it’s all a constant whirl wind. I returned from Missoula to an empty house and a quiet town. again, feeling slightly lonely for a brief moment. I took a day off to recover from all the partying and skiing. I had another amazing weekend in Missoula, this time with a Missoula-virgin in tow. it was nice to show you around and spend quality time with you!

I make no plans, yet somehow they come to me. I was out skiing wednesday morning with Missy and Linda and ran into a guy from Finland. ended up skiing with him and some other people for two days and shared an evening in a ski mansion on the Moonlight side. he will break hearts one day, such an amazing person. my pleasure. he was the first person from Finland that I have actually shared my skiing culture with. I appreciated his awe over my life’s story. it was cute to be admired. I liked him a lot.

patrolled saturday, stationed at Lone Tree. gosh i love it there. I miss moonlight, miss my posse. had a stellar day skiing around and doing projects. in an area where I know what to do. so refreshing!

sunday morning dawned with a headache from Alisa’s company in big sky the night before. fought myself out of bed, put on my ski pants and hopped in the truck. it’s easy when everything is always there. drove to the N meadow creek trailhead and met up with some new friends. tied myself for a tow from the back of one of their sleds into the Tobacco Roots for some powder skiing in inclement weather.

my sunday church. so rad.

montana is stunning on this sunny monday. life smiles. it never ends.

love, life, liberty and freedom to ski all the powder I want. powder coma. born under the north star. blizzard bound. slave to weather patterns. out everyday. thrive. smile.

I am settling into yet another amazing year of skiing the tram. I had one of the best days ever yesterday skiing with a ripping crew of girls. last chair on andesite and a late night poacher ski into the dinner yurt and a dark ski out. the whole evening complete with an impromptu dance party.

this might be a strange thing to say, but I have to say it, I think I am a cool person. and this might sound utterly stupid to someone who poaches this blog out of the blue. but I am having a conversation with myself here. where I have been, and how shitty I’ve felt about my outlook on life in the past few months, or a year. all my wallowing… I fucking deserve it. finally. I like being a ripping skier. I know I am. I liked putting on my knee pads in the morning and getting ready for a another day of beating myself up on the hill. climbing to my next line. I love feeling my knees get stronger. my ski legs are making a come back. again, I remember that snow is my element. my realm.

pretty happy being single. I feel pure. I feel clean and I feel strong. how is it that’s what has come out of being single? I feel like I’ve got a hold of my life and I feel like I am cleaning it up. nothing is messy. I like that. I remember again that I actually really like being single. something I haven’t really spent much of my life doing. being single. sweet Courtney has told me lately that I am one of the coolest girls she knows. such heart warming words. porter told me over the phone yesterday that he misses me. wonderful friends!

life is a wonder.

something that might surprise many. so many of us dream of freedom and the ability to do what ever you want. I am unattached and I am completely free. I have no boss or anyone who dictates how my days turn out. what I end up doing with my day. I have the freedom to travel almost when and where ever I want. I think many people would readily take my spot and choose that freedom. I have enjoyed this freedom tremendously an imagine I would have a hard time going back to a steady job. I have an amazing life and I really think I know how to live well and make the most of it. I am good at it.

I also have no husband, no family, no mortgage. no boyfrined to give me grief. no one I have to plan in. but still. there’s a song that played over the radio a lot while I was in Finland. so it reminds me of home when I listen to it now. she sings about leaving your shitty life, that when you lose everything, freedom is the only thing you’re left with. every time I hear the song I can’t help but to think how I am not at all sure anymore I want to be so utterly free. how I feel completely opposite from the songs words. I am not sure that all that freedom is all that. not at all sure I want to live completely free with out obligations.

there. I said it.

these days I often find myself thinking how amazing my life is here and how lonely I am with out my family. how at times I almost feel silly that I am here. with out my sisters. with out my mom. I see how everyday at home, I loved my obligations. I loved being part of their routine. their absolutely-crazy-ass-routine. I find myself wishing that there was a way that I could combine all this with my family. I always end up in the same helpless dead end. here’s a problem I cannot resolve.

do other people miss their families this much? how many of those that once left return home? thank god the planes fly.

with the same breath, in the same split second that I feel loss. I am also filled with wonder. this amazing place. these amazing people.

I went on a little tour today. the avalanche conditions are highly reactive to human presence. north summit snowfield ripped to the ground. holy hell. I skinned up a familiar route past history rock, avoiding the slide paths. when I skied, the snow whomping under my skis. low angle pow. these conditions make a tad disgruntled. have been working a lot more lately.

this month marks solid 4 years of rambling on this site. I’m glad I am doing this and that I have been doing this.

might not mean anything to anyone, but it means a lot to me.

here I am again. I forgot how much patrolling takes out of you physically. my body aches.

saturday morning I woke up at 6 to over a foot of fresh snow. grabbed my gear, said good morning to Tim and Courtney and headed for the Jack creek morning commute. I met up in the boot up room with Bowker. after the morning meeting him and I headed out and pretty much just proceeded to ski fresh tracks for the first three hours. we “opened” tippy’s tumble with the morning crowd looking up from ramcharger and swifty before opening. me in my civilian jacket. priceless!

sunday morning I met up with Rock. we went and opened some runs, met up with Heather McPhie and helped her ski some untouched pow for a photo shoot. sucks to be a patroller!

there’s a douchebag in the upper management that’s been a pain in my arse due to all my travel. last weekend was my training make up sessions with big sky patrol. alls I can say is that I am awesome and my “training” kicked ass. douche immediate switched gears to pleasant and helpful due to this weekends roaring reviews from my trainers. what I got, was pretty much two days of skiing hard with two old timers/upper management patrollers. I am exhausted from all the skiing and I don’t think I ski that hard even on normal patrol days.

bowker reported that I was a strong skier. rock’s review of me was glowing as well. Douche made a point of calling me himself and congratulated me on my reviews. and apologized sunday afternoon about giving me such a hard time. I am pleasantly surprised and makes me feel a lot better about being on big sky patrol.

I got my first taste of a small town tonight. after an amazing day of skiing. Orloff heard me laughing four chairs ahead of me on Challenger, asked me if I was having a good day. said it sounded like I was having fun. I was having a blast.

i think I need to accept me as I am. I am beautiful. sometimes it might be hard to see. hard for me to see. I have been an asshole plenty of times, I want to strive to be always better. always be kind to the people that cross my path. make everyone who comes to me, somehow better when they leave.

I think I won tonight. Ted rolled in with another. she smelled bad. and seemed slightly dim witted. Courtney told me if she was walmart, I was Nordstroms. she rolled her eyes and shook her head. I thought ewww. he seemed embarrassed and left her hanging. I win. I no longer play your games.

I move on. I am amazing.

I was trying to beat the storm. in the wee hours of the morning when the temps dipped to -13, I wondered if my truck was going to start. I put up a fight and got a flight out of Billings after all as the temps continued to plummet. drove through probably the most terrifying ice storm I’ve lived through yet. cars spinning off to ditches, trucks jack-knifing behind me. I just wanted to get out of this state.

success. two days later I rolled into the marina in the Bahamas where my entirely family was waiting for my arrival into our a massive 46 ft. catamaran. only a day late after all that. we took off and sailed from one island to the next. I drove that massive shoe box into harbor and moored it a couple of times. I was so proud of myself. we swam in the ocean, snorkled a ton. my mom included, I was always amazed at her enthusiasm to put on her gear and take off swimming. we saw turtles, sharks, sting rays, conch shells and tons of bright colored fish. one huge one.

one afternoon we sought a beach on the atlantic side and found massive waves crashing right onto shore. we all held hands and swam in the ocean, trying to stand up in the massive waves that crashed over head. simple pleasures, it was a blast. I loved sharing the cabin with my little teenage sister and sharing late night talks with her. my little super hero. we collected a few conch shells and spent a few days trying to figure out how to get the bastards to come out of it’s shell. eventually we opted for a boil and got them all out. my hermit crab turned out to be a baby lobster that decided to become a hermit crab instead a lobster. I ordered a cake for my mom from the marina where we got our boat. the word “äiti” lost in translation and what we got instead was “a..iti”. hilarious! I was in charge of breakfast most of the mornings, my sister and dad dinner usually.

I love being a tourist with my family. I love my family. I loved spending time with my sisters. I loved every minute of the stellar company of them all. we have our quirks and grievances toward each other, but what family doesn’t?

after an amazing ten days with my family, eventually we had to say good bye again. I cried, all my sisters cried. we all told each other how much we love each other. I was left for another 24 hrs to spend in marsh harbor before my journey home. I walked around, met so many nice folk of the bahamas. may have something to do with being a blond girl in a summer dress. people are quite “loving”. apparently buying fresh conch chevicé from a street vendor is a natural segway into “so how about I pick you up tonight and show you around and take you dancing?”. totally. the taxi driver proposed to me three times in that short taxi ride. ever where I walked it was princes, baby girl… harmless though it seemed, made me  smile. in my meandering found an upscale beach resort. walked to the pool, kicked off my flip flops and ordered from the bar. spent the entire afternoon laying in the sun, reading a good book and taking dips in the pool. what an amazing place, what a way to spend my last day.

I wasn’t quite ready to give up my bikini, summer dress and flip flops. I loved the humidity and salt in the air. I loved the open ocean, the crystal blue waters, the sea spray. the beating sunshine. more than anything I loved jumping into any pool or shower that crossed your path. then throwing my sundress back on and calling it good.

I laughed again cause I sure know how to spoil myself.

got back into montana. drove back from billings in the middle of the night. crashed a few hours in the madison river valley, made it to ennis around 6am. slept until noon, got up, drove to bozeman for a topper for my truck and to spend quality time with Porter. it did the heart good to see him. I know it did both of us good. we spent a solid 24 hours together. got afternoon drunk, passed out early, went for breakfast in the morning. then to crystal bar around 10. ha! Tom and Tim came over and we went bird hunting in Carlston. it’s good to back in mt. at one point he turned to me and told me he’s glad I’m there. I know while I was gone he’d missed me. called Tim to wonder about me and Tim gave me shit that it’s the only time Porter’s called him. to ask about me. aw, so sweet. I was so glad to be there too. I realized when I headed to bozeman knowing I’d get to spend time with him, I found myself with warmth. and by the way he smiled when he saw me, I know he felt the same way. love that guy! everyone we know keeps asking if we’re hooking up. our friendship feels good.

next morning I skied the First fork into the Elbow room with Ted. I love to scare myself. and I am amazed that he trusts me enough to take me on that line. keep your shit focused on that one. tight coular, no fall zone. and so I had another amazing day of skiing.

my legs hurt from skiing every day. i would be lying if I said I wasn’t more than slightly confused about all the work Ted’s putting into being my friend. is that what we are? we hung out damn near every freaking day. I don’t really understand what he wants. if anything. I’ll let him go through the motions. taking me out to dinners, patching my skis, taking me out skiing. myself, I keep flailing between wanting to kiss him and not being interested. perhaps this will fade in time and I can be his friend without any kind of torment. much like porter has become a dear friend to me. I wanna have sex with him, but really, it’s better if I don’t. so there’s this guy I really like that I am not having sex with. so why am I not having sex with him again?

I’m so confused. with myself. I need to get over this.

I love skiing. I love being back on the mountain. Ted’s a great ski buddy. there’s not a lot of terrain open yet and so I keep skiing the pretzel line off the triple and challenger back down, to do it all over again. moguls, rocks, powder, hard pack. it’s all here. getting my knees and ankles strong again. kicking ass, skiing like a gaper. I like big sky. unlike blozeman’s bridger, everyone is super nice and it’s easy to meet people. I like living on the back side of the mountain. those who know, regard me with awe when they hear I live in Ennis.

I am excited to see my family in the Bahamas in a few days. gosh, I love them and I miss them. looking forward to my awesome family!

beautiful is all around me. I am settling back into a life in montana. getting used to living in Ennis. driving jack creek. balancing all this. skiing new lines. exploring. through intermittent sense of deep loneliness from missing my family and feeling slightly lost without them, it feels good to be home. I live in a postcard.

it feels incredibly good to be alive. I feel clean and pure. cleanest I’ve felt in a long time. I told Ted I wasn’t sleeping with him anymore. now I just gotta stay resolved about my decision because he’s putting out some effort. I like him too much to be his booty call. I like myself too much to be anyones booty call. I like what I’m seeing in me. I like noticing how you beat depression. how you beat indifference. still couple weeks after arriving in finland I would occasionally cry myself to sleep. I was getting better, but I was barely on the other side of the abyss. when I can’t shake it, drowning myself in work helps.

all of a sudden I am dropped back into this world where I’d left a couple months ago. now it’s different routines, the mountain is gearing up for opening day. people have arrived and we had patrol training over the past couple weekends. good to see everyone. good to herd up with the moonlight patrol in the back corner of the auditorium in big sky. I like living in the seasonal world of the resort town. people shift into their winter roles.

few ski tours later. patching with ptex. ted is being a friend. hah! getting ready for opening day. the ski patrol has been slaving away. I’m ready.

I leave. I have a hard time explaining to anyone what drives me back to the mountains. none of them hold a grudge to my absence, but they struggle to understand. someone who has never lived a life like mine, can probably never quite appreciate what drives me. my church. my religion. how could I settle for anything less when I have shown myself what true blessing is like? what is bliss.

I could become a nun for my mountains. for the big skies, for the wide open roads. for dirt between my toes and sweat on my brow. much like moose feels the need to run like hell when I let him off the leash momentarily. I feel the same need. I need to run, to scream, to feel the wind on my face. sadly, I love this place and I feel fulfilled here momentarily, but I need to run like hell from time to time.

I consider myself to be a professional at life. to be able to appreciate the beauty in so many things. on a daily basis, but far too often even I forget to really appreciate the beauty I see all around me. I went for a walk today with my mom and the dogs. the weather was windy, grey, misty and rainy. we walked to the beach in the rain, saw the beating wake among the turned rowboats, up the hill side through the meandering streets of all the old wooden houses. such a beautiful place. such a beautiful person.

I think if I stop moving, I’ll forget to really see what is so amazing about life. this blessing I’ve been given. my curse, my nightmare is to become indifferrent. to forget to love simple things and the amazing beauty of this world. I am always grateful for my gift to be able to see the world through rose colored lenses. sometimes it leads me astray, but it has given me so much in my life. many times in my life, I have said to myself that if I died tomorrow, I would be ok to go, because I feel like I have lived a life so full of amazing things.

thank you.

http://youtu.be/gXDMoiEkyuQ