I have held a strong belief that all women are crazy. um, to be specific, I used to believe that 90% of women were crazy, and the rest seemed to maintain. however, I have come to believe that we are all crazy, the only thing that truly sets us apart is variable levels of control we excercise over ourselves. some of us manage to understand that we must keep our crazy bottled up and try to behave normally.

then there are those of us that drift in and out with such veracious pace that I cannot be sure if the moments of sanity are simply misinterpretations. bless the hearts of many women I know, they are mostly absolutely insane, but I often love their hearts nonetheless. some of us are also so far removed into our craziness that even an old friend could not point out how crazy your friend truly is. I could not even begin this conversation.

oh boy.

so many things to be against. so many things to campaign about. so may things to stand for. so many things to hate. what for?? it’s exhausting. fighting your whole life is exhausting. why not just be happy? when you move to montana you forget about all this. the fighting.

it’s also amazing to have a conversation about anything outside portland city limits and how someone can possibly be so blind to understanding that everyone in the world does not share her beliefs. and she has no patience to understanding why. why I can’t only eat organic. why recycling is hard. why I own a car in montana. why I don’t want to buy used clothes for my sister and brother in finland for christmas. and why they don’t give a shit if it’s made from organic cotton or not. why homeless dogs are not dying because it’s cold outside. why I have a roof rack on my car. why the buffalo roam.

also hard to point out that her boyfriend will never be what she wants him to be and seems to be slowly losing his last brain cells. it will NEVER get any better! either you decide to give it a rest (or you should for everyones sake!) or you must leave him, but you cannot keep trying to change a 40-years old man, let alone bitch at him about everything he does and does not do..?? why stay with someone whom you have to nag at all times to do this, do that, do everything my way, because it’s the only way. and by the way, you will not be given any leeway into whom you might be as a person. no excuses! if you can’t tell left from right, is that cause for ridicule? I would never dare to tell james to get off the computer like a mom telling a 5-year old to go clean his room cause quests are coming over. but quests were not coming over. no one was coming and we were leaving. why? why? why? I also do not at all, for a second understand why you would EVER, under any circumstances allow relatives in your baby’s life if you wholeheartedly stand against who they are, what they believe in and how horrid you believe they are. I hope she can eventually make good choices for her child and not follow the same path her mother took. but the apple only falls so far.

I woke up before the sun to get on the road. it being 20 below outside, I layered with long johns, ski pants, down jacket, ski jacket, my big black diamond gloves, a fleece hat. I was well on the road when the sun started dawning in the sky behind me and was beginning to light up the frozen morning sky. as I was crossing ridges and saddles down into the valleys of I-90, heading west, I was so moved by the stunning beauty of the frozen peaks and the vast valleys I cried a little. I realized how much I have come to love montana. I always have, but now it has come to have a more profound place in my life. thought I have struggled in bozeman, I have also become more attached, have finally adjusted and it would be incredibly hard for me to leave the state, go back to living anywhere else. much less portland.

as before, and a few times over, portland blows my mind. it’s a busy city with so much happening and so much going on. moving to bozeman was a huge adjustment to get used to the fact that nothing happens most of the time. here something happens all the time. I love portland, and when I made it here, once again, I was overwhelmed by this feeling of coming home, but to an estranged home. i don’t want Portland to be home anymore. I don’t want to yearn to be back here anymore, like I often have. i understand now how much I have changed. culturally I am in a very different place than I have been, to a point that I feel like there’s no sense in trying describe to someone how different life is on the far side of the mountains. I live in paradise.

I passed through Cour d’Alene lake and my familiar spot where I used to sleep the night on my way to montana, just to break up the drive, and more importantly because from there on out, I wanted to savor the scenery and take it all in during the day in it’s breathtaking glory. I chuckled to myself at the thought of how much I yearned to be in montana then, how much everything has changed since the pain that drove me there, and the fact that I am in montana now. I am in paradise.

arriving in portland also still gives me a slight nagging feeling of knowing that dickhead is in this town. STILL. somewhere. there are a lot of people in this town who hurt me. tremendously. I understand that there will be less for me here year by year and I think I like it that way. I am fine with it. I think because of the way I left, I will probably always feel like there are debts in this town that have never been paid. things that will never be resolved. it has been a couple years now, maybe some things never die. I never knew I could hold a grudge for that long, but then again I never knew someone could do the things he did. maybe I will never forget or forgive. there’s no reason to forgive, but should I forget?

I am not sure that I should ever forget. there’s a universal expectation to move on, forget and not to care at all anymore, but how can I? why should I? should I? I doubt that I will ever be effected by him any less. I doubt that I will ever become numb to him. he will always have had a huge impact in my life and I will always hate him just the same.

it also brings me huge satisfaction to see my choices and what I have made out of all that misery. I have an amazing relationship with someone I love deeply. I have a very healthy and balancing relationship that allows me to be happy and content. maybe James is what I have needed all along? or.. at least by now I can recognize the good thing that he is. and perhaps my rollercoaster of a life needs him to allow me to be me. I don’t live for drama, in fact I want my home to be a peaceful place, a haven, if you may. where ever we are, when we are together, feels like I am home.

when I was logging miles under the big sky, I also reveled in being alone. I love traveling alone. I always have. even though through out my life and travels, I always wished I had someone to share it all with, now in my thirties, I acknowledge that traveling alone out of necessity has eventually turned into loving to be alone. LOVING to spend time with myself. loving life hanging out with me. I have always been my best friend and I believe it’s a true blessing and a gift. being able to be your own best friend is a sacred blessing. no matter where I go, I am always having fun because, well, I showed up. and most of the time, if I am having a hard time, the best cure is to take sometime for myself.

if I ever feel doubt I come here. read old stories and quickly remember. I remember all the joys and the tears. I remember all the lessons. the ones I always seem to tell ourselves we will never make again, yet they fade into the past. pain forgotten seems like it never took place. it’s hard to recall an emotion so dense that ailed your body. it’s like the smell of the memory remains, but with our capacity to forget, we also forget what we learned. or didn’t.

I have kept a collection of my emotions and experts from my life in little notebooks for ages and I have always found it a blessing to read any bits of them again. they are the only true story of my life that I know. when I read back on them, one thing that surprises me often, is how vivid the writing is, how clear the emotion. be it happiness, love, sorrow, yearning, screaming, the writings bring me close to what I thought, felt and remembered. even thought I carry a collection of memories with me, nothing can tell it like a written account from your own hand and heart, remind you where you have been.

these tales have infinite value in my life. their preciousness cannot be measured, and party I am assured, that not one who has never shared this experience can truly understand and see it’s mountain moving strength. because these are messages from myself to myself. messages of love. the most important kind of love.

today i come to here to remember my voice. remember who I am, heed to the tales. this is me!

it’s a scary thought to look at my life and see, really understand, that I am ready and able to have a kid. it seems that through the years those horrific thoughts and nightmares of how my life would change and the things I would have to give up don’t really seem that major at all. slowly I begin to understand that those sacrifices are probably something I have been becoming ready for. I suppose they are a natural part of life.

at the same time I have slowly begun to understand my age. I am turning 33 this february. I am not young anymore. I like where I am in my life, but I don’t like the stillness of it all at this moment. I do and I don’t. I like not being crazy busy, but busy is what moves me. so how do I move without it? sitting in a classroom full of twenty somethings, it suddenly dawns on me that I am not that young anymore. sure, I can hang, but who am I kidding, I am thirty-something. I always took ride in the fact that I feel like I took everything out of my youth, but with age slowly dawns the inevitable realization that there’s so much more I could have done. some part of my life is in the past and has died, or is always dying. it’s an inevitable dawning of age that brings this sense of loss. actually, I did an amazing job, really. but still, there’s always more. I’m a bit greedy.

I am not having any kids. just because I can, doesn’t mean that I will. not yet. it’s just that I understand now what it takes and it looks like the most natural thing to do at this age. everyone I know is doing it. even those whom I thought wouldn’t.

“We just find ourselves here. With our individual birth we just “wake-up” and discover ourselves in the midst of an extraordinary world of beauty and sorrow. All around us we see exquisite and exquisitely subtle orders played out effortlessly. From the lazy descent of fall leaves to the slow unfolding of cloudscapes in empty blue skies, it is all just here and we are just here to see it.

Day after day we wake again to find the world still here, waiting for us as we play out our own small dramas with their small triumphs and terrible heartbreaks. And then, remarkably, astonishingly, just here just ends.”

life. in all it’s miraculousness of being here. I think I do a fair job of keeping in mind that we are, after all, just standing on a piece of rock, flying through universe at ungodly speeds. we get so easily wrapped up in our little drama’s. our beautiful planet is turning to ruins due to the fact that majority of the population frequently chooses to forget this fact. I have known so many to get upset and angry at life, I have been there too.

once in a while I lay awake at four in the morning, having a little freak out about what am I doing with my life, what should I be doing with my life and who is measuring? who am I living the life for? in all of it’s amazing glory, I too forget, that after all, we merely “wake up” into it one day and then amazingly, one day, it just ends for us. we are a fleeting moment in time, a fleeting moment in history, perhaps our lives mattered to a few. maybe they mattered to many, but in context, we’re still living an extraordinary, magical experience of simply being here, living, on this small planet, with no real purpose.

who put me here? why am I here? but I have no duty. no higher deity is making sure I am filling my quest. the amazing thing about this life is that no one is ever coming to tap on the shoulder and asking: how are you contributing to this world? are you being the best you can be?

I live in a magical place, in a magical world and I have magical life. sadly, I know I am a minority. I love this earth and I am truly blessed to be alive in this time of the world. it truly is an amazing time to be alive and to experience.

I am thankful for this blessed life.

i like

• printing presses
• the wind
• pages of a novel book
• lit matches
• sage
• the snow
• pinetrees
• glue for my skins
• pumpkin candles
• fresh laundry, but only when it’s tide
• christmas ham
• mustard
• leather boots
• wool yarn
• nail polish
• lilacs
• clean cars
• creme brulees
• toner and solvent printers
• paper, any kind really
• canoes
• metro trains
• the wrecking yard
• sizzling bacon
• my mom
• christmas in finland

I never stop to think how lucky I am of my legal freedom. it has been a very, very long time since the long arm of the law would have reached out to me. the less conversations you ever have with a law/government official the better of any American is through out their lifetime.

it’s a sad reality that the juridical system we have in place merely seeks to de-habiliate rather than make anyone a better citizen. if you ever get trapped in the cogwheel, you are a criminal no matter what your involvement really was. even if you plead ‘not-guilty’, you will still be implicated, incarcerated and prosecuted to the full extent of the law. what if you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? what if someone pointed a finger at you randomly?

it’s kinda like if my ex would have ever actually gone ahead and sued me… the whole time I just prayed and begged that he would not bring that upon me. once someone does, there’s nothing you can do to stop them, even if they are crazy. anyone can sue anyone, or call the cops n anyone, or accuse anyone of anything. without any legal proof of ground to stand on.

…this is also why I always thought it would be amazingly funny to call the police on my drunk driving ex. like it’s not enough he lost is house, he should lose his drivers license and with it his career. and his freedom.

the effects of such actions are amazingly permanently damaging to most americans. we are not criminals, we are just people living our lives, minding our own business, until suddenly someone minds us. I pray i will be spared from this.

I pray for more years of peaceful freedom to come. and thus I give thanks to my freedom. my political, religious and moral freedom. my life of biss, thanks to all these freedoms and liberties. I am blessed.

everywhere I go, as long as I can remember, I have observed my surroundings, adopted and adapted. over and over again. it could be stated that who I am is a result of many judgments and decision I have applied upon myself. rules I have made, paths I have followed. many of these things I have chosen consciously as a result of decisions that have been largely base on my perception and therefore judgment of the world around me.

I live in a culture that largely frowns upon these claims. judgment is a dirty word. judgment is human nature. there is nothing wrong with a constant evaluation of yourself in this world. I think everyone could use a little bigger dose of such judgment. we judge our whole lives and pretend like we are not doing so constantly. it is normal and healthy to judge.

what you do with that judgment is a different matter, but don’t judge judgment for itself.

noun

ultimately is what it comes down to. I could find a million reasons why I should leave, change things, change my life. I can always be unsatisfied with status quo. but true art lies in being able to tell the difference and to weight the options.

it’s not in my nature to ever really accept anything or just settle in the pace in life. without reaching for something else. I am trying to find balance with in myself and live in harmony with another human being. I have been breaking up with people since I was fourteen. something that now seems like a pretty clear pattern. I don’t think that those relationships would have really truely worked out on the long run regardless, but what does it say about me?

I have been living a very seclusive and independent life, away from any roots or family for over half of my life. sailing from one relationship to another, but always just visiting. experiencing the moment with full force and giving it my all, only to flee when I suddenly panic and realize that I actually don’t want to share my life completely. that I don’t want to be a lesser version of my self. that there are things about my self that I might not really be willing to share. though I try. I share my all. I donate myself to the cause. for the sake of love. I have been learning from relationships the majority of my life, but I can never seem to be able to truely learn and see the mistakes I am making. The gifts that I am giving without knowing that I really should not be giving them at all.

I always want to be free. and alone. it’s more inkling to a lifetime curse. it’s a delicate dance between two people, trying to know understand where my boundaries are and what aspects of my life I am willing to give up, which I am willing to negotiate and which never seem to go away. the ones that are too important for me to give up. how do I make those things fit into my life and how can we find and maintain common ground.

I see it clearly now. I see myself clearly. the patterns in the life of a 32 year old. can we move on from this and maybe work on new patterns?

I have never been to a wedding where I felt the love. not only the love of the two getting married, but the love those two had for their audience.

after a week spent once again with all those good people that I relate to and feel like I am close to. all those people over there on the other side of the mountains. all the ones I relate to, those whom for some reason are really easy to be friends with. I had another amazing time in Missoula with everyone and hanging out with all kinds of frineds and James. yet, here we are again, on the far side of the last mountain range to the east. all the way out here under the vast vast vast big sky.

so, I bought my season pass. I am going to do a month unlimited pass at bikram yoga. I am ready for winter. I am ready to settle for a few months again now that the summer is gone. ready to wear scarves, hats and mits. ready to have everything turn quiet and trudge through the snow.