I have the emotions of a teenager. but perspective of having lived.

the world is organized around the belief that everyone should find a partner. lately I have noticed this more than ever. perhaps because when ever I hear conversations over hardships in relationships or struggles associated with commitment to one single person, I am dumfounded. I find myself being so far removed from the concept of committing to a single person and putting up with those struggles. I can’t relate. at all. half the world seems to be in some kind of personal struggle over what they have done to themselves.

is it truly human nature to partner up? or is that just what we’ve been taught all our lives so we can’t phantom a thought otherwise?

I have loved hard. I have loved many times from to the fullest depths of my heart. I have also fallen hard. I feel like I have had more than my share of passionate all consuming love. I realize that not everyone has the capacity to fall as deeply as I have. I am grateful for having had this tremendous capacity to love. I still am. and I am blessed, that through all those times, I’ve learned to differentiate love. I’ve learned to love, just for the sake of love. without attempt to bind, commit and steal someones freedom because of my love. I strive to cease to ever ask for it. I do not master this, nor will I ever will, but I can strive to acknowledge my emotions, work through them and find a way to accept them and move on.

perhaps, because I’ve loved so hard to my hearts content, I feel this way now. I’ve had so much, my heart is filled. I continue to receive more and more. more than what I sometimes think I deserve. I don’t crave love or partnership of a single source now. in fact, I think it would be a huge pain in the ass to try to coordinate this life with someone. I’ve given up trying to manage all that absurdity. and at least at this point in my life, it’s a huge relief.

I have come a million miles from where I have been. I like having lovers. none of them is perfect, but they are all wonderful. how could I choose just a single one? I love so many people and I am blessed with an incredible life, I can’t imagine needing one single person. or ever finding just one that I wanted badly enough, that was perfect enough, that I was willing to settle for such a thing. maybe someday I will feel differently, but now, it’s almost impossible to imagine wanting to be monogamous. why would I? why does anyone? why do so many people NEED someone to be with? I am so incredibly content being alone and sharing fantastic moments with so many people that love me. just for who I am. and I love them in return. greatly. to each their own.

I don’t miss having just one person to come home to. my world is filled with love. I’ve learned by now it’s not worth buying the whole pig if you want a little sausage. lol.

I am perplexed.

oh, how things change. how I change. it’s surprising and fun to watch me change, grow, mature, develop. becoming a pro at life.

I have been spending a lot of time on the island. yesterday I loaded up a bunch of wood and tools onto the ferry. pedaled across with moose and got to work in the sunshine, with a fantastic view. turns out, getting the saw and the drill out, I am in my element again. bursting with joy! I love building things. putting the skills I’ve learned so far to good use by building a new dock for the summer house. I am thrilled with life. and finland isn’t half bad. between this lakeside view from the island and madison valley mountain range, I think I’ve got it pretty good.

love life. I am content.

these are the most amazing moments of my life. I know I say this all the time. but I can’t help it. when did I ever get blessed with the gift of making the most amazing life for myself. there aren’t enough words to tell the world how much I am in love. sometimes I am so in love, I just don’t know exactly what I am in love with.

today marks the ending of the most amazing ski season I have had. to date. EVER. I know a lot of people at big sky who say the same thing. if you just got up there, you were rewarded, all season. and I had all the energy around me to stoke my fire. there have been so many tram islands, lost lake laps, walk on trams and north summits that I lost count in January. I have had my heart elevated more times than I can count this season. I have exhaled deeply in the mountain air. every day.

my heart is filled. I am content. I have had more face shots than my fair share.

I have been also chased by more men than my fair share. but we’re not going to talk about that. except. all I have to say, is that when your life and heart is filled to the brim every day by the people who surround you and you feel deeply loved every day.. you don’t need a man to validate you. I get my yaya’s from my multiple lovers and a fantastic network of friends. my heart is filled.

I have no words to describe my season. but I want to write it all down. I want to remember the parties of Powder week. the random hot tub poaches. the epic powder laps down dakota or to the lake. new years spent in missoula and a cabin at lolo hot springs. my fan mountain. so many first trams. so many. or when Kenny, Brittnea and Dan came down for Cooke and we kept the party going. and slumbered at the Shore’s for a night and skied pow at big sky. or me and Dani’s excellent epic adventure to the base of the Ycouloir with the most insane avalanche of our lives! our epic dance party of Big Sky chicks only at Jackson hot springs. when Betsy and I got drunk together, 24 hours with Betsy. love her bunny heart. all our Poop Shoots on thursday night. chuganese.or the time I heard I had nominations for duchess/queen. every time patrol pointed at me in the penalty box and said “Tiia, you can go”  when I ripped turns in gale force winds with Jason Racine and Orloff recognized my endless mile in the blizzard we were standing in. there are about a million moments from this winter when I felt epic.

my life is becoming more filled with memories than I can account for them or write them down.

I want to kiss life. and make out with it. I have no time, room or patience for a relationship at this point. I am a free agent, and fucking good at having fun!

here’s something I do know for a fact.

I am surrounded by people who love me. my heart is filled and over flowing. I am blessed by the community of people who surround me. the network that has my back. everyday. there’s something about knowing you’ve earned people’s love that is the most valuable thing in the world. this is my tribe.

absolutely. my life is insane. always is. always will be. and I can’t seem to even find the time to actually write about all these wonderful things..

I spent my birthday week skiing and flying. I flew around cedar mountain complex and fan mountain in what could best be described as a VW bug. that was a mind blowing experience. I had some incredible epic bails skiing big sky. one slide for life, heroic self-arrest and catching my ski before it flew away from me. and one explosion in the big couloir, where I actually had to glissade down to collect my gear and dignity in front of the cheering crowd.. the sorta things that make you re-evaluate your cockiness and check yourself. I skied off the summit of fan mountain. something I’ve wanted to do for years. what an incredible summit and slog!! beautiful! Finished my incredible week by joining forces in Jackson with the Helena crew and spent the weekend laughing so hard my sides hurt. We skied deep powder in the pass for a couple days. sunday night drove to salt lake, met up with Juan, whom I haven’t seen in years! and flew out of SLC airport to Helsinki monday morning. Then spent the week walking around my parents house naked and working.

what a fucking fantastic life!

my birthday week also included meeting someone that has surprised me in many ways. I wasn’t going to reach out to him after our night of revelry in Big Sky over powder week. but I am incredibly glad I did. I’ve had amazing conversations with him over the last week about love, intimacy and relatioships. and I think he will become a friend for long time to come.

some part of a conversation I don’t want to forget. conversations I’ve never really had with most people…

HIM: “…I hope I didn’t mislead you, I’m not divorced. My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married for 11. We’re both very happy together, but also open minded and realistic. When we first knew we wanted to join our lives together we agreed on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” when it came to other people. I’m sure she’s had a lover or two over the years, and I’m okay with that, I just don’t want to know about it. Happy wife, happy life. It’s not something I do often, but every once in a while someone comes along who makes my heart beat faster and we can both tell there’s a connection. So we get to act on that connection, experience it and explore it…and I’m not burdened with guilt or remorse. It may not work for everyone, but it’s worked for my wife and I for nearly 20 years. Hard to understand or not”

these are hard and confused thoughts to formulate and will take some time to formulate. and this post will be work in progress for the next few weeks, maybe months.

it turns out, that I am a person who likes to categorize pain. I like to file it into a place that makes sense, so that I may find a way to cope with it.

when you lose someone surprisingly close to you, in a way that doesn’t feel like it makes any sense, I am at a loss with explanation, logic and reason. as it turns out, I am actually not equipped to deal this. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do with it, how to find acceptance. I find myself refusing to accept she is no longer with us. ranging from tears to anger, frustration. only finding the senseless void. the sentences unfinished.

the last ten days I have reflected on my relationship with her. pouring over our conversations, hikes, glasses of wine, indulgent dinners and conversations, I find a million messages of love. in so many ways, I see now how much she loved me, what she thought of me. I am incredibly shaken an honored to be loved by her. and she let me know, in more ways than I can count.

after she passed I have found and felt her love in incredible ways that has left me speechless.

I think that is the most amazing memory and legacy she could have left us all with. in my grief, it is the one comfort I find that makes me smile and think about her looking down on me, telling me to get the fuck on, bitch! that ridiculous laugh. she was so loud. she is loud today. so many fucks she didn’t give.

she was an amazing woman, who lived an incredible life. she left a pussy-squad of strong women in her wake. a group that hit the ground running to do anything and everything. looking on it now, I am incredible honored that she considered me a friend. that she included me in this group of amazing women she collected around her.

live like Rosanna.

you’re as sweet as strawberry wine. you’re as warm as a glass of brandy.

so here goes. this might be too x-rated for some, stop now if you don’t want to know about my escapades.

usual evening at big sky. aprés at scissor bills with Kristina and Mark. there’s a party of 26 dudes from various parts of the US. wild night. I want to cut out early, go get moose and cuddle up at home with netflix. some drunk dude insists on walking me out, me finding great humor in all this I let him. soon enough he lures me into their condo next door. there’s a hot tub and all.

party rolls on. there’s 26 guys to choose from, I’m like a kid in a candy store. don’t even know what to do with myself. hooking up with drunk guy, but flirting with his roommate Sean. eventually him and I want to cut out. I bail, Sean meets me around the corner. god, damn, he is so insanely hot. body of a football player. big dick, to the point  I am almost too tight. the sorta body that he has been a body builder but let it go a little, so he’s thick, warm and insanely soft. and big.

Sean and Brett we’re sharing a room. a king size bed to be more specific. I was going to sleep right next to Sean, him squeezing my hand under the blanket, telling Brett that seems like I am sound asleep. I’ve got my hand on his dick under the thick covers. Brett finally leaves and Sean and I burst into it like rabbits. my god he is so hot and sex with him is so insanely hot. hot hot hot.

while we are going at it, Brett walks in on us. Sean doesn’t stop but just keeps going and finishes. Brett has been rubbing my nipples and now grabs my ass, pulls me close and enters me. Sean stays with me the whole time, kissing me, holding me and caressing me all over. Brett finishes quickly. I get up, go into the shower, Sean follows me and we take a shower together. he is ready to go again and we have wild sex in the bathroom. against the mirror, him fucking me from behind.

we finally make it back to bed. and do it all over again, this time trying to be quiet. Brett is asleep or pretending. we are on the table, on the floor. against the dresser. hot hot hot.

we fall asleep, me between the two of them. Sean and I wake up again sometime in the middle of the night. and we fuck gently and quietly, with both of us coming quickly.

the morning dawns with all three of us hung over as shit. there’s giggles and jokes and all is well. not awkward. they treat me like the utmost gentlemen they are. they are very sweet and caring. and this is odd, but at night they got me merino wool underwear (odd, I know). but they bought me $120 worth of merino wool underwear. treated me like a lady the entire night and the morning and watched over me. we had breakfast the next morning at bugaboos. they both hugged me good and kissed me good bye and we waved off.

no phone numbers. what happens in big sky, stays in big sky.

no matter what happens. no one can take me away. the skin I was born in, will be mine until the day I die. the best I can ever give myself and the rest of the world, is to simply love me just the way I am. to adore me the way I am. I am my own entertainment center. I am my own love.

I am a trier. I am a survivor. I am a fighter. I am a riser.

I had my fun. I loved Cory Hardy. he’ll probably become someone that got away. but he’s also someone whom needed to get away. he is what he is and I knew what I got into when it started. but it sure was fun. life has taught me to let go, accept the things I cannot change and smile on. in fact, smile big, because it was incredible to feel that way again. I loved! I really did. I can!

and so I got my groove back. I got my skis back under me. I am the queen of the mountain. I rip and people have taken notice. they really do. it’s a bit of a high… I met up with some people I’ve never skied before on friday. got ski patrol locals tour down Marx a couple times. side stepping to fresh tracks! community service. with the same crew I ended up lapping Marx with…. they ducked the gate to the Lake and invited me along.. magical moments. new friends. and giggles and phone numbers from boys..

I keep hiking headwaters and nothing in there scares me anymore. which is startling. today I kicked up a fresh track up the knife edge ridge in the gale force winds, freezing the other side of my face, and felt the high. such a beautiful place to call home. I could see Eric & Annie’s from there. Dropped into Hellroaring, traversed into Firehole and enjoyed wholesome powder.

my church.

the snow greets me. I have arrived in the prairie. there’s a foot of snow on all the side roads. fires are lit and eric’s hot tub treated me right when I got home.

went to go wake up Cory this morning. we’re seeing how this goes I guess.

first day of the season today! feels weird being back on skis. it comes back quickly. it’s good to be home. another season. I am so excited about this one. racing to get my ski legs back.

it’s nice to be a good skier. I amaze myself sometimes.

is this the biggest life? or a life half lived?

to some, my life sounds incredible. whomever I tell, is smitten with my story. my life is not without it’s riches, but when I am in finland I am incredibly home sick. I am anxious to leave, but I am also scared to leave. there’s so much work to do. work that matters. work that directly takes care of those in my life that matter.

my moose misses them when we leave. he’s excited to come home everyday to a house full of people. he’s so excited to get out of the car and run to the door he can’t even pee before going in.

to me, finland represent a strange mix of stoic heritage and patriotism with deep love that can only explained with deep roots, contrasted with seething hatred and constant frustration for it’s idiotic and brain washed people whom are incapable of original and logical thought. that, unfortunately, are the masses.

I would like to spend more time in the US, but for now, I take this. being here for only 2.5 months does not feel too bad, but I got a lot done. 4 months in a row if suicide.

my life is exactly what I want it to be.

I feel like life is a fleeting thing. every week counts. every year counts. I want to make it count. I am all over the place. I am on the plane again.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

tomorrow I will kiss the american soil. I will kiss and hug the many friends that have become my family. the people I have chosen to be my family.

I will see my Kenny in Seattle in 14 hours. I will hug my Brittnea in Missoula in 2 days. I will kiss my Cory in ennis in 3 days. I will ski my Eric in Big Sky in 4 days.

I will freeze in my trailer in 3 days and love every god damn minute of it!

holy hell. I was pouring over my music collection trying to fill a player for the Boutique and I came across one particular song that’s got a time stamp on my life.

I was suddenly reminded of the time when I was so god damn wounded. early morning drives in the winter storms through the canyon to Moonlight Ski Patrol. I was doing awesome things then. like I am now, but I am startled to be reminded of exactly how much I hurt then. and how I could not see how awesome I was then. as I am now. and how badly I needed those drives alone, in a blizzard, to get ready, to keep my insanity bottled up for the day of work on the hill. it was December 2012. I am reminded of how I felt that day and could not, at the time, see past my sorrow. I’ve always known everything will pass. but it was the sort of pain I had to allow to define me for some time to come. the sorta thing people can smell on you.

it was the last time in my life that I had truly loved. that I had truly been vulnerable. since then I have loved and cared, but I’ve never really let my guard down.

now I am at the end of 2015. three years later and it’s hard to remember the sort of pain I felt then. it’s hard to understand the extent of it.

now, when I heard the song again, I cried. I cried cause I felt bad for myself and what I had gone through. remembering how incredibly hard it was to pick myself back up again and for how long I could not accept that there might be something to look forward to in life again. I felt mostly bad that I was awesome then, but I could not see myself for how special I am. I could not find the love for myself. I am mostly sad for how many years it took me learn to love myself again.

but I love now. it’s a beautiful thing.

Mark was the first person who saw me differently. or one that I allowed to see me differently. and made me realize how far I’d come. I put in my time and where I am now is absolutely incredible. I ham free. I am the richest person in the world. I am a millionaire.

I take no prisoners. I harbor happiness. I am a harbor. I am the gift.

backpacking through Asia is some sort of right-of-passage to many westerners. I did not find my experience there as such. I didn’t lose my heart in Thailand like many do. nor did I find romance and novelty in roaming the swampy slums much longer than the time I was given. it was interesting, absolutely. enlightening, yes.

if anything, it reiterated the fact that I was born under the north star and thrive in a blizzard. I love cold moonlit nights and my idea of perfect weather is steady temps of 24 degrees with snow in the mountains. I cherish the cold. I love the cold. I love the way it makes me move. heat makes people lazy, lethargic and unhealthy.

I could not fall in love with Thailand, because I’d lost my heart to Montana a long time ago.

regardless. I said good bye to my family at the airport after landing in Bangkok and embarked on a mission with a just a couple items in my tiny pack into the promised land of Thailand. I had ten days to kill with absolutely zero plan and no agenda… and no idea, what so ever, where I was going to spend my ten days. I promised them, that I might aim to meet up at the end of the ten days in Hua Hin. otherwise, I was open to what ever might come my way.

some people think I am insane. some people think I am bad ass. some people think it’s normal. my friends in the US think its completely normal.

Thailand is an easy country to travel through and relatively safe, thanks to it’s Buddhist population that seems almost incapable of physical harm or ill will. Bangkok felt like I was wearing it on my skin. trains felt like I was wearing it on my skin. the air was stagnant, fragrant and hot. I took a train up north and visited the small town of Ayutthaya for a couple days. rented a bicycle and roamed around. returned to bankok, flew to Ko Samui, took a ferry to Ko Tao, found safe haven there on the sandy beaches, under the palm trees. in a quiet cove snorkling with all them pretty colored fishes and looking at corals. eventually made my way back to mainland, up the coast to Hua Hin and enjoyed the last couple days at a 5 star resort. enjoying CLEAN food, poolside cocktails and tuk-tuk drivers who weren’t trying to rip me off. I did, however, get jumped by a monkey and almost eaten by a rabid pack of street dogs.

after a few days in thailand and eating local food, there came a point where everything smelled the same. Ayutthaya was a combination of foul smelling sewer and canals, garbage and slums, mixed with sweaty people and street food. when I finally got ill for a day and spent 8 hours projectile vomiting violently every 20 minutes (to the point I considered checking into a hospital just to get an IV), several days after that I could not distinguish the difference between the smell of a slums, shit, sewer, sweat and the smell of food. everything smelled the same. I became desperate to find nutrition. thai spicy isn’t awesome when you can’t keep water down. I turned to eating fresh fruit and toast. and focused on recovery.

eventually I did and returned to enjoying Thai food tremendously. also, in Hua Hin, the smell of sewer was only in passing and slums weren’t a prominent feature. where the royalty of Thailand vacation…

my impression of Thailand as a destination, it’s travelers and the hordes to tourists that flock there, do so because they don’t know how to enjoy their lives otherwise. if anything, seeing it all made me kind of sad. it made me sad for what is happening to Thailand. and it made me sad to see the debauchery of the westerners. in contrast it kinda made me see what awful people most westerners are. I met some teachers in Ayutthaya, living there permanently from europe and the US. the people I met from the US were from places like New York and LA. they talked all kinds of shit about the US and I found their views to be fairly twisted and of someone who spent their entirely lives in shitty places and never actually explored the US or gave it much chance. I found it curious how they felt there was no place to escape within the US, and rather, lived in exile. in their opinion, Thailand was the shit. one had spent two weeks in Cambodia, got a tattoo in Cambodian and treated me like I was an ignorant tourist cause I was just passing through. they also treated me like a country pumpkin cause I told them I lived in montana, in a small town of 800 people. by choice. new yorker.

it also made me understand even with more staggering clarity how my values belong to someone of a very privileged life. it made me ponder the notion how getting rid of everything I own, buying 5 acres and moving into a trailer made me rich beyond my dreams. living without running water or electricity made me… alive? and it was actually remarkable easy once you stop believing the norm that tells you it’s impossible to build your own house, or to live without water. every person I know has a shower. what do I need my own for?

life is interesting. isn’t it?

some people strive to live in cities. some people want “culture” and refuse to accept that even small town Montana has rich culture. just because it’s your own, doesn’t make it any less so. it made me understand, again, how much I’ve been given. it makes me blessed. I have everything I need in life. and much much more. I live an amazing life.

I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.