friday morning brought a foot of fresh. Ben and I hit up the ridge and skied a white out into untouched alpine with the crowd. work for the afternoon. friday night came brew fest, we walked there from my house. holding hands. hung with rainer and chad and lots of other folks.

saturday I hit up slushman’s and the boundary chute. skied out. went to the mall. bought new jeans, shirt and skirt and a bed for moose.

sunday morning 5 of us loaded into the bronco and hit up moonlight. soft tree runs! Jurate is leaving. gone for the summer. we got home and since it was still so light out (and dry), I tied up moose to my waist and we took our first bike ride together. he is such a good and smart dog.

monday morning I woke up to James cooking breakfast. I got out of bed in no hurry, got my cup of coffee and rode to work with moose. I’m sitting in my office with a view of the bridgers outside my window. sunshine all around. blue skies and a wonderful life. the best I have ever known.

when Kenny came to visit here for a few days over last weekend, I was somewhat brought back to thinking and remembering how I had felt when I left Portland and how much I know that I was running then. million miles an hour. I was chased and I know that everything in my life at that time was based on that simple fact alone.

back then, no one stood a chance. I would not even slow down to give myself a chance. I was horrified to stop moving and that fear lasted for a long time. while I will always be bitter for Jason’s relentless hate though the beak up and prior, I also have begun to really understand how many things in my life are a result of those things. I think ultimately I was always going to have a good life and I am just one of those people who always has options and get’s a lot out of life, but I really think that majority of the decisions I have made to get me to where I am now, were shaped by the need to run. the need to forget and change everything. put as much space and distance between me and those memories.

when I think back on our relationship now, while he was quite the charmer and we had a lot of fun, the strongest memories I have from that time, are those of frustration and trying, trying to somehow get past his anger. the ending of that relationship was damaging and horrifying enough that those are the only memories I ever really recall. the person whom I spent time with laughing, exploring and loving life with, was someone entirely different, in some faint distant memory, more like a dream I once had.

James and I woke up early this morning to catch the remaining best of yesterday’s dump. slushmans had not been open yesterday… the mountain was nice and peaceful, completely void of the powder frenzy. we skied some fantastic fresh powder lines. the snow had stayed smoky. hiked the boundaries and dropped into random chutes I don’t know the names of. I got to scare the crap out of myself by cliffing myself out first thing in the morning.

we came back around noon, took shower and I walked to work with moose. man, my life is just so freaking great!

sunday we took off for a skin, an exploratory mission. it was overcast weather. there was going to be no new snow, no sunshine either. we skinned crunch and all the way up I wondered how painful the way down might be.

we reached the summit and the ridge in about four hours. slow, seeing that our passion was not driven by the thought of soft, smooth, fluffy powder turns.

we had scoped a north facing slope about 400 yards to our left and determined to ski it, we pushed on along the ridge until we found it. we dropped into the mist and after Ben disappeared I could hear him hooting somewhere a few, fifty yards below. I dropped into the trees and came out on a large meadow. I could hear Ben, but saw nothing. I glided along through amazing smooth powder turns to reach the bottom of the meadow. the snow was soft and quiet.

the amazing soft snow continued all the way to the bottom of the hill, all 1600 feet of it in the trees. mmmm. I was so happy to be out, wishing we had left earlier so we could do another lap! we were all taken back by the unexpected powder turns and were amazed by the ski hill we had just found.

Moose sticks to me like glue when we are skiing down. he whines a little too, but he keeps up just fine and is starting to learn to stay back from the skis when I am moving.

I worked late, took the dog for a hike up up the M, answered a million emails and phone calls. the world is still after me. Jurate came over, we went to see Railroad Earth. I must admit, I really like and enjoy blue grass, but it just does not resonate with me.

James came over the next morning right before I was leaving for work. I laid down with him for a few minutes. there’s no better place than being in his arms. I love that guy very much.

the temperatures dropped, the clouds gathered and the skies broke open. we were blessed with a storm that delivered a foot of fresh snow to the mountain this morning. and suddenly I am so siiiiick today! short announcement of ‘coming in at 1pm’ and pack the car, load up the dog, grab your coffee and head for the hill.

this is my favorite skiing time of the year. most of the folks have stopped skiing already. the resort is vacant except for the die hards, but those don’t add up to that much of a crowd. the spring storms will keep coming, this is just the beginning. we have the life, liberty and freedom to ski it.

the spring riot!

dear diary.

I am moving on. and it feels fantastic. on Friday I removed Black Lab’s emails from my email account and I am relieved by the freedom of not having to deal with any of Paul’s junk anymore. I am not saying that in a negative way, like there was anything really wrong with him or his junk. I am saying it in a way that I am relieved to be moving on and focusing on things that will actually make me money and allow me to develop and continue living my own dreams.

on another note. it is spring. spring has sprung, that time has begun. to me, the skiing season is just well under way. I live in a place now where I feel like I am not at a constant frenzy to get the pow. I ski a lot, but probably not enough. I look forward to spring, look forward to the lifts shutting down and being able to ski in 80 degree weather. spring and summer skiing by far is my favorite. intense raccoon face with an awful tank top tan, here we go!

Saturday I felt lazy and didn’t even get to the hill until 11. Ben and I kicked it up to Saddle Peak right off the bat. as I was hiking up, I was chuckling to myself at the thought that this really is my lazy saturday, I would go backcountry if Moose wasn’t still recovering from his injury. damn dog! I am not nearly as gun-ho as I was couple years ago, but I still get out a fair amount. and it’s always just about as exciting. James, Ben and I spent sunday skinning around in Bradley’s. we had a fantastic powder filled day in the sunshine and kept scoping out more lines in the bridgers. I loved being out there with James, relaxing in the sunshine.

there’s something about this time of the year, that while it makes me run out and try to scope out every peak to ski, it’s also my relaxed time. gone are the blizzards and survival modes in the mountains, and here are sunny moments, muddy boots, skiing in skirts and not being in a hurry. no one is stealing your powder and you have the whole loooong day to ski it!

all the doors open in the wrong directions. I always find myself pulling when I should be pushing. I can never get it right.

the way Italian women behave in public bathrooms speaks loudly of the country’s cleanliness and more than anything, of their consideration of other beings. I believe italians are incredibly selfish and I have always placed them in the same class with the french. Italian women, much like the french, are simply filthy. you can never expect to go to the bathroom without there being piss on the seat, walls and everywhere around. and be utterly disgusted the whole time while mopping up someone else’s pee.

in similar context of selfishness, the Italians really frown upon the idea of sharing a chair lift with a stranger. and should just a thing occur they will not smile back, reply to your hello and/or will act like you are not there. in fact, some even get angry and a verbal commotion ensues, that, of course, you seated in the chair do not understand. but you understand enough to know that they are talking about you and they are not pleased. all the same they get upset if you pass them on the lift line and might take their anger out on your skis, poles or just elbow you. while majority of the chairs go up with plenty of room on them. such a strange habit.

dude. moon boots. they’re like made for me.

the italian skiing culture is strange as well. for me at least. a country that developed scarps, asolo and many, many other products I now rely on has a touring culture that I realize I could probably not relate to. first of all there’s the spandex, it’s the uniform of choice. kinda like those road bikers you see in montana, they are a breed of their own.  too much spandex, too much clear headed direction, a bit too athletic for my taste, like maybe too serious in a way. and then the insanely teeny skinny skis. I see how going up in those is awesome, but what about the ski down? surely the toothpicks manage in choppy conditions, but I must admit, I love my phatties. and by american standards, my skis are not big at all. in italia there are teeny boots, no support, missing are the baggy clothes, the pot smoking and the beer in hand. I like the culture I live in. I look like every skier in montana, but in Italy, I look different. I am the only one with these big, wide skis of mine. standing next to carving culture.

also, when they stand in line for something, they seem to feel the need to be right up close to you, so that there’s not an inch of room and you have someone breathing down your neck. thought I must say, in similar fashion, americans are so polite that in denver airport, a whole crowd decided not to enter the train as it seemed ‘full’. full my ass, everyone move to the back of the bus! I was in a hurry so I swept in and pushed about 3 people in as I went. everyone seemed startled by it. I don’t blame them, but come on, just get in. you really were gonna stand there and wait for the next train cause you could’t ask people to make room. don’t be shy. stand up stella!

nothing in germany comes out of a tap except beer. If you order water, it is always delivered luke warm in a glass bottle that contains only a small portion of water. a glass full. if you order a coke in a restaurant, it comes in a can, luke warm, with a glass, without ice. germans don’t really do ice. nor does italy. or most of europe for that matter.

I love germany’s idea of fast food. for $3.50 you can get a grilled panini goodness at the train station and chase it with a beer. no matter what time of day. and you can drink beer where ever you want. just a leery concept to someone who has never lived under such freedom to choose.

I think the general mass is dumb. I get incredibly annoyed at the general stupidity of the gapers and their inability to move, make choice or get out of your way while they figure it out. why is it that I don’t feel like I have such a hard time with it? or am I really just as bad as they are? I know one german lady got annoyed with me as a I took a second to decide between chicken or pork, but really. I read the signs, ask for directions and enter only when I know where I am going. If you are instructed to exit the building through a stair case, with arrows directing you the whole way, why then stop suddenly in a moment of doubt? and while doing so, hold back a herd of tourists so that someone needs to yell ‘keep moving’? or that when you keep shoving the ticket into the machine, it keeps telling you no enter, and even gives you a time WHEN you may enter, why then stand there and stare at the machine, again holding back a mountain of people? what about the sign right next to the machine that explains the process in 4 languages?

why does the wait staff in europe hold out on giving you your bill until your glass is empty and table is cleared? maybe a german would be offended if they felt rushed. america seems to be the other way around. however, I must admit, having the waitress bring your bill when you just got your meal feels a bit pushy, don’t you think? but I like the american attitude that you ask if they would like another BEFORE the last one is done. first of all, business make more money and the waitress tips, people drink more and you leave drunker than you may have intended. everybody wins? also, in europe, if you pay with a credit card, the wait staff will stand there and wait until you sign it. which leaves you with an awkward moment to decide if you will tip them or not, or how much while they watch. \

when I finally said good byes to my family I went back to the hotel room to ignore what had happened and enjoyed a long shower again with the dual shower heads. I packed my things a few hours later and when I emerged at the terminal ready to board the train for the remaining portion of my trip, I was taken by a senseless emptiness. I stood in the big court yard where I had hugged my family hellos just a week ago and couldn’t help the streaming tears and sorrow that poured. I didn’t care if I was stared at. I just wanted to let it out. I couldn’t stop it. I sat down and cried. I was going to wallow and it was okay. in fact, it almost made me feel better. this senseless void of leaving your family behind always tears my heart out. I could not stop crying for the remainder of the day. with intermittent moments of clarity, I dragged my bags into a downtown hostel, checked in and went to meander through the beautiful cobble stone streets of old town, stared at statues, palaces and ended up in a large park in the heart of munich. stopped to read bits of history, sat down to drink gluhwein, read my latest finnish book and listened to a german folk orchestra play from the top of the chinese tower. there was the sense of comfort I needed, something with a little warmth to comfort my sadness and emptiness. and I cried for comfort. it’s hard not to feel empty. after spending another week in their light, it’s hard not to want to be part of the family where I belong. too sad the continent is not the one where I belong. senseless void. senseless sadness that could fill mountains.

In the fear of having too much time to think, on my last day I opted to take the 2 hour train ride to see the Neuschwanstein. I could not spend another day meandering meaninglessly through the city that made me miss my family even more. I had a fantastic and a very busy day exploring two castles, eating and tasting for James’ birthday in the small bavarian village. Weissebeer und Wiener Schnitzel. Bitte.

Set in base of the Austrian Alps, where the border meets and the land begins to rise, the contrast of the flat is stunning to the majestic mountains. set in the heart of these, a gateway of sorts, are two castles that are lavish and rich with romantic ideals of past kings. fairy tales and fantasies. Ludwig II. Danke schön.

I was laying in bed this morning in the whee hours as the dawn was starting to light the sky. with moose on the floor sleeping right next to me. I turned to look at James who was sleeping by my side, he reached over and kissed me half asleep. for a moment I had this sense like something wasn’t enough, like I was supposed to, or that I had some obligation to ask more out of life or to go do something. and then I relaxed and exhaled to the thought that I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything. life is perfect. right here, with my little family. I can get out of bed slowly, take shower with my boyfriend, take the dog for a little walk, make a cup of coffee and play with him in the morning and watch him make his first solid poop since he’s been home. yey for poop!

I am about to break up with paul. the time has come. it’s time to move on. I am sad to say, I have enjoyed working for him and I really appreciate him making my arrival in Montana possible. allowing me to live my retired life for a while and relax after living such a hectic life during and after school. I had been in need of a break and it was heaven sent. unfortunately however, I have recognized a need in me again, a need to do something more meaningful again. something that will reward me personally, so I have to move on. it’s no longer a choice, it just needs to happen! at some point I felt a little worried about having a job in montana, but only in the past couple months I have remembered again that I am an asset to anyone and I have jobs to choose from. therefore, I am moving on to work on things that I believe will better benefit my future.

thanks.

I entered the pound and was greeted by a cacophony of howling, barking and crying. everyone just wants out. everyone just wants to be loved. each and everyone of them, that’s all they would die for. there were several puppies, each more adorable than the last or the next. I spent a whole afternoon there. when I drove down to see this one dog, I couldn’t ignore the fact that even he she wasn’t going to be it, someone would be. I knew that whom ever I did not come home with, would not make it another day.

I walked several dogs and the least likely candidate at first, looked up at me and picked me out of the crowd. he was calm, scared and pleaded at me with a look that seemed to say, I am better than this place, take me away from here! and get me away from this stupid angry brother of mine.

so he came home with me. first so scared and worried I was going to leave him again, he quickly started to come out of his shell and play happily with anything I handed him. in the first couple of days he’s already learned to sit and go potty when I tell him to.

it’s a staggering feeling to have someone regard you as their mom. even with James around, Moose doesn’t want me out of his sight. he’s adopted me as his mom. I have forgotten how great it is to have the companionship of a dog. I have also very quickly turned into mom, that I hear everything he is doing in the back of my awareness. I discipline him, I feed him, I worry about him being sick, or if he’s poop isn’t perfect. I still worry terribly that he may have gotten something from the pound as he was so young when he got there and has been there for a whole month.

I really hope he makes it. in the short time we’ve been together I have learned him to be very obedient, calm, and very quick to learn new things.

bless his heart, keep my fingers crossed!