the death of a friend. I am reeling. I keep returning to the text messages and her pictures. her last words to me. her unsuspecting smile and laughter when I stopped by at their house last week. my last minute cancellation of a rafting trip because I wanted to actually stay in town and get some work done. the impact of their deaths have a much more profound effect on me than I could imagine.

how could this have happened? I just talked to her yesterday. what do you mean ‘did you hear about Katrina’? but she just graduated, she just got her new dream boat. but she was supposed to go on the middle fork. but she had things to do. they both did. the mystery machine was going to get on the river tomorrow.

it makes me ponder—with stark certainty—the delicate nature of our lives. the passing state of it all. in an instant, it’s gone. no warning, no struggle, just the end. and with heart breaking agony seeing the rest of the world move on, it always does. like no one cares.

it’s equally grueling to know how they died. it’s insane to know I was either supposed to be in that car, or following them in mine. perhaps something would have been different if I had been with them as planned? I feel like I have cheated death in some crazy round-about way. even though rationally I know this has nothing to do with me. but because of this, I have an irrational apprehension of getting in my car and getting on the interstate. I can’t stop to think how they died. what did Dave think when he was thrown out of the car? was he alive? did they worry about each other? was Katrina alive and conscious when her body flew across two lanes onto the eastbound shoulder? did she know she was dying? I am relieved knowing what ever happened, was swift. they both went to sleep right there and then.

I will stop thinking of all this. but I feel like I have been blessed with life. and I am mourning the loss of two precious lives. so young, so full of light.

Katrina and Dave, see you on the flip side. love the ones you’ve got, live each day. and always wear your seat belt. I’m going to go drinking on the river with my dear friend Porter to take my mind off things. but I’ll be thinking of you all the time because of my damn frame. oh, and I got those clips in the mail for you for the webbing. I’ll stop by later so we can cut that plywood for the seats. I signed up for that whitewater rescue class we talked about.

click. switch. gone. I’m chasing my mind again. I didn’t know what was happening when I rolled out of bed, woken up by a text. gathered the pieces of my boat and headed for the river. a walking disaster, the shittiest show of them all. I put in for bear trap in the afternoon with a thunder clap and sunshine.

when do you stop being scared of what you’re about to run?

virgin run was through the kitchen sink. flowing at 1700 ft. less pushy. high side on the first rock, spin around and drop the falls in reverse. lost an oar, recovered, and made it through the pin hole. what happened? after all that the green wave was none existent.

like tim said, after you do this, you won’t be so scared of many things. baptism by fire. sink or swim.

I’m glowing this afternoon.

there’s something to be said about sleeping with an older man. though I think he might qualify as an older boy. a grown up boy who has furniture and shit. either way, I appreciate his lack of pressure on me, lack of questions when he might see me again. lack of expectation. just appreciating that we saw each other today. spending great 24 hours together knowing it might be the last in 6 months, possibly ever because by then I may have moved onto other things. even thought I have zero plans on committing to anyone in any distant future. but life happens.

he cooked for me, waxed my skis, rubbed my feet, napped with me, made love to me and looked after me for a day. he calls me sunshine, I kinda liked it. it feels incredibly good to have someone who can’t get enough of me. stares at me for hours and wants to touch me all over. someone who is impressed by all that I am, what he sees after a short period of knowing me. someone who wants to pull my hair and have his way with me. someone to be enthralled about the way I come, when I come. I’d say he’s flat out excited about it. someone to admire me, to teach me things, to adore me, to respect me enough to never ask when. but when i am there, to take what he wants. it’s incredibly sexy. this lack of displays of caring, but being way into me all the same. caring, with the respect that I will call and come over when I am ready. I also like the fact that he is honest about missing me and being way into me, he’s not afraid to admit it.

it’s perfect. I am glad he is leaving and I am letting go. he made me feel good, he gave me a reason and a purpose. whenever I am done hanging out with him, I always feel beautiful. I feel incredible. he helps me stand up taller. not necessarily him in particular, but the effects of having someone who is such a badass, to want me so honestly and thoroughly. and to admire my badass-ness. it’s awesome, I feel fantastic.

it’s almost, in a way, like he knows he doesn’t get to keep me, so he’ll never ask. just like he doesn’t want to be kept. but all the same he’s enthralled by the moments he gets to spend with me. he won’t push or pursue, but an eager participant. I see tremendous respect in that. it’s just what I needed right now.

Ted, thank you for elevating my heart. see you on the flip side.

I know I say this all the time, but.. life is so incredible isn’t it?

I don’t know what took me so long, but something in my life here in montana finally turned the corner and I am getting all kinds of invites to do incredible things and my dance card is mostly full. I’m getting back to the way my calendar was always full of adventures with awesome people in oregon. I’ve missed it, but the nest part is that now I have all the time in the world to take off to do any and all trips I get invited on! (hello, middle fork of the salmon!!) it might sound stupid, but I feel like I have been working on my rad skills for a few years now and I finally feel comfortable with my radness level. lol. especially compared to everyone else. I always belittle my abilities and experience.

it’s been awesome skiing this season when I can literally feel how strong my legs are. I surprise myself often. I feel how strong of a skier I’ve become and it actually blows me away. when I was down climbing the top pitch into the icy entrance of the mullet on the last day of skiing at big sky in a whiteout blizzard, I found myself calm and gathered, in complete control. all the while Ted staring up at me from the top of the couloir, waiting, and I was wondering what he must be thinking of me. it says a lot about a person who is willing to stick to the mission in those conditions and still enjoy it. I realize now it’s horrifying to most and I can’t take just about anyone back there. and finally have accepted that not everyone’s skiing/billy-goating abilities are exactly matched here.

I don’t know how to really put it down into words, but I have always knows that my badassness usually is a notch above the general public and even those who venture out into the wilderness. but now I finally believe it. maybe I have been putting myself out there long enough that it seems a lot of people in my life now have the mentality that if they’re doing something awesome: Tiia will go.

lessons learned in cooke city deliver a stout knowledge that bozeman amateur hour gathers there and I shouldn’t meddle with little boys with sleds who don’t know what they’re doing. and that I actually know better. I never appreciate my own guiding abilities but when you’re suddenly tossed into a group without any genuine mountain experience, it makes me realize how good I am at it. idiots. that was hilarious, interesting and retarded. lol.

I am living my best life. I am laying in bed this morning after trying to get my work done before turning off my computer and signing out to spend the next 5 days skiing in the tobacco roots. Bell lake yurt! got my best friends in town!

I laid in someone’s bed last night and I found myself incredibly happy. I couldn’t wipe that stupid smile off my face.

I have been skiing a new line that has rocked my world and changed my life in Bozeman and Big Sky as I know it. I love being single, I love saying yes and anything goes. life turned so delicious, simple and easy all of a sudden. it’s wonderful to ski at a mountain where people are nice and I know a bunch of them. so unlike bridger. it’s nice to learn some new lines and enjoy best kept powder stashes on the mountain. I feel like I have been let in on some big secret. it’s been there all along, how did I not know about it?

I’ve known I’ve needed to just sleep with someone. just to get it over with. so I met someone that I actually really like. I wouldn’t do it with anyone I wasn’t into. he’s older, it’s not complicated. he likes me and that makes me incredibly happy. it’s nice to ski with someone who is truly impressed by my ripping abilities, especially coming from such a badass skier.

it’s just nice to have it be free and simple. all grown up, I feel like. no questions asked, no games. I feel like I changed a little somewhere along there. being cheated on makes you all grown up and shit. it kinda jolts me into action, makes me expel love and appreciation to those around me. makes me love the world and people in it.

I am a woman these days, I suppose. a woman of a certain age. I drink like a fish. I ski like a fiend. I live life like a riot.

what are these writings really, but a collection of heart break stories, let downs, living out loud, adventures, rants, falling in love, falling out of love. life is what they are. they are joy for this amazing wonder I know as life.

I needed to wallow there for a bit. it’s wild to read back about the change that is constant, though I ultimately always remain the same.

I find great joy in my age today. I am optimistic, ecstatic with excitement about what tomorrow will bring. what this summer will bring. I think this is a fantastic time to be single. knowing who I am, what I want, and knowing what makes me awesome. it’s odd how when I am in a relationship I forget some things about myself and I almost, in some strange way, file away my energy. it’s like I shelf my awesomeness and mold to the other person too much. I forget. I give it up.

I am happy to discover though how quickly it all comes back. I feel awesome. I am so excited about my life and so many amazing people in it. I’m excited about traveling and meeting new people. I love seeing the energy I put out coming back to me. I love happy people, I love happy moments and sharing adventures with good friends. I just got back from another awesome weekend in missoula, hanging with my ladies, skiing the bowl and taking a tour in the side country. dragged Kate out for her virgin tour and had a riot!

first night back home has me tossing and turning in my sheets. it’s almost a little too soft and I miss the sand and wind. I miss my companions I became so accustomed to over the course of last week. so many things to remember, stories to tell. it’s 3 am and I am awake, writing this down, but I have something else on my mind tonight.

perhaps I needed to find peace, perhaps I needed those people. that sacred place to move me, to bring me here, to my own sacred place. I spent a few evenings crying myself to sleep and staring at the stars, begging to find answers and to know my way. I prayed. there were many moments last week when I was in the presence of something greater than myself, something that demanded my respect and loved me in return. by the end of one magical week, I find contentment in understanding and seeing clearly. as if the desert eroded my resentment, depression and anxiety into the sand. I stood still and listened to the wind. listened to the deafening silence.

I am not angry anymore. I am not bitter. I don’t resent James for the choices he’s made. instead, I find gratitude because truly, he has given me the gift of life, a new tomorrow. after my return from italy, I arrived at a decision point. within that decision, I found peace. something that allowed me to forget, looking on instead, to the next adventure and giving thanks to the people around me I love dearly. what my life is truly made of. what makes it worth living.

what has been done, is done, and as porter puts it, everything happens for a reason. and as I know, there’s always a bright side in change. I’m always ready for change, it always gets better, eventually if not now than later. but today I am filled with love, appreciation and forgiveness.

keep my mind open, say yes, let life live and let it roll. so many good things come to you when you simply let life work its magic.

and as strange I felt about Dusty’s approaches towards me on the river, I let him slide in a bit because I kinda needed it. that rabble rousing, river riding, foul mouthed, charmer asshole of a cowboy whom I knew was trouble the day I met him at the put in. boy, could he sing and sing to me he did. me with my conscious choices to avoid him all together for most of the week, knowing I’d eventually have to get in his boat, then it’d be a hop and  skip into my pants. just like I really needed that moment at Schiphol airport in the form of a Manchester science teacher to make my day. you have no idea how you elevated my spirits. but I am still glad I escaped unscathed from his hands.

😉

I’ve decided to say yes. twist my arm, why don’t you. skiing powder this morning, heading to bell lake yurt tomorrow, working moonlight for a couple days, then hopping into a car to head for an impromptu cataract canyon rafting trip.

when life offers you chances, never say no.

i believe i deserve better. i believe im worth something better. i believe.

i’ve heard it from enough people now that I think I understand. I’ve felt like garbage lately because of what someone I love has done and said. I want to believe that it’s not too much to ask not be cheated on by my partner. it’s not too much to ask to be treated better, to be treated with respect. as much as I’ve tried to understand how he could do and say such things what I can really figure out is that he has no respect for himself, thus it presents itself as be has no respect for me. I don’t want to be with someone who has so little will and so little self respect.

one of the hardest things in life is to walk away from someone you love. it’s incredibly hard when you’re left with no choice. i’ve come to understand clearly now, that I have way too much self respect to stay in this relationship. because staying is like saying its too bad that I can be treated this way and I allow it to go on. it’s like saying I accept it. I am way too proud of a person to settle for it, to allow myself to be treated this way. I don’t have to put up with it. I dare to believe that someone, someday will make me happy and won’t wreck what we’ve built. I dare to believe that its not too much to ask not be cheated on.

I’m incredibly happy that I have friends and family to turn to to talk about all these things. It’s hard to try to put things into perspective all alone sometimes. I consider myself truly blessed to have such friends.

I have been learning italian. I love it. the more I learn, the more I want to learn and find gaps and a desire to know more. I was thinking of making a biking trip through northern italy and somewhere in europe this summer. Minka and Jarmo might be living there over the summer, so it’d be a great excuse to bum around in italy for a bit this summer.

all the doors still open in the wrong directions, thought I’ve learned by now that if my instinct is to push, always do the opposite. the women still are absolutely gross in the bathroom. as always. I never get over the skiing culture. my skis are about 2 ft taller than everyone else around me. I see folks here and there with dynafits on some itty bitty skis that just look uncomfortable in any snow other than packed groomers.

the mountains are unreal. I don’t think I can ever get tired of staring down into the valleys and the strange couloirs and rock formations. on purpose, I no longer bring the skins with me. I struggle with this decision daily, but I know I made the right decision. for one, the snow is more often marginal than great and second, the italians have a strongly held position that you absolutely cannot throw around a ski that’s even 98 under foot in a couloir or on ice. but my aura’s rock anything and their barely a challenge considering what I ski (and throw around) daily. I like a ski that I have to huck around. most importantly tho, any day I take off to go skiing by myself is a day away from spending it with my family. and now skiing few occasional weeks in italy, I’ve come to realize that honetsly, the snow I get to ski in montana, actually is much better quality than the crap they get in italy most of the time. it’s awesome when it snows, but that’s not always in the books. seeing that I get to choose to ski any damn day I want, there’s no sense in trying to do it in italy. besodes on a pow day, no one skis the side country anyways. more for me.

this time around I finally got to ski the sella ronda, around gruppo sella. not sure how long it is, the quide books suggest 5-6 hours. so I timed myself and sat down at the restaurant with my family at 12:30 for lunch where they were all shocked to see me so early. my total time was 2 hours 32 minutes. I think it could be easily skied under two hours if I hadn’t gotten lost in a network of chairlifts that were confusing as all hell and got on top of an entirely different mountain until I realized my mistake … 4 chairlifts later.

skiing the lifts in italy is a visit to serious gaperville everyday. can’t be helped, gaper gaps every where. no one manages to get on the chair lift. they all go through the gates and then stop in the middle to wait for their friends. and as usual, get a little annoyed when you pass all the doubles to fill the empty space on a quad. skiing there is like a constant expectation that you have be prepared to direct traffic, help someone or guide them through the process. they stuggle carrying their skis, it all looks so difficult. the real challenge comes in dodging bullets on the ski hill. they all just move around like idiots, are completely unpredictable and take the widest berth. I mostly observe all this with mixed emotions of some affection and slight irritation. we’ve all been there, but it sure is annoying to navigate around.

this time around my brought my teles. my thighs hurt. baptism by fire, I got to turn em on a lot of ice and very variable choppy, punchy, grabby snow. but by the end of this week, I feel pretty comfortable on them. thought when I skied sella ronda on the last ski day, I think I did 4 tele turns all together. speed demon. those things go fast.