I just got back from a ride up brackett creek to grassy. ok, I admit it, it’s nice to be on a bike again. my shoulder worries me a little, but it seemed to hold together ok. it’s still a tad loose, so I know if I even yank on it, I’ll be right back to where I started.that slows me down on the downhill a bit.

I really love summers here in montana. I do love winters too, but I have always thought there’s something so… easy? …about montana summers. flip flops and skirts, dirt between my toes. no hurry anywhere. and most importantly: cool nights.

James has been gone like about a week now. only. and though I stop to miss him often, and think about him all the time, it gets easier. I do miss him like crazy, more than anything I miss being able to do stuff with him. but I must admit, I am really enjoying being alone and having the house all to myself for a while. I feel like I am on vacation in a way, I have always loved the times in my life when I have been single, and I have always kinda really wanted more of that. more of being free and able to do stuff with out my damn boyfriend. not that there’s anything wrong with doing a lot with James cause he’s just so awesome, but still. as much as I feel like I have always given way too much to ever relationship, I also realize that I think often it has been expected of me, like men can’t take care of themselves and they need my constant pampering. James doesn’t tho.

I love being on my own program for a while. do my own stuff, own friends, own music, own adventures and taking care of my own psyche. I have never really been good at being in relationships, I think they have always sucked me dry in some way. I used to have guys always tell me I make them better… long time ago, I learned to avoid that, because it’s not my fucking job to make anyone better. it’s ok to be with me if that makes them want to be better, but placing that kind of weight on me is utter bullshit. like they are sucking the life out of me like leeches. I don’t expect James to make me happy, or do much for me really.. other than just be there for me. be my friend and partner. I have long understood the fact that I need to look to myself for balance and happiness, and I understand if I am being a bitch, I probably need to take a step back and take some time to myself.

being with James is easy. and I think that makes me able to enjoy this as much as I do. having him there, makes this easier. but I know, on my own I am easy.

I am in love with life. a little high on summer perhaps. it’s beautiful. I love the friends I have in my life. thank you for being there.

well holy shit balls jesus fucking christ that was hard. talking about major test anxiety. I guess my score of 76/100 was up there in the highs of the class? tricky. I have been kinda having anxiety and little freak outs about failing my EMT class over the past week. it’s never really been like me to develop much anxiety over a simple test, but knowing how hard it would be and that I was going to fail the class all together if I didn’t get a high enough of a score kinda freaks me out. I mean, I have never gotten anything less than a B since I went to college, and my GPA was always high. I just always thought failure was never an option. if I am going to be tested, I need to have all the answers. ugh. really, I knew there’s no way I could, not for this one. 70 was the cut off for failing the class and in the past the class average has been 73. I think it’s just setting us up to fail. I think it’s kinda bull shit if you ask me.

especially when I sat down in front of my test and despite having read all the material twice, made like 300 flash cards (and actually knowing all of them), I still had no idea what some of the questions were even talking about. how is that even possible? one of the questions actually asked about patients short term memory by two words: a) time and place OR b) date and event. what the fuck. I know my shit. …what the fuck?

and I do retain a lot. I am kinda smart like that. even thought I thought my score was idiotically low, I was still congratulated by the teacher on my high score. I hear a few people failed the class tonight… huh.

beer me.

learned later, class average was 71 and 9 people didn’t make the cut off. out of like 25. jesus. I think I’m allowed to be proud of myself.

finally dug the mountain bike out, dusted it off, lubed the chain and swapped my pedals to flats. picked up jacque and warmed up for the season with 13 miles of forest road and 3 miles on the fabled wall of death. though it’s a pretty far reach for a couple miles of single track, from the last time I did it, I recalled really enjoying it. short, exposed and scary, but so much fun! I’m into the flats. fuck clip ins.

I was really stoked about the downhill. in a way, I am getting back on the horse that kicked my ass. when I fell last fall on my shoulder, I never really was able to get fully on back into biking before the season ended. rocks hurt. dirt doesn’t give, not like snow does. I think that’s possibly why I have always loved snow more. like this ass backwards confidence I have, that I feel safer clinging to a snowy wall with crampons and axes, over clinging to rock with my fingers and toes, even if there’s rope involved. I’ve never really been sure why I feel safer with snow and ice, than I ever have with rock. I am working on a personal theory here.

I love you completely, way I have never loved someone. no matter how far, or how long, you make me smile and you make me happy. just by being who you are. even now, I am a little drunk on you. I celebrate you. and thus I celebrate me and I celebrate my life. I celebrate us. wish there was somewhere, somehow I could scream this into the wind and have it reach you. where ever you are now.

somehow knowing that you are there, always, makes me feel like I make sense after all. I miss my best friend. and all this will get better. I look forward to being by myself for the summer …after this fades and I stop looking for you around the house.

one should never turn down an impromptu invite to go camp out in some mountains. what ever i was going to be doing before, I certainly wasn’t doing it anymore.

sometimes I forget how much I love touring in them big mountains. how much I love being so far out and up over there that afterwards I feel like I got run over by a freight train or like I got punched in the face. skiing to my hearts content until I feel wrecked. hoo, spring time in the tobacco roots. cooking my face in the microwave of the snowy bowls with my head down in the blinding, shiny whiteness, staring at my skis all day.

on the hike in I tried out mushroom tea for a change. tsk, just a little bit. the sun went down and we came up the final hill when I fell behind in the dark woods. the gooey giddy feeling creeping in, staring at the starts, the snow and the pitch black forest, trying to remember to keep going. star shine. I had no idea where I put my head lamp and the thought of searching for it seemed daunting. I might never make it if I stopped… hunting by sounds in the dark forest. har har.

the whole night and the weekend was magical. camping in the snow. i like it.

that was awesome.

I set my alarm for 6. woke up to rain and kept sleeping. when I woke up again I laid around watching big flakes coming down. more like clumps of snow. after kicking rocks around the house for a bit I finally decided to give it a go and headed up to the hill in a trenching snow storm.

being in a blizzard doesn’t usually bother me much. you can really be comfortable as long as you are dressed for it. sun, rain, snow or wind. what ever. it seems to drive most people away tho and I think there may have been a total of 5 people on the mountain. I really enjoyed my quiet skin up in the falling snow and breaking my own trail. got up into a white out and skied some sweet powder in one of those vertigo environments, making best guesses about the angle of the slope. nice.

sometimes I don’t get this town. it snows every may. like clock work and people are just as upset about it every year. just because I have gone on bike rides or worn flip flops and tank tops this spring doesn’t stop me from skiing again when it snows. or even if it doesn’t. everyone I know is making statements and declarations about being done skiing for the season and putting their skis away.

Eli told me last night he’d much rather be skiing than mountain biking because he feels like the reward to effort ratio isn’t always there in mountains biking. I agree, much like him, I would give up any day pedaling up a dirt hill on my bike to skinning up a snowy hill. as much I enjoy mountain biking, I tend to not bring my bike out until later in the season. I have some principles against mountain biking in snow with soggy sneakers and wet cold fingers (unless it’s fall). frankly, in this town, unless you drive an hour out of town, mountain biking this early means getting on trails with kids and families and disabled people. do you really want to be that person? on the M trail?

Moose found me a set of antlers from a deer skull dug in the snow. a set! haha, good boy.

so I bought a geared bike. the flat valleys out here finally made me make the switch. when I bought the bike at the bike swap I didn’t really have a good idea of what I was buying. all I knew is that it fit, it was in sweet condition and it was about what I wanted to spend. out of principle, I aim to never be someone who spends a couple grand on a road bike and spandex. there’s a lot of that out here. so almost out of same principle, now that I have gears, I also do long road rides in my cut off jean shorts. or my chacos. or both. what of it.

I happened to be at the swap early and had several people try to buy it from me before I made it out of the place. since then I’ve had random folks walk up to compliment my bike, most of them in disbelief that I picked it up at the swap. what I have learned so far is that apparently there were only about 3500 of them ever made, some regard it a collectible. the Bridgestone Synergy RB 1 was built for racing around 1992-93. this weekend I took it out for a 20 miler and another 30 miler. holy shit that thing goes fast! it’s got a massive chain ring in the front that enables me to get going amazingly fast. and keep accelerating when I work it up to a speed to ride in the highest gear. it’s amazing!

I never thought I’d be someone who’s into road riding, but somehow after years of bike commuting in Portland, I really miss being on a bike. it’s one of those basic simple joys. like, getting on a good swing every once in a while… I miss the tall swing sets in portland. just to go fast, ride so hard I think I’m gonna puke. like I used to in portland traffic, where I used to regard biking as something of a video game. when I lived there I used to have friends who wanted to go on road adventures, but I was never really that interested. largely just because I spent the whole week on a bike. while I always loved it, the last thing I wanted to do on the weekend then, was to get on a bike.

but when I moved here, I realized I was missing being able to go somewhere on my bike. it’s an odd thing to miss, odd thing to notice. biking used to be a necessary utility, not recreation. the adjustment to bozeman is in order to do a good ride, I need to ride out of town. I also know that I have always loved my time on the bike. when I was going to school and working full time, those miles were my time of serenity and without those I think I would have been going mad most of the time.

there’s a lot of good road out here. I never thought I’d say that. so, to make up for this atrocity I’ll continue riding in jeans amongst the sea of spandex. and 60 year old men.

I also spent a couple days skiing this weekend. saturday I went with Harriet and noticed that I have learned to fully understand her almost incomprehensible british accent. the ski was sweet, but this mornings was even better! we made it up early and timed our corn perfectly. the kinda run that makes you so stoked to ski… holy cow it was sweeet!

I love this time of year! I’m gonna go shovel some dirt.

as soon as I make the commitment for EMT classes for the spring and decide to start a garden, he gets a call from California, off to the Trinity forest in a month. he blames it on my sudden commitment. haha!

I find it funny, and guess maybe I am delighted to hear that he’s not worried about us. he used to be so concerned. it’s like he got to where he needed to be, so that we can both let go and live on.

now I really gotta figure out that watering system for the garden. I thought I was going be bozeman bound for the summer this time around, but it looks like I will be going down to Shasta at some point this summer after all. freaking sweet!! and well, being apart for most of the summer really sucks, but I’ll see if I can get a renter into the house for a month or two in the summer so I can be gone for a while.

and ski some volcano after all..

how do you tell the man you love, that you love him? this has been established already. I love yous are a part of an everyday slogan. often several times a day. but something changed and I see him differently now.

as of late, I find myself thinking about James. or when I am not with him, but he comes up in conversation, I find myself feeling all warm in my innerds, cause he’s my guy. thinking of him, often makes me happy and makes me smile. I am a big fan of James. sometimes when we lay together in the morning or before he goes to work, I feel elated to feel his warmth and I am stoked that he chooses to be my guy. still. I find myself lost in thought thinking how great I think he is and how lucky I feel to have this kind of a relationship with someone. I have always felt like what James and I have was somehow different from anything I’ve ever had with anyone. though I have been very much in love in the past, I have never felt quite so .. understood..? like my raging ocean of emotion that turns to calm yet churning waters with him. it’s hard to explain. even though we are the same sign, James challenges me in ways that I really think I need to be challenged.

the longer I get to know James, the more I love him. I didn’t know you could love someone the way I love him now. I’ve never made it this far with someone, or this way, to actually have a really good and wholesome relationship with someone where love can be cultivated. lately I have found myself wondering if a lifetime with him was enough time. haha!

because of all this sometimes I get scared. I find myself worrying that I might be alone in this relationship with this love of mine. this is the time in the relationship when the other knows your faults and shortcomings. this is when you got a bit tubby and don’t look as hot you did when you first met. and this is when it can be awesome and wonderful, but it’s also around the time when things turned to hate and resentment the last time. I know James is a world away from ex, and his steady, consistent love for me seems to never really falter too far. but still, my love somehow has now turned the corner to where I might break if I came to find out, if instead of growing that he’s love might be dying. it can happen and you can’t necessarily help these things. and this is what I am afraid of. ridiculously so, I might add. I find myself a little scared of being hurt again now that I find myself here.

not that this is a true worry, or an actionable concern, (–Kenny.) it’s more like just a clear view of the fact, that I find myself in this exceptionally vulnerable place again with someone. even though I had thought that I was over it, or had forgotten what it felt like to hurt, I found that feeling this way about someone also reminds me of big hurt by someone. at your most vulnerable state.

well …last time I obviously I trusted my emotional well-being in the hands of the wrong person. someone clearly not qualified for the job. how stupid of me.

so there it is. I sat in the courtroom in Butte, MT with 19 other contestants. I stood up in the jury bx when my name was called and I held my hand up and swore to defend the constitution of the united states. I said a lot of other things during the oath that I would be horrified to fill.

thought I felt things would go on unchanged and I would not geek out about how grand it was to finally become a citizen, I still got to thinking during the ceremony of speeches and song. I realize how much I love about this country, how many things that are uniquely American and cannot be found, repeated or mimicked any where else in this world. I feel just as american as everyone else and have for years, it’s somehow unbelievable to exhale in relief and understand that they cannot get rid of me now. I have every right to be in this country and to be treated the same as any other citizen and celebrate this heritage as it was my own.

so when I gave my oath, I declared my own:

I love this country. I love it’s collection of people and I love it’s tossed salad of a culture. I love it for it’s insanity and madness. I love it’s zest for life. I love white picket fences. I love mining history and it’s aftermath. I love the hillbillies with their big trucks, four wheelers and hunting dogs. I love the Victorian houses. I love the portland hipsters. I love the oregon coast. I love the volcanoes. I love the national parks. I love the hot springs. I love the wide open land. I love the all-american ball game. I love the prom and high school. I love bumper stickers. I love virginia city and butte. I love the college experience in this country. I love the popular culture. I love the movies and the celebrities. I love the colonial architecture in the south. and the way they talk. I love the Nez Perze and Chief Joseph. I love the madness of NYC. I love the great depression. I love the frontiers of montana. I love the national parks. I love the civil war. I love the 50’s house wife. I love the filthy rich. I love coffee culture. I love the beer culture. I love skiing culture. I love transient culture. I love roadside attractions. I love hunter S thompson. not so much for his writings, but what he stood for. I love a 4th of July parade. I love people from Michigan. I love the salt of the earth. I love thanksgiving. I love the columbia gorge. I love Halloween and the national 3-day weekends. ooh, I love pumpkins. I love the highway and an american road trip. I love the rainforests in the PNW. I love the biking culture in portland. I love going out for breakfast. I love christmas lights. I love ribs.

I love the life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. none of these things exist anywhere else the way they do here. any of these things would not exist if it wasn’t for this insane nation. it’s hard to explain that to someone in finland, it’s almost equally as hard to explain it to someone in the united states. no, it’s harder. I know the things I choose to love.

this is my land.

nascar.