new opportunities are brewing. I am excited about the potential, I am wasted by dreams of a future I would like to have. I have everything in order, I have been working towards a certain kind of a goal in life and I am thrilled about the potential looming in my future of making some of these dreams come true. there’s lots of work ahead. lots of hours to donate for future. money and career, for an even better life. for an easier future. one that fits kids, house and a husband /!/

I have a nice life. I have a wonderful man in my life. he cooks for me, cleans, watches out for me and takes care of my things, makes sure I get out of bed when I need to. we have been together for little less then a year now. and during that time we have only really fought twice maybe. once for sure. we get annoyed with each other sometimes, but that happens for anyone. even then we don’t really fight. nothing ever escalates unless one of us just decides to pick a fight. and often we don’t decide. we both don’t bother to fight much. it’s just a waste of time and there always seems to be an ocean of understanding between us. like we share an unseen bond, that is not understood by anyone else but us. only we know why and how it’s possible. life is just so easy with us together. I am trying to decide which are the things that are most important for me in a partner. if career is not on the top of the list of requirements, does the simple fact of being able to LIVE with this person matter the most? should it? can I drop importance of a career from the top of my list? what would my mom think?

and it’s snowing outside. I have been skiing all weekend and my thighs are sore. endless powder. faceshots and knee deep fluff. I am breathless, happy and content.

and excited!

my life is delicious. my life is wondrous. my life is heaven on earth and a beautiful thing! I am spoiled by the things I get to do just outside my door. I live in an amazing place.

now, don’t you forget it!

I’ve got 8% battery power left. that means 11 minutes to tell you how I feel.

since I have lived in montana, I have not had a high pressure job that kept me glued to the computer or kept me very busy. it has been about a year and a half since I felt this kind of pressure in my life. but I feel like I can’t really call it pressure, I should call it ‘productivity’. I should call it ‘making a living’. the way the rest of the world does it. and even then, a milder version of it.

after working a long busy day, once again I find myself in a different pace. like the one I used to know. I have slowed down my life to such a bleak meandering pace that kicking it back up to speed is a reality check of sorts. suddenly it has dawned on me what I am really like. I forgot this part of me. I thought I could wash it away.

it hit me today when I called James to say hi after my work day and the amount of time he took to reply to my sentences seemed painfully slow to me. I forgot where I came from. I forgot how driven I can be. I forgot how full of fire I can be.  suddenly I see, plain as day, that the one I love may not be there to stay?

sometimes when I snuggle up to James when we are watching a movie, taking a shower or when we are just standing in the kitchen, I think how wonderful it is to have such a thing in my life. intimacy of another human. I can’t think of many things sweeter than being able to bury my face into his arms, feels his warmth and exhale. I often try to imagine how lonely I felt for the time living in Bozeman when I had no one to hug, to hold or to care for.

sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave him. to be alone again. and I know how terribly I would miss being able to touch him or hold his hand anytime I want. I think of all those who are single for years and don’t get to feel loved in that way. and I often think of myself, being single. sometimes the loneliness and desire just to be touched and held was overwhelming. and sad. it makes me understand how much all of us, as human beings, live to be close to one another. we all need human touch and we all need to feel like we belong. we all need a community, friends, a family and loved ones.

the stuff of life.

I sometimes think I am blessed to be a person who finds love in many places. and to be a person who is loved, in general, by many. love comes easier for me than it comes to many people I know. and I would wish this kind of bliss of being close to a human, being intimate, to anyone and everyone.

to have loved and to be loved so, is truly a wondrous thing!

I don’t write as often as I would like. frankly I have been very busy lately, and not with just having fun, actually just working and trying to squeeze in a ski when ever I can. not to worry, I still ski a minimum of 3 days a week.

I got tired of being poor. I got tired of worrying about wither I was going to have a job in a few months in montana, so I took up another one and created myself some level of job security. so I feel like I can relax again. and frankly, I like being busy, it’s actually what makes me move and get out and do stuff. if I have all day to kill, I might make it to the mountain by 11. if I’m busy, I will make it to the mountain for first chair and I will ski any minute I have free.

I can’t express enough how blissfully happy I am about having good jobs, having a career of sorts, and being in charge of my own hours. yeah, I have someone to report to and someone to make a schedule with, but I make that schedule. not my bosses. I feel blessed to have the flexibility to schedule myself a day off when I need one.

the blessed life I lead. things such as vacation time and scheduled hours, or calling in sick are just strange ideas for me. I know that’s how the rest of the world works, but I have taken my life somewhere where I can tailor it to suit my needs. it would have been cool if I could have done that in portland, maybe I would have not been so anxious to leave.

I must admit, portland still feels like home. well, it’s not portland that does, it’s the entire pacific northwest that I continue missing so relentlessly. I miss the volcanoes, I miss Bend, I miss the San Juan islands, I miss mt Baker, I miss the obsidian fields, I miss skiing off the summit of middle sister in the spring, I miss a certain porch swing in washougal, I miss the garden behind my old house, I miss the swingsets in the park,  just outside my door, I miss the dustiness of smith rocks, I miss the clarity of Waldo Lake, I miss the falls of the Columbia Gorge, I miss the muddy trail runs up to Angel’s rest, I miss the rain, I miss the bike rides through the water front, I miss last Thrusdays!! I miss meeting my friends for beers, I miss standing in line for sunday breakfast and mimosas, I miss the Hedgehouse, I miss the streets of SE portland, I miss the trees, I miss the forests, I miss Timothy Lake, I miss Deschutes river in the summer! I miss Indian Heaven, I miss McNeil point, I miss mt shasta, I miss Jefferson Park, I miss mt adams!  I miss the ability to go and do my own thing in the mountains without having to be so scared of avalanches or animals that might eat me.

oh well. despite all that, life is pretty sweet and beautiful here! just kinda lonely.

James and I visited Tennessee.

I have patience. in fact, I have amused curiosity.

we spent a weekend in Gatlinburg, mesmerized by the theme town on steroids. hung out with his whole family at a cabin in the smoky mountains.

went to an upside house, got scared (make that horrified) on a rope course. poked and played. irish car bombs. drove down to see a hillbilly friend with their 5 kids and 8 cars parked along the property. there may have been more. nice people. visited Chattanooga, saw sea dragons. drove to Atlanta, hung out w/ mom, saw southern architecture, and the cool old house called The Wren’s Nest.

drove back up to knoxville, drank margaritas with the 90 some year old grandma. onward to Kentucky ice storm. hillbillies, horses, kentucky straight bourbon, moonshiners.

and then. Nashville. we got a king size corner room in the heart of town, with a view of downtown and Printer’s Allie Boogie Bar. wow. live music everywhere. boot shops in between.

the great thing about James and I together seems to be, is that we don’t get too bored easily. I have so much fun traveling with him and like two kids, we run around and poke at what comes along. with curiosity, we read every plaq, try, test and taste everything. child’s play.

by the way, the pace is slow(er) in the south, but Montana definitely has it beat!

kicking and screaming he packed his things, moved them across town. went and stared at his new ceiling, bored without me.

freedom. liberty. exhale.

my love is infinite, still melting at a touch. if we ever won the lottery, we would simply crawl up somewhere together and spend a lifetime in contentment. as much as we love each other, I needed him to leave. just for the sake of my work and an income. if this keeps up, I’ll never get any work done. it has gone on long enough and I gently asked him to actually go live in that place of his that he has rented. blue eyes and a pout.I am addicted and I have no will power as long as he’s in the room.

the effects are immediate. freedom. liberty to walk down the street if I felt like it. freedom to do what ever the hell I want, when ever the hell I want. this is how I want my relationship to be. I want to love and be free.

they all resemble one another in some ways. I always wonder why that is. the older I get, obvious patterns emerge. when I came out of a store in Tennessee, knowing someone significant was in the car waiting for me, for a split second I pictured it might be Zeb. huh?!? there have been moments when he has reminded me of Mike. the way I assess my relationships has changed. I no longer force a decision. I don’t seek for outcomes that have not arrived yet. everything in due time.

another archival project:

What Love Is

When you look up love in the English Dictionary, this is what you’ll find:

Main Entry: ¹love
Pronunciation: 'l&v
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> b (1) : a beloved person : darling — often used as a term of endearment (2) British — used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 : capitalized, Christian Science : god

The word love can mean many different things to each of us. The usage of it in English language and culture is quite liberal compared to some other languages. It can be applied to almost anything that someone adores or likes. Love can be tossed around freely at end of phone conversations or exclaiming how much we just love that song or the new pants someone just bought. It can be shared with friends lightly, while the same word can be used to express intimate emotions with a lover. The word can be used lightly by one and taken seriously by another. People in my home country, Finland, regard love differently.  The Finns approach love with reservation as a result of their culture and the language they live by.

My mother still lives in Finland and I cannot remember the last time I told her that I love her. I think about how much I love her, and I’m sure she does as well. Once in a while she tells me she misses me and I tell her the same. Love itself is brought up on a rare occasion. The word for love in Finnish is rakkaus, which is not a very smooth or easy word to pronounce. It is a word that only comes out every once in a while and even then after thought and consideration. My people are not known for outspokenness about their caring for one another. Most of this type of communication generally takes place through actions rather than words. Some individuals may even become uncomfortable or distressed when you tell them you love them. Sometimes it seems they are not prepared to hear the weight of these words or hear them rarely, so they do not know how to handle them. Particularly the men in Finland have been known to be stubborn and stern. They are hardworking and rugged men who sometimes find expressing emotions an unmanly thing to do. All the male figures in my life have been reserved heads of the households who did not spend much time telling their families verbally that they loved them. This was always shown thought traditional waves of care taking and providing. They also often operate from the standpoint that if they heard it once, the statement remains true until otherwise notified. The word Rakkaus to a degree can almost be considered a life long agreement.

The word love has a different story. On its own it is a friendly sounding word that slides out of your mouth and phonically connects with the good feeling that is generally associated with the word. The word is easier to say. It is smooth and pleasant to use. I believe the ease of the word contributes to the ease of the expression of love, delight and admiration that Americans freely distribute onto other people, events and objects.

I believe there is a clear connection in both cultures between the word that represents love to the way people use the word and how people act emotionally. I believe the word binds the culture into behavioral patterns, just like the culture controls the phonic elements of their language. As described by the English Dictionary, the roots of the word love come to us from Latin. LubEre or LibEre mean to please. The word has traveled trough Europe and it is hard to pinpoint the exact origin, but the modern word love is a combination of the Old High German word luba, love, and the Old English lEof, dear and lufu, love. Finnish and English have different language roots. Finnish if related to the Finno-Ugric language family, which has slight relation to Slavic languages. This is a clear heritage difference to English; which is rooted from Germanic languages.  It is clear how the origin of the languages that we grow up with and live with can shape our outlook on life. The languages dictate who we are as people and cultures.

I moved to the United States when I was eighteen, so I have been raised in these two different cultures. I spent my childhood and teens in Finland where the heritage of my people was permanently engrained in me. Then growing into adulthood in America I now view myself as a mixture of the two cultures. I realize I have created a perfect combination of the two that works for me. I have weighed changes and on some matters decided to keep what I’d learned in the past, while other times to reject and learn something new. Love is a combination of the two. I have always enjoyed the ease of expressing oneself in this culture. It seems that generally you are freer to do so, and at times the self expression is welcomed and encouraged.  However, I do not tend to label things love very quickly. To me there are many different levels of like, love, attachment, adoration and admiration. Love takes time.

Nonetheless, I am liberated by love in America. The fact that I get to use this word in my daily vocabulary is a wonderful experience. Love comes easy and I am not intimidated by the connotation of the word in this culture. I am free to share the love, spread it around and love to my hearts content. Love does not cost a thing, so we should get out there and live to love.

it’s funny how life moves in cycles. people leave your life, others come. some stay for good. in the mean time, while I was horribly anxious for having James return, I suddenly find myself perfectly content and happy with him. for a few I was almost resentful to the fact that he was coming back to interfere with my life.

there is still a certain amount of sacrifice and compromise I know I am not willing to give. and I feel bad about the way it is reflected upon James, but at the same time, I am sorry, but I have to keep what I fought so hard to get. I have to keep me. I have to be allowed to be me, to keep me, to do things when I want and how I want. it’s selfish, I know. and I absolutely refuse, without a doubt, even for a split second, to ever again made to feel utterly rotten over what I choose. this is MY life! I am done with letting others blame me, letting someone make me feel guilty about who I am, or what I choose. I despise being made to feel bad through someone else’s eyes. I resent it to the core. I know that this obviously does not lend itself to a balanced relationship. and by all means, I don’t want the upper hand in a relationship either. not at all.

but I realize that in order for me to even let myself enjoy a relationship and allow to be loved by him, I also have to continue to do my selfish thing. to take the time to love myself and to love my life, without it, I am not one to be loved. I can only hope that James and I have the strength to work this out between us, so that we can find the happy medium to comfortably live in so that we are both happy.

as silly as it sounds, I still need to ‘take things slow’ ..yes, I still find myself resenting the idea of a relationship. on some days. other days I couldn’t be happier that he loves me and chooses to be by my side. it’s an amazing feeling to be loved by someone the way he loves me. I need to learn a new set of rules for a relationship. we both need to learn these simply to maintain a happy relationship. I do not want to do this at the expense of his happiness, but hope that we may find common ground, the kind that still allows me to feel free. and allows him to feel free.