“Read your blog…forgot that you had one until drinks the other day.  It’s unfortunate to hear that you feel so strongly about Bozeman and those of us who live here.   It’s hard not to take it personally.  I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to feel that way about a town I live in and choose to stay.”

I see.

I could see how someone might get offended by my last post. my language comes off a bit angry. when I wrote it, I felt like saying it. I might be wrong here, but I don’t think you have any right to be offended by something that was not intended for you. contrary to what you might believe, you are not the topic of my conversation.. well, until now. and well, maybe you did see yourself in that post… so, did I nail it? before you jumped to conclusions, did you bother to read the post prior? or the last five? did you see a post couple years back about my struggles with this town, that relentlessly continue from one season to the next?

it’s kinda like eavesdropping into a conversation you know nothing about.

I write to remember my life. these are intended for myself, not for you, as a reminder how I felt that day. where I was and who I was. any of whom care about me enough to read any of this junk I spill out, know my background and where I come off saying this. they have most likely taken the time to read MOST of it. most likely, have been there with me through these few years and have a pretty good understanding not to take these things to heart. then there are those who googled me and randomly found this, but oh well.

writing about my life is how I get to my zen garden, I am raking the sand. I come here to rant, love and cry. sometimes I’m kicking and screaming.

if you actually took a little time and read what I write about, you might also know what it has felt like to ski here the past three years, encountering one attitude after another. encountering isolation. but hey, since you don’t ski, rock or ice climb, run white water, mountain bike, or do anything other than snowshoe and hike how could you know, I don’t expect you to know. (or that’s just what you say you do, but I’ve gone on two hikes with you over the three years I’ve known you). in essence you don’t engage in any adrenaline sports. I am not blaming, I don’t care what you do. but you have no idea what kind of a town we live in if you are not the least bit involved in the sports that dictate our lives. or the attitude that follows them.

I wish you could take a moment to step outside of yourself and at at least try to imagine what my life is like. and know that I live in paradise. and that to me, this place is heaven on earth. I have friends in montana whom I am much closer to, who know exactly what I am talking about. and that Bozeman’s general masses are the butt end of a few jokes.

you have no idea what it feels like to plan yurt trips and have a hard time coming up with 6 local people to fill the yurt. or want to go mountain biking and have exactly two people to call, who work every day. you have no idea what it feels like to not have rock climbed a single peak in montana in two years since I don’t know anyone who climbs trad! and in essence have given up my climbing career for the time being because of it. do you know how much I would love, no, die to tie onto the end of a rope and climb up an icy couloir with a good climbing partner? do you!!??

I can’t imagine you really get how much it means for me to ski, how it rules my life. and how it breaks my hearts that skiers in this town are such assholes. do you know why I choose to live in this town? you also have no idea, what amazing resort we live right next to. what it’s like to drop into a couloir, clear a cliff, rail a log and scare the shit out of myself on a daily basis at our local hill. I’m guessing you could hardly appreciate the fact that I equate skiing to sex, and vice versa or what that really means. it’s my life line. these sports, are my life line. you don’t know who I am when I ski; you don’t know who I am.

as it is we hardly hang out, because you just can’t seem to find the time. don’t act all apologetic about it, I don’t mind. I don’t sit around hoping you’d call to hang out. I have a few good friends and know a few awesome people in this town.

did you ever take the time to know what this feels like, who I am, or what makes me awesome?

so, what makes you awesome?

life is rad. good friends are rad. laughing my ass off is rad. giggling hysterically about the epic failure of the magnificent success tickles me silly. it’s always bordering somewhere on hilarity or terror.

boy, where to begin. the past few weeks have made my summer complete and I am ready to check out, enjoy the cooler climates in scandinavia and brace myself for winter. actually, no bracing required, I think I am partially going to finland to waste time. to waste time till my babe comes home and snow starts falling again.

I have spent a few weeks in missoula with britt et al. and I don’t quite know where to even begin to explain how elated I have felt being with with people I truly love spending time with. also making lots of new friend, that I am thrilled to spend time with.

being away and coming back here reminds me how stale some people are in bozeman. it’s almost like real joy does not exist here. this summer has reminded me that, fuck, I can be awesome, shit, I can be fun. I love to laugh my ass off, I am a blast to hang out with and I am truly a good friend.

spending the past three years in bozeman has made me seriously doubt that. has made me think maybe I just got old, maybe I am difficult and stuck up. but fuck it, I am not!!! I realize now that it’s not so much me. it’s this fucking town with it’s stuck up bunch of assholes who can’t just have fun, for the sake of fun. what happened to just laughing your ass off? why is that completely lost with many of the folks I meet here? It’s nice to be home and sleep in my own bed and I have known for a long time that the only reason why I keep staying here is because of the skiing. I love being on this side of the divide, I just wish some people didn’t suck do bad. why is that? maybe with patrolling I’ll meet some more skiing folks. dare to dream.

I guess I am incredibly relieved that I can find so much joy in my life. I have been pretty depressed at times about the people in bozeman. I am relieved to understand that maybe it’s not all my problem as to why I don’t have that many adventure friends in this town. here all along I had been thinking that I got old, lame and stuck up. and that maybe I suck as a friend. it’s nice to be reminded that I am actually a very good friend to a lot of people. and I am a blast to hang out with. damn it. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to be surrounded by people who care about you, your friendship and appreciate spending time with you. spending this summer traveling and hanging out with friends who seem to be genuinely stoked about life and hanging out, and also meeting lots of new people that are genuinely FUN to hang out with, has made me relieved. and thus incredibly happy. and perhaps I don’t fret so much anymore about the lack of like minded friends in bozeman. I have James, and we have our few friends, and I am happy with the few I’ve got. and it keeps getting better, all the time, but it’s just really slow in the making. and obviously I need to just let go of some and let the chips rest where they fall.

James did ask me tho if we needed to move to missoula. god, I love that man. but we don’t. I think I like this arrangement, a lot. we spend winters here, ski and ski patrol, James leaves for the summer, we always have a house here and I get to roam around. perfect!

regardless, I have been biking my ass off in missoula, patched my tire with duct tape. had a few big bails. and epic failures, with epic successes. rode a bunch of cherries in missoula. partied with hot shots. bled profusely. drew up logos, picked colors. stayed at cabins or million dollar houses by the lake. watched columns of fire. loved life to every minute.

and most importantly came together with complete love for who I am. and certain friends whom I love dearly, who lifted my heart. who reminded me why I am worth loving. thank you for those, you know who you are. god, I love this life!

so there.

mountain standard time. pick up trucks. horse trailers. dogs run free. tip my hat to the northern rockies and prairie land. to cougars and bears. to whistle pigs, bless their lives—and guts—for the highway toll.

shit, I live in an amazing place. after all my travels so far this summer I always love coming home. there isn’t a place that compares to this state. I am coming out of the closet with my secret admiration of cowboys, ranchers and country music. for years I have loved that aspect of american culture. I even love that James is a genuine Tennessee hillbilly. I think I belong in montana.

big things changed when I caught this side of continental divide. it didn’t catch on for a while, I found myself missing the pacific northwest like crazy. I used to be proud of oregon. I still am. I used to root for oregon. less and less each season. I didn’t even visit portland while I was oregon for a month this time around. I didn’t see the point. besides visiting few very dear frineds, there wasn’t anything there for me. I was pretty surprised to realize it. I used to love visiting portland after I’d left. but what’s in a city? shopping? bars? restaurants? I guess I am just not that interested anymore. too many people, too big, too much traffic. too many people who have no idea what’s outside the city, outside the state. don’t get me wrong, portland is amazing and there’s nothing wrong with living an loving it there. but I know something different now. most of the people I know there never left. some don’t even travel much, or at all. or just don’t get it why I’d want to live far out of reach of the big civilization.

it’s hard to explain to anyone how different life is here. or what it really is that I love so much about it unless you get to experience it first hand. I love every aspect about it. the lack of people, wide open land. lack of rules. the big skies. it’s storms and sunsets. it’s still wild west out here. it’s the best thing I’ve ever found. renegade.

I’ve met a lot of people along the way. it’s made me appreciate James even more. I am incredibly grateful that he loves me. that he loves me so freaking much. can’t wait for my hot stuff to come back. I miss him. he’s the best of the rest.

I don’t know what it was about the cow pastures, cow pies, thunder storms, red ants, the feminine power bringing together thousands of people to celebrate, that was akin to a community, home, religion, pride.

I stood out in the field after another violent thunder storm had passed. the skies were torrent with cloud patterns of the montana summer storms. the horizon was burning orange when emmylou harris came on stage. her hair blowing silver in the wind of the setting sun and the dawning, glittering moon. brittnea and I had giggled ourselves silly with our lawn chairs in the back of my 4runner, drinking mushroom tea, hiding from the storm. we were coming down and I felt right as rain. peaceful, beautiful, like I had come home. I stopped in the field, stared at the amazing sky, the horizon, the mountain ranges around us and gave thanks for my meandering life that had brought me here. to this moment. this day. this life.

it was like I had found something that I had been looking for all along. we both did. we found it in the music, in the spirit of the people, in the morning yoga amidst the sun baked cow pies. I had been there for four days and when it was time to go home, something had set root in me, something grew a little. something got started and I fell in love with montana and it’s people all over again. I felt pride in all of us for being there, for rising to the occasion.

this is my burning man. I love country music.

spending the past couple days riding in missoula has made me fall in love with mountain biking again. I like it here. I am tired of the endless switchbacks, shale, drops, stairs and rock piles. it’s refreshing to ride different things. I enjoy the technical, but somedays I would like to be able to choose.

I realize tho, that having ridden in bozeman has made a better rider on the technical parts. granted, I am not nearly the agro rippers in bozoland, but when I rode mackenzie I realized how much easier the technical sections were for me now. they were tricky fun.

the trails here are sooooo groovy. what I always liked about mountain biking is that it filled my need for skiing on the off season. I like to go fast. I’d rather go fast than be negotiating a stair step of roots and drop offs.

my my. life is amazing. I returned to the treasure state yesterday after an awesome couple weeks on the road, sleeping in the dirt and being eaten by mosquitoes.

as predicted, I was sooo sad to leave James behind again, but as always, the closer I got to montana, the better I felt. I can’t wait for winter. James will be back, things will turn white and quiet. everything will be right in my world again. I miss him. with brittnea going through a break up it’s had me talking more about James and how easy our relationship really is. listening to brittnea also makes me see how well we communicate. we can say touchy things to one another, and though we might get upset about it for the time being, I love that everything feels open. I don’t lie to him, I don’t need to hold things from him. I can be completely open to him. I have no secrets, I also don’t feel like I need to report to him either.

there are things I’ve learned in my many years of dating. I think I take them, the experiences, for granted, but I feel like I spent some long hours talking with brittnea about losing herself in the relationship and ultimately taking that self-disappointment out on her partner and forgetting to actually tell him that he matters. forgetting to love herself and thus losing the ability to love others abundantly, with compassion and with out reserve. we’ve all been there. this has been my biggest down fall in any relationship and I have to work on constantly. I have to make myself to get out, to leave him for a bit. to roam. because I know what happens if I don’t take care of me. it all starts with me. my ability to love is a sad thing to waste, I want to love the world.

I expect both of us to be attracted to other beings in our life time, and there’s no shame in that. it’s perfectly normal and that is ok. but I also think maturity comes in understanding that even though you will meet people you are attracted to, it does not mean you ever need to pursue it, or act on it. rather, you might appreciate it happening, the feeling and observe it from the comfort of your existing healthy and balanced partnership. the one you also know and understand will never be the same if you cross that line. it’s at that moment you need to understand the true weight and ramifications of your choice. now that I am on the other side, the one that was cheated on, continuously lied to and betrayed, it has shifted my thinking to how could I ever hurt someone so deeply by doing something so stupid, selfish and ultimately meaningless as cheat on my partner. only to break his heart? as long as I love him, I could never hurt him. that fact alone is my strongest beacon.

on another note. kind words don’t cost a thing. I’ve learned to take care of my man. (dunno, ask James, I don’t know if he even realizes what I am doing and why I do what I do). I have learned to make sure that he knows. I understand he needs me to tell him, that I do, in fact, appreciate him. greatly. he’s never asked for this, but I know if I don’t tell him, how would he ever know? I think in many relationships we forget how to treat each other right. in general, as couples, most of us forget that we can’t read minds, and we don’t necessarily just know that our partner loves us, appreciates us or is even grateful that we choose to be their partner. if none of this is verbalized, how do you ever really know? and let’s face it, kind words, no matter who blesses them to us, elevate our hearts. no matter who you are, or what the situation is. then why not litter your partner with a steady supply of encouragements, acknowledgements, compliments and simply —love. if you love someone, tell them how you feel, because one day it might be too late.

and I do sincerely believe that since I tell him often how great I think he is, and often verbalize why I appreciate him, it helps ease his mind and in exchange I get trust, faith and freedom to roam.

it works both ways. all I need to hear from him is why he loves me every so often and I am content. I don’t doubt, I don’t sit around wondering, I get freedom to focus on other things. I get freedom to roam.

I took off monday morning, took my national exam in missoula tuesday, hugged some friends and headed west. I pulled off the road somewhere north of La Pine to sleep. kissed my boyfriend by noon on 4th of July.

spent a few days camping, enjoying mountain lakes, lazy rivers. enjoying the company of my best friend. it looks like now it’s time to move on and see more of these states. I’ve been bumming around for a week, time to get on with it. looking at shasta, thinking of a ski tomorrow or in a couple days. might head north to mackenzie river trail. want to bike around crater lake. those things this week. raft the deschutes next week.

I’ve never really spent much time on the east side of the cascades this far south. I have to say, that it’s a bit depressing. it’s impoverished waste land. not a single nicer house anywhere, most resemble shanties or dilapidated shacks with piles of old cars, metal and other junk in the yard. lots forest service compounds or mexicans who seem to ride 5 to a car, sedan or truck, no matter. it’s sad to see, but I appreciate that perspective. coming out this way really makes me appreciate montana’s beauty. how peaceful it is and even in it’s rugged redneck-ness—quite clean.

I’m sitting in a coffee shop in shasta, trying to focus on work, but I have too much on my mind, so many things to do, so little time. found out last night I passed my national exam, and officially became an EMT-B. just like that.

might go for a swim with moose in the afternoon.

it’s been a crazy few days. I skied some snow patches, quite large ones actually, in the tobacco roots on saturday. spent friday night in Pony, getting to know some locals. stayed up too late and got up too early for a ski, all of it was way more effort than it needed to be, all my own doing, but it was well worth it. rode up the mountain on the high seat in the bed of the pickup staring into the precipice of the washouts. exciting. good company, fantastic ski and a beautiful summit.

sunday we got together again and ran a healthy section of the gallatin river. I oared tim’s cat down the mad mile and through house rock rapids. we scoped it out on our way to the put in and I felt pretty comfortable with it. wee bit scared and nervous. Spencer took the adventure seat of the cat, patted me on the helmet, seemed sure that I’d do fine, and said go for it.

so I have been thinking. I have taken a lot of things I learned when I was a kid for granted. things like skiing, I learned it so young, that it’s second nature and I don’t remember learning how. like cross country skiing, or sewing, or knitting for that matter. shit, I know how to make rugs and churn butter and I am really good at making and tending fires. most of these things I have no recollection of learning. I do remember learning how to swim long distance tho.

so then there’s oaring. I have completely taken it for granted. it’s one of those things I just always assumed everyone knows. like riding a bike. though I do remember learning that too. wait. did I learn how to ski before I learned to ride a bike?? I don’t remember learning how to oar. I remember several years back I was with my ex in row boat in Finland. he got behind the oars and it quickly dawned on me he had no idea what he was doing. which seemed unfathomable to me, it surprised me. just like when I Spencer was in my boat, he asked me “you’ve seriously never done this before?” as in, you couldn’t tell that I had never oared anything through rapids. especially not that tight ones. I’ve paddled things, but never oared, not long rapids.

so I have come to an epiphany… this is not me bragging or anything, but fuck… I was born to do it. damn it, if there’s something I am actually surprisingly good at, it’s oaring a raft. thanks to Kenny for bringing me closer to white water and making me pilot my own ship. believing in me and never having any doubt I couldn’t do it. even thought I doubt myself often. I feel like I have had a big revelation. suddenly I understand the whole equation in a different way. the water, the current and I understand the oars and the boat and I love everything about it. I always have and I have wanted to get a raft for a long time, but been afraid. always afraid that I don’t have what it takes. Tim didn’t have any doubt when he helped me adjust the seat in the cat, hopped onto another boat, leaving me alone with his.

I like friends that push me to do things.

Klamath Falls.

there are lots of reasons for me to be proud of my mom. most of us do. setting aside all the things I love her for in raising me, just being my mom, I would like to talk about whom she is today.

my mom had a dream. like most things she has set out to do in her life, seemed to fueled by some kind of relentless perseverance. a disguised passion that transforms itself to relentless hard work. people have always wondered about my perseverance to come to this country and to get to stay here and I know it has been regarded with some admiration. some say passion. I always regarded it as some form of pigheadedness. going through that process, for me tho, never seemed like I was driven by passion. what drove me the most then, was that I saw no other option. I didn’t consider failing. I never once considered giving up. stuck it out by way of that same perseverance I recognize in my mom. she is like a rock. or tough meat.

she had a dream. maybe I fueled that dream along with my own dreams. she went full speed a head, dragged the whole family in with her and brought us closer than we have ever been. I have been there at times to help her a long, but when I see all the things she has made, built and created, I am incredibly proud of her. she built a legacy of her own. she built a romantic hotel with attractions, restaurants, boutique, day spa and all kinds of other crap to go with it. she made everyone become part of this family business.

I am reminded of times past. a situation that is of my own creation due to the fact that once again I didn’t stand up for someone and let them bully me into agreeing to things that are not fair, or just.

this stops here. I need to fight.