right. right. turn off the lights. there’s a smell in the air. that cold sigh is coming in from the north. the mountains breathe away your warmth, the lakes fall silent, everything sits still for silence and waits. like breathing quietly anticipating the storm. we know it’s coming..

mow your lawn, rake your leaves, run for the thunder, hide from the hail. raise your glass!

good luck with your tomato plants, I’m counting days.

life goes on in this little town under the vast big sky. we reel into one day from another. summer is ticking along amidst tubing adventure, mountain bike rides, road rides, rafting trips, week-night social hours… in essence, life in montana has settled back into it’s gears and the last of the summer seems to be flying by. it’s hard to imagine that schools are getting back into session next week! we barely just got started..

my cousin came to visit this weekend. while I appreciate him taking an interest in coming to visit in montana, I was still slightly baffled as to why he was coming here. as it was, due to our age difference, I left finland for good when he was only 11, so I barely know him.

when he arrived I was quite torn between feeling the need to take him out and entertain him to what is he interested in doing and not having a great desire to spend money from my currently strained bank account. so the options are: be an asshole and not take him anywhere, or be an asshole and go do the stuff I would do and leave him home, or just take him around downtown bozeman, or just ignore that he is visiting all together and go about my business as I would if he wasn’t here at all. or, try to show him what montana is like in a few days. so, of course I felt obligated to take some kind of care of my quest.

SO; I cleaned the house entirely since he is allergic, i bought groceries, cooked for him and fed him for while he was here. drove him 250 miles, toured the yellowstone park, took him camping, bought gas, cooked, made sure he was comfortable at all times, took him rafting, tipped the rafting guides, bought him beer, bought him lunch, smoked him out, took him tubing, bought more gas and delivered him back to the airport. as a thanks, he bought a 12 pack of beer after I pressured him to do so.

so, what should I have done? I know he hadn’t asked to be taken all over the place, but what the hell was I supposed to do with him? all the things I would have gone to do, had he NOT been here, would not in anyway involve him. he does not have the gear, experience or even any desire to do so. so was I supposed to just leave him home and take off? so what the hell? what is this bullshit expectation than to just to show up, eat, drink, party and not offer to pitch in even a little? i didn’t ask for him to come here. in fact I had to donate one of my weekends, pay money to do so and accommodate him, since he butted himself here. what makes it even more awesome is the fact that it seemed he would prefer sleeping and was quite disinterested in anything we were trying to show him. at least try to be polite for fucks sake!!

there. I ranted.

it’s been a while since I wrote. I feel like I have been on a constant train of driving lots of miles, living life. having adventures, seeing friends and loving every moment of it. our last trip included 5 nights, six days ad 93 amazing miles on the Grand Ronde river. fantastic experience shared with great friends, like anything, has left me somewhat sad, lonely and missing my friends.

I have come to slightly wonder why I live out this far from everything. especially since it seems damn near impossible to make friends in this town for people like James and I. neither of us are that pursuant or out going when it come to making new friends. so it seems we lag behind on building serious friendships. though I have started to also have this slight notion that most people in this town would actually love to have more friends, but somehow have a hard time with the same things I do, picking up the phone and making plans to do something.

yesterday James and I went a floated down the madison river. just the two of us. I said maybe someday we will have friends in Bozeman, and he replied: “I just don’t know”. lately I have wondered the same, all this time hoping that someday it will pick up speed and I will make great friends. two years in the making, I only have a couple people I could even call to hang out. very slim indeed. it might be nice to have friends over at our new place and have a barbecue, but I often wonder; with whom?

in reality though, I don’t have any real qualms about living here, but it is starting to be true that I travel a lot away from here, towards missoula, where I have more friends than I do here.

when we were finishing the last miles to home, already on this side of the continental divide, I found myself thinking that we sure do live an awful far away from everything… it’s just that every trip I seem to take, other than the Tetons, I feel like I am always driving an extra 200 miles to get home.

the irony of it all, is that I am writing about the same things I did two years ago, that I drive too far. all the time, I think it’s in my bones, I cannot sit still. but at least now my true desires to live in far away places, in wide-open spaces with mountains, has been satisfied. I live in a place where I can ski and enjoy the outdoors everyday, I do love this town and maybe someday I can have the same level of social stimulation I had in Portland. which really, I don’t think I am asking all that much. frankly, it’s just tiresome to put in the effort. tired f calling people day after day and having them never really call you back or make plans with you. fine. I’ll stop calling.

but the reality of it all, as independent as I have been my whole life, what makes me truly happy is to have friends and family close. the path to true joy with each exciting adventure, is always tied to being shared with your companion. it’s always hard to locate yourself, virtually alone, on the other side of the planet, if not just on the other side of mountain ranges. why is it that some of the best friends in my life, were made in a split second, or over a weekend, but after two years in bozeman, I have barely enough friends to speak of, and not many that I feel like I really connect with like those whom I have left behind. the transience of the town does play into it, as it seems many of those I have met have come and gone in that short amount of time.

how is it possible that a handful of odd ducks have a way of making you feel like you belong in the family in a very short amount of time? I think if you go once, you become a lifer. I have every intention of being back to scrub floors and scrape paint next year.

it has been a while since I had shared such sincere camaraderie from a group of strangers. I came back inspired, delighted and left with strong impressions from a few folks who habit the place.

thank you for elevating my heart.

James and I returned home from a fantastic two week long tour through the pacific northwest. I got home to unpack the car, take a shower, do laundry and send a few emails.

after spending this time hanging out with good friends, I find myself wondering why I live all the way out here again. or more specifically, how come I have not met any folks like those I really love and enjoy spending time with like I have in Oregon. granted I spent 8 years making those friends and there have been MANY along the way I have let go and left behind. I suppose it takes years to find those few key folks that you just love spending time with.

I feel like so many of the folks I have met in montana, lack the qualities of the laid back people I know in Oregon. it seems I know quite a few folks here, I should not say I have no friends, but it feels like many of the people I know here are not like those I have know to take road trips with, chill on the mountain with or just hang out and enjoy the day with. I feel like so many peeps here that I have come across, are often a little too uptight or aggressive about their adventures. now that I have reflected a bit, I see how skiing with Ben all the time actually gets a bit exhausting and that’s why I have just gone up to ski by myself the last couple of times and really enjoyed it. I am out there to enjoy skiing with friends. where are those friends?

I know that I have had summit fever too, and I have needed to push to the summit of things due to my own struggles with life and myself, but I still feel like my aggression was never to prove to the world to ski the sickest couloir or ski the gnarliest line. no. not at all. the reason why I have turned to the mountains, is in the serene peace and beauty that comes with. the reason why I ran for the hills has always been their lack of judgment of your abilities, agonies or personal struggles. I went there to find peace and to scream into the void. somewhere that I felt like I belonged to, and no one could take it away from me. it was my thing, solely mine.

while I chased my inner peace, I came to realize that the greatest things about these adventures were always the stories collected, the companion ships shared and more than the conquer (or epic failure), the icing on the cake is the bond created by the adventure shared. the chase and the whole part about getting there, sleeping in the dirt and waiting for alpine starts. or to have everything go wrong and it still turns out to be a wonderful, memorable experience. it’s always in the journey, shared with a good friend, that makes the adventure. the summit is only about 5% of it.

James and I are making the move. We have been practically living together in my place since late last fall. Sure he has his own lace, but it’s nice to stay at mine since it’s private. And quite frankly, a very sweet spot. I will miss my place greatly but the move feels right. It feels right because we found a place that is just as quirky as I am. I can’t wait to decorate it’s walls with mirrors and hang up my globe. I have wondered if I should be scared, worried or somehow concerned that we might be making a mistake. But I have never met anyone that I would rather live with than James.

In the process of packing and cleaning my place, I came across and old diary of mine, back when I was still doing it in ink. It appeared to be mostly written through out the early years of dating Jason. it’s funny how we forget the mistakes we’ve made ad the places we have ended up in. I have written them down so that I could go back and read my memories. maybe learn from them. maybe realize I had learned nothing at all. it seems keeping a diary reminds us of our mistakes past and shows us how we might never learn from our mistakes. the diaries I have written give me a direct link to remember how I felt, what I thought, how much something hurt or bothered me at the time. enough that I spent time putting it down in pen. that is why I write. to remember.

I feel like I never have a very good gauge on how things are now, or where I am today, as to how they should be and how they could be. I have always had a hard time in stepping back and seeing me from a distance. and seeing things for what they really are. particularly in relationship and thus I evoked my license to date for quite some time. when I was in the relationship with Jason, I was inherently blind to the warning signs form day one. my diary reflects hurt and anger on many pages, spread over days and months. it seems clear now that the relationship should have never taken place (granted, had it not, I would not be living this dream). all the signs were there, yet somehow I managed to blame myself for a majority of our problems. the diary screams quilt. and self-hate. I am of strong belief that all those feelings were imposed on me by him and were a result of his own blame on himself and his low self-esteem, not mine. being the spineless fish that I am sometimes, I fell into my role of making everyone better and making everyone happy. pick him up and mend his broken wings. I was doing it without even knowing it.

I doubt myself a lot. I doubt my judgment. for a good reason. I have strong faith in James, but at the same time, I never stop being critical of everything he does, as to how that might fit into my picture of the future. is he the right person after all? has he always been? what is the criteria here? how do you decide who to be with and who to build a life with? does our relationship have the tell tale signs of eventual breakup after all?

what I do now. here are the facts. I cannot think of a single reason why I wouldn’t be with him. why we wouldn’t live together. either I have grown up and matured, or I have actually met a man, that mysteriously our volatile personalities can live in harmony. we swim in the same current. and somehow it works. it’s a blessing to be in a relationship where everything is easy. all the time. we bicker at times, but rarely do we fight. which is surprising seeing that I am a fighter. I know that about myself.

or it snows. and then it melts. everyday I can’t decide between walking to work, riding my bike, going to yoga, going for a hike, or just skipping work that day!

the weather is amazing, it’s warm in the sun. this weekend James and I spent time sitting in the backyard after skiing. he worked on the bronco, I handed tools and got afternoon drunk. the next day we took a drive around the crazies. it was due time to scout out those mountains, can’t wait to spend more time there this summer and spring!

suddenly I have money coming in. suddenly all the work is paying off and I am making more money than I have in a while. suddenly the wallet strings don’t have to be so tight. suddenly, again, I can buy the expensive steak at the store. the nice bottle of wine, skip the 5 dollar bottle of wine. I think moving to Montana brings on the obvious and inevitable financial struggle for a little while. everything has a cost and that seemed to be mine, but I am back and can finally pay down my student loans rather than just keeping up with it. also, I have finally decided to apply for citizenship this summer. wonder how long it takes.. it would be wild if by next christmas, going to finland, I could be a US citizen.. what a crazy thought! so many years in the making, I am here to stay.

the place is closed now. and it seems the crowd is burned out on it too, but a few of use made it out of town around 7 am, clicked in and started the skin up to the powder. couple hours later we were gliding down, making soft turns the whole way down. Moose followed Ben over some cliffs on Out of Sight and dropped it, no problem. fearless super dog.

I love the fact that I don’t have to get to work any any real schedule. I love the fact that I can take time in the morning to clean up my place or run errands. I love the fact that I can walk or bike to work when I want. and I have options. I love that I live in a small town. I love that there are vast sunny skies and mountains around. I love that there’s no hurry. I love the fact that I can go skiing in the morning for a few hours and work in the afternoon. I love the little place I live in. I love the fact that my dog is little, mellow and well behaved so he fits well in that little place of mine. if fact, all three of us fit well in there. I love the fact that I can bring moose to work. I also love the fact that I work right above the brewery. I love the fact that I can drive to amazing hot springs any day I want. I love the fact that I have backyard and a fire pit. I love the fact that I am making money doing the simple things I do. and I must say, I love the fact that I have a career. I love the simplicity and the abundance of it all. I love the fact that James and I can just live here. just live. nothing is ever complicated. in some different way. you don’t really begin to understand how montana culture is different until you’ve lived here for a bit. the difference may seem obvious, but it still never is what you think it is. life is just different. slower.

who would have thought, a little girl from Finland to find herself here, in paradise.

as it turns out, when it was Sunday night, and I still had hours of editing to do and the day light hours had weaned, I found myself resenting the obligation of work. I really detested it. even though this my freelance work. still.

I began to wonder what an awful individual I had become. I remember the days when I was known as a hard worker. and I still am. if I want. it’s not the work itself, it’s not being able to say when. also the thought that I might have to give up my weekend to do so. whaaaat? what is that about? a concept I suddenly found so foreign it made me realize how little I really work now under pressure. even though I work ll the time. and have dead lines all the time. I realized how massively I have become my own lord when it comes to my hours and making a choice on how and when to spend them. is there a discipline that I am missing that should be there, just for the sake of discipline. should I not be so unruly?

is the fact that I indulge in food, drink and entertainment how ever I please, as often as a I please a bad thing? should I not have so much joy in life? I have no control over disciplining myself, staying under some kind of lament for the things I do and how much I enjoy my life. it’s the fact that I don’t try very hard that is the problem. I don’t try much at all. a couple years ago I was set on this path of ‘fuck everything else, I am going to do everything that makes ME happy.’ why should I not enjoy my life how I please when it’s not hurting anyone else?

so then, is it healthy to live your life to however you want? or should I fast for 10 days before I allow myself another glass .. wait, make that a bottle of wine? should I work more hours in a week to justify my 3-4 days of skiing a week? why?

there are a lot of folks who don’t seem to give my constitution much respect. montana, is by all means vastly more understanding, but for a person who actually has many jobs, it seems to be considered down right outrageous that I can, and I do, dictate my own life and my hours. most of the world seems to always live under the fear of the big brother or a boss who will put their thumb down and MAKE you gt to work at 7:30 am. so why do people listen? why does everyone follow this expectation?

moving out to montana only made matters worse. I remember when I was a teen in Finland, I used to punish myself by not eating for a day or an afternoon. just when I felt like I should practice discipline over my body and thoughts I would and I could. not eating was not based on diet, weight or any factor on appearance, it was merely a direct link for me to exercise power and control over my mind and body. I think this used to make me more powerful in a way. and I also think, had I not done this at some point in my life, I probably would not be the same person I am today. I think I learned a lot about what I am capable of, in every aspect of life. during this time I learned to understand the tremendous power that mind has over our bodies. and what amazing strength you can have over your mind.

these early lessons in teenage years yielded a road, a path, a way, that has guided me throughout my life. in many situations in my life, I have turned to this tool. when I needed to work my ass off to get through college, when I climbed mountains, when I decided to come live in the united states, or montana for that matter. many things in my life that I have only accomplished through perseverance and discipline.

while I think I take my ability to discipline myself (or the ability that I used to have) for granted compared to a lot of other folks I often wonder if I should exercise a practice, a religion, or other rules and regulations over my being? do I need more discipline in my life, do I need more rules? do I need a church? do I need a god?

I think that there are a lot of people who need rules just to keep it together in life. but I’m not so sure I do. I have a code of sorts that I live by. but my principles are different. I don;t need a schedule. I don’t need time management tools. I have my own system. I want it to be my own system, not yet another tool that’s being shoved down my throat. I am mature enough to know what I need to do and when I need to do it. I constantly hear about planning, scheduling and living a disciplined life. why? why do I need to? just because some of you struggle with yours?

who says I need a 9-5 job? who says I must work 40 hours a week and if I don’t, there’s clearly more hours to exploit. there’s always this lingering notion in america that you should not self indulge. you should not enjoy your life to the fullest. how dare you!

montana has taught me that there is a different way of life. something I knew could exist. something I was already living, but I needed to find a place where it was ok to live, work and play in the perfect triangle.