spending this week in italy has given me some time to think. I’m glad I have been busy until now and haven’t had to think about it too much, but now I am ending up with enough time sitting on chair lifts and skiing that I have plenty of time to put things into perspective.

until now, I have been trying to find some way out of this. find a path for myself and my thoughts to bring to me to the other side of the pain and see a brighter future. one with hopefully James in it. but I think I’ve finally faced the facts. no matter how I try to bend it, explain it or come up with excuses, nothing changes the fact that he stopped at nothing to break my heart all over again. it took me a solid two years to put myself back together again, to be able to fall in love again, to let someone in my life and to trust someone and let someone close. he knows this, knows where I’ve been and how broken I was.

no matter how I try to think about it, nothing changes the fact that he knew my past, he knew how much it would break me, but he simply didn’t care. or so fucking self centered that I didn’t matter. my heart didn’t matter. after he had made his first drunken mistake, he kept on breaking it and digging the hole by returning to her.

after all this, come wednesday,  I am nothing more than a 34 year old single, bitter and jaded woman. and today a little fat from all the 5 course meals and bottles of wine with my family. I am infinitely sad, which makes me angry, which makes me angrier at him, I have always been able to find so much joy in life, nothing tastes the same anymore. I’ve lost the sweetness I had left and it terrifies me that I can’t find any love in me. I have noting left to give. I’m tired of trying when it always comes down to this.

I wondered the streets of amsterdam aimlessly with a lump in my throat trying to find anything to fill the void. having desserts and prosecco did nothing to easy my mind. I couldn’t indulge. I gaped at the extraordinary buildings, awed at their beauty and felt nothing. I hung out in munich with a jaded smile with a sour after taste, drowning my sorrow in the beautiful castles, churches and plazas. some days I just want to give up on life all together. lately I’ve had a lot of those days. what’s the point anymore when everyone you’ve ever loved and trusted breaks your heart. how many broken hearts can a person take? seriously. how many!??

“when someone breaks your heart punch them in the face. just do it and then go get some ice cream.” amen. I prefer creme brûlée. all I want to do is punch him in the jaw. multiple times. but I know it won’t bring anything back. I know it won’t patch things up. I just have to suck it up.

again.

no matter how unbearable the pain feels at times and how willing I am to do just about anything to make it stop. to make this damn pit in my stomach go away. it’s always there. everyday.