when I get back. to call himself my boyfriend. to be with me. to hold me every night.
I leave in a week. the story of my life.
“Pisces is denoted by two fish swimming in opposite directions—one toward security, the other to freedom. the fish is equal parts commitment-phobe and serial monogamist.” and that, there, my friends, sums up my life-long demise.
and this journal has become a detailed account of my love affairs, failures and promiscuity.
I am completely in love with him. I don’t know what he is with me. about a week ago I kinda touched on the subject of what happens when I leave. he referred to himself as my boyfriend and that I was only going for a couple months. but I still have no clear idea what his intentions are. here’s a man who’s been perpetually single most of his life, so I harbor no illusions of the likelihood that this wouldn’t fade away as I do. he’s an odd mix of loyalty and kindness, coupled with good looks and cockiness, which inevitably leads to a life of a man-whore.
he has been with a lot of girls. but as I should admit out loud.. I have been with a lot of dudes. I lost my own count around a hundred. in my twenties. I know my current number must reach staggering heights by now, something I have lost sight of years ago and now seems like an insignificant detail. when you enjoy a life filled with self-indulgences and you bounce from one relationship to another, sex obviously becomes one of them. there’s no shame in this. when I met him, he was the third guy I fucked that week, and it was only wednesday…
and equally, while I pondered last night what his longest relationship may have been, I reflected upon the fact that my longest one spanned a mere 3.5 yrs.
if anything Cory and I are a lot of like in more ways than I would have imagined. as Eric Shores pointed out, while he might be a tad insane and it takes a special person to put up with it. he knows me well enough to say that it might actually make a lot of sense.
Cory took me over to his parents house for dinner last night. he has a great family. surprisingly great.
I am completely in love with him. but what ever happens, happens. at this point in my life, I can only marvel at the beauty of feeling this way towards someone. having the capacity in my heart to have this moment.
I regret nothing. I take no prisoners.
it’s hammering rain outside. I am at Cory’s living room eating the breakfast he made me before he headed out to work for the day. spent all day yesterday building my sauna with Mark. really need to work on it again today, if it ever stops raining. it was good to hang out with Mark, I told him about Cory. I am glad we can be friends. and I am glad I have moved on.
just like that.
life works in wondrous ways.
remarkable summer.
as I said, I hadn’t really been dating much. I had been too vulnerable. carrying the weight of my past on my shoulder. trying it on for size with Mark was good for me. really good for me.
but. there’s a few things I see now. like the part about how cold Mark actually was towards me at times. I understand where it comes from because I think I was emotionally completely closed off for quite a while for similar reasons. the inability to expel love towards one single person. it’s remarkable.
but he awoke something in me. and for that I actually owe him a thanks. I liked trying the dating thing with him. it was intimidating and I am glad I did it. he was almost too good to be true (on paper, anyway), but I see few things that I think would have made me miserable on the long run. to be frank, he wasn’t the most phenomenal lover either. granted, the sex did get pretty stellar once we learned each other, but no matter how you flip the coin I’m still a very passionate and affectionate person whereas he is not.
this isn’t really something I realized until the past week. and only notice this now cause I found something. I’ve known him for a while and it wasn’t until one random night after boating the trap last week that I decided to go home with him after gravel… and discovered an amazing lover. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. but.
I feel drunk.
never took him too seriously. not even after I slept with him. but the more I get to know him I am actually impressed by him. and the more time I spend with him, I realize how hot he is. his skin is soft, but he’s ripped. he’s incredible affectionate and I could drown in his arms. I want his skin to touch me every where and it’s just like that. when we’re alone his big soft hands are all over. grabbing hard at times and kissing me softly at others. all over my body. when we sleep he cuddles me to the point I have to push him away sometimes. he cradles my head on his shoulder and kisses me in his sleep. holds my hand. holds my pinky under the table.
he’s inviting me over for breakfast. wants to be around. all the time. we’re going to bozeman tonight to hang out with his friends. new territory.
there’s no denying there’s chemistry here. and as it turns out, he’s much more remarkable of a man I ever gave him credit for. I didn’t expect to like him this much. didn’t really expect to like him at all. beyond a lay. it’s surprising and has caught me off guard.
thousand tiny pieces. that I loved him for. that I am now.
somehow I still don’t really understand what happened. it doesn’t really make sense. but there it is. days roll into weeks and as quickly as he came, he becomes a distant memory. I leave everything be. I am ok.
actually I am numb. I’m good at that.
moods of the madison came and I got my party on. I am reacting. I wasn’t really having sex until I met Mark. or it’s just been a while. and I hate to admit, but I kinda got my predator on that weekend. I wanted to know I was wanted. and god damn, I am. my spell of being alone largely resulted from me personally not being ready to date and have sex. and now I am. he broke me of that. but I know I wouldn’t have done any of it, if I wasn’t trying to say “see how many fucks I give”.
you have a limited amount of fucks to give in this life. choose them wisely. he is not worth one of my fucks. well, he is, but since there’s nothing I can do about it, I choose to spend zero time in dwelling on him. at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
I met some guy Friday night. cute and funny, but I just don’t give a fuck. he kept stalking me sat night at the show, so I paid to give him a face-painting of some kind of raptor reptile and promptly ditched him in the crowd. only to hook up with another hot young army dude I’d met earlier that day. brought him to my trailer for the night. that was fun.
I am not ashamed of any of this. I am a free adult and I made a choice that weekend. I needed it. it made me feel good. you have no right to judge my actions.
so I take off for colorado on a whim. much needed space of mind. much needed perspective. I marveled at the vastness of the american west. there’s so much room to roam. america is a stunning beauty. colorado is just like montana but with more people. driving always makes me feel good. and heading to see my best friend feels good. ran the arkansas river a few times while I was down hanging out with Alex and Chris. hiked to the top of a colorado’s tallest point. I passed everyone on the way up and made it up there surprisingly fast.
standing on top of that peak made my heart soar. reminded me what I live for.
came back to guiding with a fresh lease on life and had a stellar few days of rodeo, sleeping in the boat yard with the rest of the fools. saw robert earle keen. crashed a wedding. best wedding crashing ever. good crew. love this tribe of dirt bags. they’re there for me when I needed them.
I spent the last two days in bed. reading a good novel. honestly can’t remember the last time I had time to do so. I loved every minute of it. my body aching and sore from last weeks guiding binge. I am broken. also seem to have broken my back. my guiding season is over. time to catch what’s left and get my summer on. I want to stand on top of peaks.
I am getting electricity tomorrow.
I am electric.
I am whole.
through a few, what seemed like awkward throws of getting reacquainted, I think we found a rhythm again. I find peace in me because I found him again. I find peace in the mountains. I find peace in him. we have many great conversations. and pleasant quiet moments. I love the adventure with him.
as it was, the drive up into the Spanish Peaks was beautiful with staggering amounts of buffalo in the valley. it was pouring rain, which stopped eventually right as we got to the trail head. had a fire and I introduced him to the joys of mushrooms. for his birthday, you know. giggled and had some more awesome sex.
next morning we hit the trail at 6am. it was cold, foggy and misty. we were soaked with in a few minutes. after about 2 hours of cruising trail in the cold, we left the trail and began our bushwhack traversing to the base of the fabled Blaze. the moment the fog finally cleared, –or we had climbed out of it, really– we emerged in the avalanche clear-cut opening at the bottom of the snowfield that looked ridiculously smaller than what we had hoped. but as we climbed up it, all 2300 feet straight up the face of the blaze mountain, it turned out to be much bigger.
we dropped off skis at the top of snowfield and headed up to the top of the peak. the last hundred feet. we sat there for a while, tucked in an alcove in the sun, away from the wind and stared off into the peaks. such a beautiful peaceful time in the mountains. there’s something so amazing about being there. maybe it’s the work you put in to getting there, which quite frankly didn’t seem that bad, really. or maybe it’s staring at all those peaks. when I do, the only thing I see, are all those places I want to explore next. I love sharing these moments with him. I loved being there.
we skied down, what turned out to be a pretty damn long ski run. just freaking rad. for the time of the summer, after such a long heat wave, and after such a low snow year. I was truly impressed. the blaze is a much easier ski and access than I had always pictured. easy to find and easy to go up. for the bushwhacking there is, it’s easy sub-alpine forest to walk through. it’s gorgeous. such a cool mountain range.
after our ski we laid on a flat rock in the sun, had sex and napped. doesn’t get much radder than this. no hurry to get anywhere. the hike down seemed to take for ever. when we reached the car we had beers in the shade from the beautiful and peaceful summer afternoon in the mountains. hundreds of birds singing. snacked and napped. and repeated. no hurry to get anywhere.
that was probably the best 24 hours I’ve had in a long time. amen. I was incredibly happy every minute of it.
fairly speechless.
I am high. on the oddest thing ever. running makes me feel insanely good. I have never truly gotten to a point with my running that I got a high while I am running. I have that now. last night I ran for a solid hour and a half. maybe two. (largely because there seriously isn’t anything else to do in Finland). but I didn’t keep track. besides the occasional shin splints, could have kept on running. I love running up hills. I love running up stairs.
that long hill that climbs from the bottom of the water front, all the way to the top of the hill, used to daunt me.
I used to look up at that thing, take a deep breath and settle for the grueling climb. usually not making it all the way to the top. last night I looked at that thing and realized it was nothing. other than my knees giving in, or my shin splints killing me, I can keep going.
I can keep going, and it feels incredible. almost in a way that just running, isn’t enough exercise. when at some point, just to be able to run for 20 minutes, seemed like over coming some huge achievement.
this is something I am incredibly excited about. something I want to pat myself on the back for. to reward myself. and the thing is, the more I run, the better it gets. the better it gets, the better I feel and the more I get out of it. sometimes I run slow, and I don’t care. I’ve stopped measuring my successes on my time or my speed or feeling guilty over not being fast. because I realized that’s not the point. and I can run much further and longer, if I stop pushing myself too hard. running slower has made me able to run faster. I also enjoy knowing that when I run steadily, I can actually sprint periodically. something I was never able to do before. partially because I ran too fast, pushed myself too hard.
and the only reason why any of this really matters…. is because I want to do more. bigger things. like I used to. I want to climb peaks and I want to ski bigger lines. I want to traverse ridge lines and make big journeys through my home mountain ranges. I know winter is a ways off, but if I don’t keep training now, I’ll be worse off when winter comes. besides. I need to be in guiding shape here in about a week…
I fly in 7 days. I look forward to freedom. to gravel roads. dirt between my toes and living a summer in my trailer.
my amazing mountain life.
the art of losing things is not a hard one to master. or is it? I’ve lost plenty of things in my life. material things and other things. long time ago I accepted loss of material things. like earrings. bikes. shoes. they merely pass through my life. never really owned them, I was borrowing them. material possession don’t matter. truly. they are utterly meaningless. I’ve learned not to care too much. with the cleansing of my life to fit into a 20ft trailer, this is even more apparent. you can always buy new skis.
loss of self comes in intervals. now that I’ve found me again and I am incredibly happy being here, I have vowed to never let me go again. I think if there was one thing I might ever regret, is letting someone wreck me. letting someone take pieces of me, and more so than that, giving them to someone whom was never worthy to do the taking. I’ve given myself away for free, to people who didn’t deserve me at times. I’ve promised to never give myself away again. to anyone.
it’s not a selfish act. it’s a self loving act, out of respect for others. I don’t need to given away.
when it comes to loss of love tho. I’ve had some practice. it’s been a long time since I’ve had someone in my life I might worry about. worried about maybe they might change their mind. maybe they simply drifted away while I was gone. somehow I think Mark is different. I might be naive, but I don’t feel like he is desperate to have me around constantly. he’s not desperate to cling to someone. he values my presence in his life, but also understands that my absences were a given from the start. as are his.
and what I have learned is this. when I am freaking out about losing sight of him. when I worry myself sick about losing him. if he didn’t call. if I haven’t heard from him. I take a deep breath and return to the state where I have been. what’s the worst that could possibly happen. I remind myself that I am fantastic alone. before I met him, I was content being me and being alone. there is no reason why I shouldn’t be content now. truly, there is no sense in worrying about this sort of thing. there is absolutely nothing I can do to make someone stay. to make someone want to be with me.
I am incredibly delighted that he does. I often do not understand why. I understand who and what I am to myself. I know who I am being to my friends, but I don’t at all understand who I am to love. I don’t understand what or who I am to him. but what ever I am, I know he likes to be around me. likes to spend time with me. likes to have sex with me. apparently. he keeps seeking me out. frequently.
dating seems like an odd thing. it’s been long enough since I really have. and it’s been long enough that I haven’t needed anyone. and I still don’t/ having someone frightens me a little more than it probably should. I think the thought that frightens me the most is learning how to let someone in my life. how to cope with having someone see me for who I am.
I have been happily bumping along with my life for a while. has it been almost 3 years since I had a boyfriend? I know he’s frightened of dating. I have my own fears. perhaps different than his, but I like the fact that he might also see, after getting to know me, that I am equally timid about the concept of having someone.
give me time and space. I like being able to breathe.
this is good.
but in the end. should I lose him, like I’ve lost others, I am better with it than I think I’ve ever been. the thought does not frighten me so. it is also why I proceed cautiously. I understand the value of a partner. I also understand the value of myself and my friends. maybe there will again come a time when a he will be equally, or more important.
love.
where to even begin.
the most amazing part about the grand canyon is watching the crew become a cohesive tribe. becoming a herd animal and finding family in the cooky birds that made the 235 mile journey through the big ditch. in itself, I realized about half way through our trip what a fleet we were. 8 boats is a big crew. though we were slow getting off the beach every morning, I was still amazed that everyday we did and rigged 8 boats. and every day we ran rapids as a group. when ever possible engaged worm drive that resulted to impromptu partying. this was a crew that didn’t need any arm twisting to get their party on. or to go big.
three amazing weeks of sleeping under the stars, on sandy beaches in the bright moonlight. watching out for scorpions. I brought outfits I loved tripping in and my tutus made their rounds through the tribe.
heavy lotions become a commodity. the sand, water and sun are surprisingly hard on your body, skin and belongings. rig to flip everyday and waterproofing your life. me and Alex lived on the Jawp for three weeks and I never hated her once, not even a little. when I hugged her good bye at the take out, I was close to bursting into tears. I cried later. I miss her like crazy and I love her with all my heart. there are only a couple friends in my life I love as much as her.
I have a boyfriend. yes I do. it’s kind of odd. kid of exciting. a boyfriend who is completely fine and content with the fact that I am gone for periods of time. he picked me up from the airport when I got to montana before my grand trip and I spent 36 hours with him. when I got off the plane I wasn’t sure what to expect, or how it might be. it was nice. easy. after my grand trip I spent what ever time I had with him.
last night in my trailer I finally asked him. or pretty much told him. he told me he’d figured that out before I came back from finland. and wondered when I was going to ask. I didn’t really need to bring it up, since I could tell the difference. that’s what the flowers were for.
wonderful a little. it fits.
my life is amazing. abundant and full of joy. today I am incredibly grateful for the life I get to live. for the friends and family I have. I am in love with life, and life is in love with me.
dear god.
I feel like an insane person again.
I think it takes significant amount of will power and some form of perseverance that allows me to manage my life the way it is. I would like to think that most people might buckle under the weight of handling the logistics of my life. I am leaving again tomorrow. but for a short while. I am leaving finland with flipflops and not much more than my trailer keys and couple pairs of jeans.
I am leaving my computer behind. I am signing off for 4 weeks to be at the bottom of the big ditch.
I am finally excited about it. alex and all were raving about it about a month ago, I finally got excited two days ago when I realized what I was about to go do.
my life in insanity.
I am insanely busy at work. I have now accepted some large portion of our company to share with my sister. signed the papers a couple weeks ago.
I am good at what I do. I love the job I do, the work I have and I like the fact that it’s endless. someday, it will be under control, but I have mountains to climb until we get there. feels good. it’s always hard to leave, I have so much to do. I like seeing that I am good at it. I’m sorta like the visual image and customer experience coordinator. been wondering about my job description for a while now. I have managed to stay behind the scenes all this time and not have a business card or an identity in the company and I kinda like to stay that way. and people are often very surprised when the staff points at me as an answer to “who runs this place?”
f.
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