it’s hard to believe two months have flown by. I’m excited to come home. to my other home. I want to ski, I want to be cold and I want to breathe mountain air. I want to wear my winter boots. the past two months have been wonderful, but I feel like I am ready to relax for a few weeks and enjoy my life. I feel like I have been on full throttle since mid summer. I would like to be bored again. just for a day or two and not being able to decide if I want to go skiing, or just work. or do both. to be spoiled again with freedom.

it sets in. the anxiety that I’m leaving again. the only thing that makes it so good, is knowing where I am going. and within a few weeks, I’ll be with my family again. and I’ll return in the spring! for the first time for mayday in 17 years. and for the first time for my best friends birthday.

my life. my rhythm. my peace.

I’m so buying a Scamp for next summer. vagabond. professional.

I got a day off for a change. so I decided to take care of some business. but when it was all over I felt like I had an excuse to celebrate. once released, walked around aimlessly in downtown Tampere. smiled at the extraordinary buildings, rapids and bridges. stared at the ice cream counter for a while. decided for the bakeries instead. champagne.

it’s not a big deal, but it’s weighed on me for sometime. thanks to the awesome finnish healthcare system, I got a pap-smear today and was sent for additional testing for an ultrasound check over my concern for my boobs. while I was there, getting the ultrasound, they figured might as well do a mammogram just to make sure. and I said fuck yea, go for it! I spent a total of 300, government covered about a 150 and insurance will cover the rest. kick. ass.

I feel like I want to announce to the world that I came out clean. I have been declared healthy. but it’s not something you really post on facebook or tell anyone, other than the close women in your life. I kinda knew it would be clean. but seeing that I don’t fondle many other womens boobs, you can’t really know for sure if yours are just right. but seeing that I’m now a 34 year old without kids, my doctor told me it’s a good time to get checked. also told me I sure have some very tight tissue in my boobs, something my mom also shared with me about hers. now I know for sure. these tight little boobs of mine are tight cause that’s just the way it is. these are mine!

I was driving home the other day, after leaving work late at night and found myself happy and content. I have been busy working and spending time with my family. I see how good it makes me feel. I work my ass off and don’t really do anything else. fall into bed at night to get up in the crack of damn to run in the misty mornings or watching incredibly beautiful sun rises and get back to work. I rarely have days off and I’m always trying to catch up. I feel good. I’ll never get to a running high, but after a lap around the crest of the hill, I feel like I can go on and on. I want to keep running. smiling.

I see where it gets me. I don’t miss anything or anyone. I like being here and when the time comes again, I will be happy to return to the US for a few months. I don’t have time to get depressed. I don’t have time to be sad about what I might not have in my life. I have so many incredible things.

I love finland. I love this country so much, it amazed me frequently. it also baffles me frequently and frustrates me just the same. palm to the face and move on. in finland big brother is always watching. but it’s not the government, it’s the other people. so weird, live a little. I have an amazing family, perhaps I don’t tell them all often enough how much I adore each one of them. how proud of them I am. how proud I am of my mom. that makes me love life, that and the family business drives me here.

I care about our family business. and I see the importance in me being here. I really need to be here. for the sake of our business and to be strategic about where we want to head with it. we have a spot to succeed at this point and there are too many things that I cannot accomplish from being away. the ground work has been laid out and we have room to grow, but we have to work on it now. as much as we try to hire people outside of our family to do these things, the truth is that no one can still do it like me, my sister, or my mom can. and my sister and my mom are stretched thin, so I guess that leaves me. it’s a cliche, but good help is insanely hard to find. I accept that now and I accept my role.

I like staying up late with my mom and my sister, talking about where we’re headed. looking at our sales figures, haggling over radio spots and comparing brands that we might want to take on.

I was reading a blog about something similar to my experience in a long past relationship of unpredictable rage and disrespect. this quote caught my eye as it much describes how I regard relationships today:

“I realize now that when it comes to relationships, ultimate love and fidelity to one’s Self—by both parties—would be a much better foundation. Love doesn’t mean you put someone else before you or sacrifice who you are for them, it means you support each other to grow into the ultimate best versions of yourselves, with respect to individual pace and method. When that doesn’t include each other anymore, may we lovingly go separate ways.”

someday I wish to find someone who can understand my life and my choice and respect them as I wish to respect and support theirs. support me in my choices without quilt or jealousy. I hope to find someone who has their own path and chooses to follow that path regardless of my life’s choices and does so with confidence. relatioships might require daily fine-tuning, but compromise in a relationship doesn’t mean to compromise your path, passions and your life.

in these few weeks, months, I have been looking at my life differently. perhaps, after all, I will never have a child. perhaps, after all, I might end up living alone like so many other great women I know. I am making attempts to accept where I am now and embrace my life as it is.

honestly, the world seems like a cruel place to bring a child into. and really, I think I wish to embrace this amazing world on my own, share it with my friends and family, rather than to give it all up for the sake of some wonderful little person that I would be worried sick for.

I find great comfort and warmth being a family member in the family I already have, rather than hoping to create one of my own. I want to be a better person to those who exists in my life and disregard those who come and go. I no longer look to the future with an idea that I hope meet someone who would become interested in me. I’m sure I will find love in my life again, but I don’t trust my judgement anymore and I am incredibly leery to trust anyone. I simply don’t think I have what it takes for another broken heart. on the inside, I am incredibly frail. it’s a bit sad compared to how strong I have always been. maybe I will be strong again, someday. what I really mean, is that I don’t have what it takes for another person in my life to make me feel like I am not worth loving, fighting for or keeping. I am not strong enough today to endure that again.

it breaks my heart to know I am this fragile. it’s a tough thing to beat. therefore, at this point in my life I choose privacy, quiet life and choose to remain alone. and choose to love the family I have.

and so life is beautiful.

there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I feel great. being surrounded by my family and being involved in the family business makes me feel really good. I realize I haven’t visited Finland in a long time without someone holding me back and someone harassing me with phone calls and someone to tell I miss them all the time. I find myself enjoying it, I am grateful I am free to live my life.

I am busy here. I find myself (again) trying to find ways to compromise my life between here and there. I find myself gravitating towards Finland more, because, whither I like it or not, I am needed here and I have more work than I can accomplish. I need to find a way to come here during spring as well. I think in the future, I am leaning towards april-may and again mid august-mid november. If I give up ski patrolling, I’d have more time to be here.

life is making choices.

something else it taking root. I am finding different ways to go on adventures. while the Finns have become so removed from the wilderness and a simple life style, they still harbor some strange approach to life that is common sense and down to earth. but in ways I don’t think they understand. everyone in finland knows how to make a fire. everyone knows how to pick mushrooms and berries and how to swing an axe to chop wood, how to make bread from scratch. everyone knows how to oar a boat. everyone knows how to cross country ski. well, that might be a stretch. but when someone dies, it’s accepted as a part of life, and we move on with a shrug. thus is life.

last weekend I spent on the island with the immediate family. put on my rubber boots, heated the sauna, chopped wood, collected chanterelles. explored the numerous islands in a rowing boat during calm water. I was amazed again how fast you can go in a row boat, moving across vast bodies of water quickly. something about being out in the open black water makes me nervous, but I seized the opportunity to go far. I loved every minute of it. I loved island hopping and checking out new islands I’d never seen before. that huge island with a few trees and cliffs jutting out, waaay out in the middle of the large body of water, was way too attractive to pass up! I’m actually way more into the row boat now, I think because of what it represents. rather than the canoe, it’s a lot faster solo, it’s also significantly safer to go further, not having to be terrified of the slightest wind storm and being able to make it home. at night I set out a storm-lantern on the island shore before heading out, so I could find my way home again.

in ways, finland is very beautiful and I’ve always put it down. you just have to find it. go looking for it.

finns are funny. I am often frustrated by this culture that is so wrapped up in it’s greatness and pettiness that they can’t see life outside the box. my 12-year old little sister announced the other day she wants live like Tiia; free and in nature. bless her heart. her ambition is admirable and I am truly impressed by her drive to spend every weekend outside. kick ass, girl!

as always I love being home, I have finally recovered from my jet lag. have managed to sleep a few nights all the way through consecutively. the urge to pass out standing and to vomit from tiredness during the day has receded and my shits have started to arrive earlier everyday. ha!

I get to spend lots of quality time with my family. last night us women spent a night together, made tacos and drank champagne. paha porvari. I love spending time with them and I love spending time with my sisters. I truly have a remarkable family. what will I ever do without my mother?

if there’s one place I always take great enjoyment from running is here. at Pispalan Harju. there’s something about these trails, they’re just easy enough, short enough, yet long enough to loop through trails and connect different pathways, ridges and shorelines to my loop. I love running here. watching the sullen faces of the finns. everyone looks like they’re pissed. no one smiles and they’ll never greet you. I often wonder if they’re aware of the look on their faces. my sister and I spoke about this the other day, how come it’s so unnatural to smile and regard someone with pleasant manner. even if you never speak to each other, watch that damn face of yours that you keep twisting into that god awful expression. have you looked in the mirror lately? I regard myself at my ugliest when I don’t smile. perhaps that’s why fins are not regarded as pretty because our/their faces? naama aina norsunvitulla. and the fact that come winter, the finns only know two colors: black and grey. no wonder you’re fucking depressed. how about some yellow, huh? or orange? or spring green? us knows no seasons for it’s color choices.

life’s too short to wear black.

life is good. I love being home. I love being with my family. I love being busy, doing the work I do.

I do adore portland. I really do.

but something has truly caught my eye since I’ve been here. and I am not entirely sure how to put this into words. but I’ll try. it’s amazing how much people care about little meaningless things, like their cup of coffee. how much portlanders feel good about bagging their groceries in paper, riding a bike to work and eating quinoa. everyone feels like they are caring their part to save the planet. I used to be one of them. I never took stock of this before, I never noticed to such degree before, but looking at it as an outsider, it truly seems a bit ridicilous. removing myself from the city that thrives on the frontlines and progressive thinking of climate change and sustainable living, kinda makes me notice how little the rest of the world gives a shit. and how uneffective we really are.

living in montana makes you truly give up a lot of things. things, as it turns out, you really don’t need. it’s nice to eat good food, visit art galleries and buy jewelry, but I can’t help to feel so removed from it. I just don’t care enough anymore and find a large portion of what used to draw me to portland, pointless. I feel like I care about real things. living in a city doesn’t feel real to me, though it surely seems very real to everyone else. I find myself compelled to learning the art of hunting, killing and butchering, because it seems like an important skill to know. I want to buy firearms and learn how to fill/make my own bullets. because it seems like something I should know. I never thought I’d quite say this, but I love living in a western town with a 4 block main street, where the bar jukebox plays mostly country.

this has probably been the most enlightening week I’ve ever spent in Portland. the most productive in a sense. somehow I am really doing stock of my life here and looking at it from this perspective, I am grateful and relieved I made my escape. that I truly saw and understood that there is a different, much easier, and calmer, way. I have a spent a lot of time seeing old friends, catching up with people, and I can’t help to feel like I sound like I am bragging. I don’t meant to, but how else does it sound “yea, I work about 10-20 hours a week as a graphic designer for myself, I ski patrol a bit in the winter and was a river guide this summer.” how else do you explain to people what it is that I do and how it’s possible I can go to Finland for two months. in the world I live in, it’s completely ordinary to leave seasonally. it’s also completely normal to live out of a camper trailer at the ski hill, the boat yard or the grass lands. it’s totally normal, and kinda sweet, to not have furniture as much as having a garage full of boats, bikes and skis.

one friend told me I was too old to live out of an airstream. another told me how brokenhearted she was because her boyfriend wouldn’t grow up and move out of his sailboat and buy a car. she wanted to fix him, and the dude is only 34. does he think he needs to be fixed? whither the answer there is yes or no, does he then want to be fixed? should he be fixed? and, really, why are you so convinced he needs to be fixed, and what are you fixing him from? I get this sense, being in Portland, that a lot of people don’t know and can’t imagine that there is another way to living and when I tell them my story it sounds unreal, like a dream of sorts. I have always regarded portland as such a free thinking, progressive city, and it is, but with in it’s certain confounds. there are limitations to the process.

looking at it from here, I live an amazing life. seriously.

the run in with my ex was kinda amazing and I’ve thought about it a little. I am proud of myself that I let everything go, that I had the courage to not only walk away, but to completely change my life. I have made lots of bad choices, but some of the fundamental choices have been really good ones. seeing the drama he was surrounded by, and feel sorry for the girl who is now in the middle of it, made me feel like I won. I had won a long time ago, but I didn’t see it until now, well, I haven’t thought about it anymore. so much time has passed.

despite my little identity crisis, infused by serious bouts of depression, I have found my way again. I have made a lot of choices about where I am going and haven’t let anything or anyone truly alter my path. I am incredibly grateful that I have stuck it out with my incredibly selfish ways (as I have been told a time or two by ex boyfriends), because who’s fucking life are you living if not your own?

so, order up! every dessert on the menu and a bottle of champagne all to yourself! because you never know when you might not get to again. I took a hike in the oneonta gorge with a dear old friend this week who has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. he was somewhat physically challenged with some spots, he pushed through just fine, we took our time and hung out. it was great to spend time with him, he has always wanted to do the hike (as have I) and finally got to do it with me. he appreciated going with me and not his usual care group. I appreciated going with him. he told me he loves his life. it made me incredibly happy.

portland. a city where coffee shops put real flowers on their tables. where everything is cute and chic. where people don’t know how to merge. where men are not men, but hipster pussies. it’s lush, it’s precious. it’s streets and hip strips are a treat to explore. I’m checking out my favorite hikes. my favorite parks, breweries and restaurants. eating amazing food every day. hanging out with old friends I haven’t seen in years. I’m being a professional tourist in a city I used to know like the back of my hand. city I used to thrive in. portland is still weird, with it’s weird people. it’s odd discover that I don’t relate anymore. I feel like a country pumpkin, I feel like a montana girl. the amount of people, outfits and cute things is overwhelming. so is the traffic.

I realized wednesday morning while laying in my bed in Ennis, doing mental stock of all the things I need to accomplish with flying to finland out of seattle in two weeks with my dog and the totaled 4runner and the insurance claim and all… voi vee! …that I had to pack all my things for two months that day, and head west on a car shopping mission. I left in somewhat hurry. passport,. dog papers. shoes. check. headed for missoula, spent a lovely evening with my ladies. looked at cars and headed to couer d’alene friday morning. car shopping there yielded no results so I kept going. slept in my car outside of hood river, next morning rolled right into car shopping.

and so, I am in love with my new truck. sweet. I am stoked to have a car again I can appreciate. no more shitty teeny-weeny 4runner. I am impressed by my shopping abilities to have, yet again, landed on a really nice car. it’s worth it to put in the work and be picky. and comprehensive insurance pays. I returned the aloha today. this issue of the totaled car has been resolved and now I have a week to roam around portland. in my new tundra.

I truly live in paradise with an amazing life. seeing people here slaving away in debt working for a man, in a job they hate, doing the rat race is sobering in a way. I don’t think most people realize there is another way. when I moved to montana I sometimes worried about boredom, but today I miss home and it’s lack of people and development. it’s funny how we adapt and change. I love my gravel roads, mountain passes, wide open spaces and deer pastures. I love the cowboy culture, mountain culture. I love that everyone waves when I pass them (except when you drive a rental with Hawaii plates. aloha). I love seeing moose and bears on my morning drive to go run the gallatin river. I love that to me, seeing buffalo isn’t much different than seeing cows.

I had a run in with THE ex yesterevening. out of all the places, he caught me at walking man brewery in stevenson, washington. that was actually kinda terrifying and a hostile encounter. it’s insane how much anger he’s held onto over the 4.5 years since the last time I saw him. I can’t quite do stock of what he is angry at me for in the first place. it’s stunning to see his insanity from such distance and the strange conversation I had with him and his ex girlfriend (who appears to be on some kind of Jason-survival-club kick). the whole encounter seemed so fucked up and I am glad I have completely isolated myself from that type of drama, people, resentment and anger. holy hell.

despite of my personal turmoil and occasional drama, I realize today, my life is healthy and good. my life is filled with abundance, joy and (at times, overwhelming amounts of) freedom. my life is rad.                      you’re welcome!

life is good. I have a plain ticket to Finland. for two whole months! iceland air assures me moose is good to go on the plane. I’ll come back for a couple weeks for ski patrol training. then back on the plane, heading to the Bahamas for ten days of sailing with the family in a catamaran. fuck yea.

much like ski patrolling, guiding on the gallatin for Geyser has been one of the coolest things I’ve done in a long time. that river is a challenge, but I surprise myself. it surprises me how well I know ever rapid and watch them change. I know the move at old bridge, I love backing under the chin at screaming left. that one’s a pretty move. I am not sure what happens at whacker when I drop into house rock, but it always works out. I can make it across the boulder garden. I know the thumb, hand of god, the chestnuts, whale tail, the wrap rock at the bottom.

I’m kicking ass. people love me and I really love guiding. it gets better at every run!

dirt roads. back roads. making up my own words. laughing until it hurts. my wildest dream come true. life kisses me every where. tickles me silly. I earned my wings today. people love me as their guide. as it turns out, it’s a riot!

somehow I feel a little wonderful. coming around the corner to another side of greatness. I like being me again.

all forward.