I say a lot of things here I shouldn’t. in general I have always said many things no one dares to say out loud. I am inappropriate. if there’s one place where I feel like I can be inappropriate and rant all these things out is this site. I feel safe here but lately that safety has been compromised by more than a few sources. when I began this process, I vowed never to let anything or anyone change my process or change the way I write. most importantly, I didn’t want to ever become inhibited in my writing solely based on what someone else thought about it. or when I knew other people were reading this. even those who shouldn’t.

I vow to hold my ground. this is my territory. if you poke yourself in here, you do so with your own risk. this place is my haven, my private diary. that just happens to be on the internet…. lol.

I have pondered if I should go private and if I should password this site. and here are some things I have decided. first of all, this is a very private place for me and the only people I have ever shared this site with are those who know me very closely. I think I have made the mistake of sharing site site with some folks whom were not as close. but instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I choose to rant about occasionally, I have decided to keep it up, letting go of those who won’t bother to get to know me any better but getting butthurt over some of the things I write about. those people have no place being here. really.

and I guess, as Kenny put it, I think I see my blog as a filter now. that is why “raking the sand” was mainly written as an experiment. as an experiment regarding someone. I long wondered why on earth she kept me in her occasional loop when it was always shrouded by a pretense of sorts. the thing is, that if she ever took an actual interest in our friendship, I would have just told her how I felt. if she was a good enough of a friend, we could talk about it. but the fact that she would do passive aggressive things, and really shitty things that make one question the basis of the friendship. never to discuss any of them, made me weary about remaining a friend. kinda reminds me of someone else I have let go of in my past. someone who could never say she was sorry. I realized a while ago that any event in our friendship was always dictated by her, and for a while I had always said that she would never go do anything if she hadn’t come up with the idea. kinda like with the wedding invites I was helping her with, I’ve never worked with anyone who wanted my help so badly, but didn’t want to accept it. and bitched me out in the mean time, because I wasn’t getting her project done …fast enough? all the while canceling dates to work together and not being able to find the time to work on them. and of course, there was never a thank you, or an apology. I really have met so many interesting people during my time in Bozeman.

I made my case.

that was a terrible idea. let’s not do that again.

I don’t mind being a part, but that truly is a long time. James and I finally skyped each other last night. I haven’t seen his face in three and a half months. seemed like we spent most of the conversation just staring at each other. hey, I think I remember you. and I might admit, I like you. blushingly, little afraid you might not feel quite the same way. like a bit shy to admit that I like you. oh gosh, I hope you like me too!

it’s like a first date with someone you already know you love like crazy. you just can’t remember the details. not quite being able to remember what it was you loved each other for. I just know that I do and will again. I wonder what it will be like to kiss him again. to wake up with him. to have a person in my life all of a sudden again after getting used to being alone.

some part of it feels unreal. there’s this guy out there somewhere that I’ve had a mad crush on and always miss sharing another moment with him. now he’s coming here. I get to keep him.

I’ll get to kiss him anytime I want.

I must admit I had one amazing summer. I reveled in me. the bliss. the life. the liberty, the true love in life and faith in me. faith in James.

no writing psycho shit.

then I leave again. I spent my last night with mom in Helsinki. we got a room at a spa hotel, treated ourselves to some neck massages, foot baths, peeling treatments and all kinds of steam rooms, saunas and mineral pools, amidst glasses of white wine and champagne. and a water slide of course. I loved being with her. I have always loved every minute with her. we work together a lot and I have always enjoyed that tremendously.

I can see the age in her. she looks great for woman of almost sixty who works her ass off. but it breaks my heart, you see, I always thought she would live forever. I worry about her often. I worry she drives her self too much. where will we be without her? how would I manage without her? god I love that woman from the bottom of my heart and not a day goes by when I forget to be amazed by her.

in the whee morning hours, I got up, she sleeping in a bed next to me, snoring away as she does. I took a shower, put my clothes on, combed my hair, closed up my bags and sat at the end of my bed, facing her for a moment before waking her up so say good bye. with every inch of my body I realized I did not want to leave. I felt like I couldn’t. though I did anyway, as I always do.

I love finland. I really do. I have for a long time, but I have finally come to terms with certain aspects of it that used to drive me crazy. they still do, but I tolerate them. somehow knowing that I don’t have to choose between two countries and that me staying there is only temporary makes me at ease. I guess I have always known this, but I am a person who needs constant change. I might never be satisfied with just one place. I need to know nothing is forever, and change is coming. I need to be able to get away on a healthy pace. and return. I have two magical places in my life that I get to keep. I have two amazing homes.

after 28 hours of travel, with a fantastic day wondering around in amsterdam, when I finally returned home, I was glad to be home. I’ve been gone all summer. after a barely slept night I got into my car in the morning to pick up moose and hang out with Rosanna for a bit. I drove to livingston and into the country side and it took my breath away. I realize how beautiful montana is. it was nice to notice it again and really see how amazing it is.

hope it snows soon. hope James comes home soon. I might be a little worried about when he does.. I have to get used to having him around again. I forgot what it’s like, but I know I’ll remember soon enough.

rossignol S7 in 178. moonlight ski patrol.

I feel complete.

I love being here momentarily with my friends and family. I love being finnish. I am grateful that I never quite had to let go of finland. and that especially now, I can begin to incorporate finland into my life in bigger steps and bigger doses. I am a finn, damn it. I am also an american. and I love many aspects of both. I also like being able escape both when I feel like it. I don’t want to choose between one or the other, nor do I feel like I have to anymore. the combination fits me. it suits me. it looks good on me.

I am in love with my life. aaaahgain.

I have plans of having a baby soon. in the next two years or so. I am not guite ready to give up my freedom and would like a couple more seasons of irresponsibility and reckless skiing adventures. I have a plan in place and I am working towards a certain goal. I think James is onboard with this as well. at least he doesn’t sound too opposed to it. as it is, he’d have a couple years to prepare himself for what’s to come. some aspect of this that might make him feel more comfortable, that he knows I would take care of everything and I can handle taking care of a baby and myself. not sure tho, maybe he thinks so, or is aware of it, maybe not. who knows, I never considered it until now.

hoewever, the truth of the matter is that it makes sense for me to give birth in finland and I have every intention of doing so. in essence I am setting things in line to eventually have the heath care and maternity leave of a finnish woman by the time I am ready for it. I think in the end, before it’s all said and done, I will end up spending upwards a year and a half in finland before returning back to the US with a child. James and I talked about this the other night and he told me he always wanted a pisces baby. funny thing, so have I. we have such a love filled house already, my dog never stood a chance. poor guy, all he knows is how to clear a cliff, run along my bike, swim and cuddle. cuddle cuddle cuddle. it’s almost a little embarrassing when he tries to cuddle with house guests and my friends. sometimes strangers.

strangely, and I feel slightly ridiculous about this, but the timeline of me being pregnant, prenatal care and eventual birth would fall nicely in line with James’ work and me being able to be in finland the times when I need to be, and if we were to get pregnant in may-june, he would be here in finland for the birth and the first couple months before needing to return to the states. and me following him little later with a four to six month old. meh.

I am a little embarrassed that I have planned this out so far. is that really so wrong tho, I feel like I have to start looking into the horizon for the things I want in my life and they way I want to do them. especially since I want to do this across two continents. I am kinda excited about working towards some goal like this… I have always operated with a long shot radar. I always see things further than tomorrow or next year. I have always been asking, and then what will you do?

haha! who is shocked here?

I have been working my ass off in finland. not like the insanity of christmas, but this time I have been able to get a lot of the work done that has been needing to get done. and I have a long list of things to do that keeps getting longer. I know that I am needed to do all this crap. often. but I like living at my parents, getting up early for my morning run, leaving by nine or eight for the hotel, spending all day working at the hotel. coming home late in the evening. reading a book and falling a sleep, to do it all over again the next day. everyone asks me if I am tired of always having to work when I come home, but in fact, I love it. I love everything about working at this hotel. there’s always so much that needs to get done and I barely have enough time to do everything.. or scrape the surface, really.

I can’t believe how fast time is flying by here, it always does. I miss James like crazy and as much as I don’t want time to go by so fast, as I want to stay here longer, I am still just so anxious to have James back home with me. so I have these mixed feelings of wanting it to be the 10th already so I can go home and see James, to not wanting time to go by so fast.

but I am sick and tired of missing James so much. I can bear it, but I feel like it’s getting to be tiring. it’s just such a long freaking time to be apart. we handle it very well, but seriously. next year he’ll try hard to be somewhere within 500 miles. I’d like that.

I want sex.

so, on another note. this is pretty stunning. I’ve forgotten how much the finns actually get in social heath care and general security and I finally filled an app to announce my official return to this country. I visited the office where I needed to do this and the helpful clerk there asked me if I needed to fill out an application for unemployment benefits as well while I was at it. asked me if I had a job since I left that part blank. I stared at him with my mouth open. really? um, no, I’m fine with just health care at this point.. if I could get that arranged, I would be stoked.

some words I have a hard time coming up with accurate translations. Puhditus could be akin to cleansing, ethnic cleansing. or a cleansing of a certain idealism in this case, communism, rather than any impure appearance. Vaino translates to persecution, thought I feel the connotation of the word in finnish is stronger to me than it’s english counterpart. I might be wrong.

yesterday Minka and I went and saw the movie called Puhdistus based on a book we’d both read. the book itself rocked my world. thought I didn’t find it a tough read, it moved me, just as all the other books I’ve read about our relatively recent and cruesome history. the wars, the military and the slaying of our kin and all. all by the hand of our neighbors, brothers and families. you never knew who might turn against you and turn up on the other side. who might point a finger, off you went and never came back.

I haven’t seen a movie in a while that shocked me as much as this one did. horrified because I know that even thought the book was fiction that the events held true to many people only a hundred years ago. though none of the finns were hauled off to siberia to die as they were in Latvia, they faced persecution and fear of whom might come storm down their door and slaughter your family. all fueled by rumors.

here I am again. this time it’s still green and pretty. I have been going for runs in the mornings when I wake up at some ungodly hour and I have enjoyed running on the ridge, in the forest and along the lakeside. pretty views, the prettiest place to run. I forget how humid it can be and I am generally dripping wet before I even get to sweating. smelling the autumn rot of numerous apple trees. love it.

we spent last weekend on the island. I haven’t been there in years since the hotel has taken up all our time. and I’ve pretty much only been here in the winter time since the summer I spent in finland when we first opened our hotel. I guess I could say it’s the truest home I know. I grew up on that island and it’s always held a very special place in my heart. I went to the point of the island and sat on what I have always called my rock. I spent hours there as a teenager, pondering about my life. finding intermittent peace during my stormy years. silence. just the water and the forest. my rubber boots. so many memories.

we heated the sauna in the evenings, as we always would. me and my little sister dive bombed off the dock into the brisk lake from the sauna. the heat from a wood burning stove is hard to beat. I can’t wait to share the sauna experience with James. bathing in the in the light of one storm lanter outside the window, mixing hot and cold water from the basin to find the right temperature and dumping scoops of water on yourself. I love every aspect about it and it’s one thing I miss terribly about finland. always. I love a good löyly and I love the steam from the stove so hot it burns my finger nails. that’s always been my measurement of a good löyly. everyone enjoys their saunas differently, I have always been more the abrupt sort, throwing water on the stove one scoop after another until I can feel the burn. aahhhh! ..and then having to jump in the lake to cool off and do it all over again. I love it!

me, mom, and my sisters spent the afternoons picking hordes of chanterells and blueberries. it’s fall here. i can feel it in the wind, the somber rainy nights and the rotting forests. I embrace every minute of it. I didn’t take the canoe out cause no one took care of the paddles. all I found was a rotting pile of wood that resembled the remnants of paddles and oars. I think the canoe is probably growing moss. oh well.

picked up a car off the hotel lot to drive around for a bit. I think it’s a ’73 (give or take) 142 navy blue volvo. hah! fun. I think I like it a lot. no power steering, old enough it has a choke, and all the lights and wipers are little pull tabs like in a bug. but runs like a champ and started right up. so much fun!

Minka and I made plans to go to porvoo tomorrow. I’m excited to check out the old town, I’ve heard so much about it. this saturday mom, Noona and I are heading to Paris. I want to visit Versailles, haven’t been there since I was a kiddo. perhaps the Louvre.

I love coming here for a while and working here. hanging out with family and friends. actually having some time to be a part of their daily lives. god, how I’ve missed it for all the years I’ve been gone. I am thankful for my life that I can do this now. I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend who supports my decisions and my travel plans. first man to ever really do so and not whine about it. I am thankful I have this amazing family. a home to come to. some really wonderful and genuine friends!

some of the happiest moments in my life have been when I’ve found the courage to let go of what I cannot change.

the older I get, the more opportunities I get to practice this. I’ve let go of a few people in my life. my ex saw the hardest to walk away from. though all my friends kept telling me to dump his ass, and I was trying, it wasn’t until I personally came to a point where I realized the only one I was hurting was myself by staying in touch with him. we each need to get there on our own. just like britt will get there on her own with jon. but since then, and well, since we were on the topic of letting people go, I let a few others go too. I purged.

just like I let my dad go. I don’t regret any of them, thought I’ve always felt very bad about walking away from someone. like it’s a shameful or a dirty thing to do, to leave people behind. but I’ve stuck it out. I think it’s my right to this life to purge the ones who suck the life out of you. I wouldn’t have minded had I learned this few years earlier. I think I wasted a large portion of my life in company of people whom didn’t make me better, just bitter. who kept taking, never really giving a whole lot. I’ve known a lot of people who wanted me in their lives just to make them feel cool. seriously this has happened. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been hanging out with someone and realized that the main reason I was standing there next to them is because I made them look good. or I just provide much needed company.

I feel like I’ve me t a lot of people in bozeman who take no interest in really getting to know me better, or seem so uninvolved that they don’t see why I might be awesome.

fuck, I think that’s it! maybe that’s what sets this town apart from towns like missoula. I feel like there I’ve met way more people who take an honest and general interest in who I am and what I have to offer. I was kinda used to that kind of a vibe in Portland too, where people are actually genuinely interested in one another. I’m used to making friends in a heart beat. I love making new frineds, and do so all the time. just not in bozeman. here it’s hard to get them to even talk to you, it’s almost like you;re dating someone and are too proud to admit you might like them, ro show any interest. as in like, showing genuine ineterst in a person is a shameful thing. it’s just weird! in bozeman, most aren’t interested in anyone else but themselves and their own little circle or agenda. and most seem to think they’re a bad ass. or maybe they don’t… but the skiing community sure can’t for the life of them ski with another person other than their trusted two.

I mean. don’t just assume that I don’t know my shit, why don;t you take the time to find out? “that’s the big boys club” what are you even saying to me? seven out of ten, I probably have more experience and knowledge in the mountains that you do any way.

you fucking day tripper.