for a better part of my life I have spent apologizing for who I am. somehow when I didn’t meet someone’s expectations of me as a person I apologized for letting them down. wtf.

I made a promise to myself. I promise to never again let someone touch me wrong and never to stand for verbal abuse. I promise to walk away from anyone who does so. I promise to never again make excuses for someone who behaves this way towards me.

I will never lie to myself again about who someone truly is and who I see them for. I will never again compromise my own well-being and safety for someone else or hide behind my own denial. I promise to understand that anger towards me is a result of someone’s expectations and no-one ever deserves verbal or physical abuse. …and I am not the piece-of-shit they made me out to be. I know who I am.

you’d think that all that would be a given, right? did I seriously need to live to be this old until I finally realize my self worth? is there any truth to the crazy idea that because I have always been strong I have come across people in my life who try to break me? or that maybe they think they can hurt me because I have such a tough shell that I should be able to take it? with my head down in shame, I admit it; I allowed it. that’s my excuse, what’s theirs?

towards the end, he tried to break me. I know he did. I saw it in him. why? he was jealous and angry about who I was and what I could do in my life. I think he was angry because he saw that I had a choice, he didn’t. he could never choose life for himself and he lived through it, for the most part, as it happened to him. that he saw that I could, in fact, change my life when ever I decided, made him incredibly spiteful. what did he expect? I don’t get it. I have spend a long time thinking about his motivations or his thoughts in the process. I have realized I will NEVER understand. I will never have any kind of closure, explanation to the things he did. some time ago, that made it incredibly hard to move on. so why do we always need a reason? an explanation? I would say now, that amazing power and growth comes from accepting the fact that closure will never come. that you simply have to let things be how they are. and. just. walk. away.

sometimes walking away is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. and understanding the fact that you will never have the last word. be okay with it. live with it and let it leave you.

I have noticed that I have been alone long enough that I have reached a certain level of comfort with myself that my self confidence has grown. I have always been confident, but lately that has taken on a different shape. an euphoria of sorts. I have found my best friend in me again. I knew it would come and it’s finally here. I finally made it to the space where I have ached to get to for a couple years. I knew it existed and I knew exactly what I was getting at, I also knew that only time would bring me here. nothing else, but time. I knew for a long time that I needed this. badly. I have needed to be able to completely redefine who I am as a person and that isn’t anything I could have ever found if I was in any kind of relationship with anyone. and certain part of me is somewhat bitter towards all those who almost tried to force it upon me. I said I didn’t want it, and my will was not respected. WHY?!!? but should I blame them? maybe it was my fault I wasn’t clear enough? but the again, I didn’t really know what I needed or wanted at the time.

but now, I feel like I can finally say.. I think I am a pretty cool person. I like myself. I know it’s an idiotic thing to say, but I finally feel it and am very happy with who I am. and very happy always to spend time with myself. I enjoy life looking at it from where I am, from my perspective.

I understand now that for a while my body and mind put on a mental block of sexuality, as well as blocked me from being able to be attracted to someone. I feel like I have crossed that threshold now, and it might be true that I might find myself to be more attracted to other people. maybe? I was pretty devastated by what happened to me. It has taken almost two years to recover, it’s amazing how someone can be broken and what ensues. I stand amazed.

this is silly, really.

I don’t care what the only youtube version on here sounds like, but this song defined my life for the past year (and then some), what I believed in and despite of all else, allowed me to believe in my personal dreams an make them happen. I usually can’t prescribe to one single band but they have moved me most since Mike Patton. lol. my god, this song kinda followed me to where I am. one that helped me stop and fall in love with what I saw and all the places I drove through. I lived a life so fast for the past year.. I wish I had it on tape. scream!

nonetheless. for what ever reason this one particular song I never get tired of and it somehow helped me believe that there was something else out there that I knew I could get to, that no one else believed in. or needed I guess. at least not how badly I needed it. my own ideas of my life and how I wanted to live it. who says you can’t get what you want? it hurts and comes with a price, but you can get it..

I wish I could give more thanks to this. to someone. I wish I could give someone, other than myself, the credit for making it through. I know I found it in me. But I also know so many who stood by, and they all know who they are… I love you. forever.

don’t you go looking so surprised, baby don’t you look so stunned. didn’t I tell you that a cold november’d come? and deliver the leaves from green to red, to blowing in the wind stone dead. well I never used to notice this awful quiet, and fall was just the calm before the next spring riot. of wildflowers and lunatic rivers -sweat jumping off of the skin of love givers.

scattered leaves don’t lie, aw’ now baby, baby, quit your cryin’. like everything that ever mattered, scit-scat scattered, like every love word you heard, but that’s just the way when you walk your days in the beauty of this world. pretty little disappointments all in a row, been about a year since you disappeared through my door, and now you come back with your head on straight, but I got no love or hate left for you now.

you must be the daughter of the late, late rose – I’m november’s son and I’m here to tell you, honey, what’s done is done, cause I’ve been claimed by the wind and the rain. I ain’t going back, no I ain’t no going back again.

I did kill something, and I think I finally realized, it was the pain I killed. I finally let go and regained control of my own life and no longer am a result of someones actions.

this is my life! mine.

I have been living with the scar and the pain for so long that when it was starting to leave me; I felt empty. I realize I have been consumed by it for so long that now that it has left me, for a while I didn’t know how to live without it.

it seems like a life time ago that I was still spending my energy on putting my heart back together. an eternity from the mass of the pain I now find almost unfathomable. it’s hard to think back and recall how much it hurt, hard to recall a sorrow so big that moves mountains. I managed to lived through it though and I am better now than I was. I thank my life for the strength I have been blessed with.

I remember when it all began, how shattering the loneliness was. a gaping hole that would not surrender, one I saw I had to walk into. suddenly I was completely alone with not many people to turn to. no one I wanted to talk to. I didn’t want to tell anyone. no one could offer any words of support or advice I wanted to hear. I couldn’t bare to even think about it and was horrified of momets spent immobile that would allow me any time to think about it. I knew all along I was only going to make it through it on my own. I would have to, no one could help me in any way and no one could take any of the pain I had. it was going to be a long hard road, but in the end, I would come out okay, most likely better. at the time it seemed so far away and I dreamed of the day when I would not hurt any more. the only thing I knew to do was to get in my car and keep myself moving until I would dare to talk again. until I dared to admit to anyone what had happened, what had been done. in the process I discovered the amazing world I live in, in greater depth than I already knew it existed.

I turned 31.

I looked around me in the sunshine, staring at the flat valley from the ridge of the Bridger range when my mom called. I smiled at life as a whole for the first time in a couple months. I remembered to thank this world, my amazing life in it and thanked my family and friends and for all the love I experience everyday. I shared a special day with good friends, beautiful views and amazing experiences and realized how lucky I am for the kind of life I have had the opportunity to choose. I wholeheartedly remembered to appreciate and give thanks to the life I am privileged to have.

my heart no longer breaks from events past. I am left jaded nonetheless. but the pain in my chest has disappeared, I am ready to carefully go on and build a life after the fact. I have learned a lot and give thanks for the experience. give thanks to have become so devastated that it gave me the strength to completely change my life and once again follow my dreams.

on Friday I met someone that made my heart skip a beat. I am shocked to find that maybe I am actually ready to meet someone. I have come far enough from my heart break that I actually might be ready to feel something for someone. I am shocked to have felt this or experienced this. I am not ready for it, nor do I know what to do about it and what would be the appropriate next step to take? for the most part, since I do not dare to dream of anything, nor am I willing to give up my loneliness I am inclined to do absolutely nothing. but most importantly, while I am scared, I realized I am okay with the thought and do not duck for cover horrified. well, close, but not entirely. actually, never mind, I am scared.

like I wrote recently, the thought of being touched or loved is scary to me and I shiver at the thought. I don’t think I will ever be ready, I might have to let it happen on its own, but I don’t know when I will ever be comfortable with it.

I have to share this because it warmed my heart. I spent my birthday in Livingston and my friend Megan raised her glass to me and said “happy birthday, I wish to be as cool as you when I turn 31”. thirty-one sounds old, by the way. I am an adult now. thirty still sounded like I was just beginning getting to be an adult. but thirty-one sounds like I should be an adult. I am. am I? with more time off and better toys and freedom to decide what to do with my life. you can choose to be a child for the rest of your life. I am.

I look around me in the sunset or at dawn. I look around me in the storm. I look around me in my little apartment and notice all my colors, I exhale in their light and I exhale for the icicles outside my window. I look around me from the mountain top with my heart fluttering, scared for my next line and give thanks to this life. If I died tomorrow I would die knowing that I have lived an amazing life.

I have lived a chosen life to every measure and I would not regret a thing. I have love for this life, I love every bit of it. every choice I have made in it. no matter how hard or the out come of it, I do not regret a thing.

live out loud

I love my family and I dearly love all the people who have chosen to have me in their lives. thank you all, for who you are and for everything you have done for me, for watching out for me, for believing in me, to have stood by me, to have shared adventures with me, to have loved this life with me. I could not ask for anything more, for any day in this life. thank you.

how far can a person get from intimate love that the thought of being touched, loved or kissed by someone who desired them with all their being, is so forgotten that I cannot even remember what it felt like? the kinda love where I gave myself to it and completely let go of all me fears and gave myself to be loved? it seems like in some distant dream, that I don’t think will ever come true again, I could possible love someone. so completely and have that very same person love me in return, and want me. and kiss me. and that I couldn’t wait to do it again. and couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I don’t know if it’s a problem with me, of letting someone in my life. I think it might be a combination of both; of allowing someone in and allowing myself to love them and at the same time, actually meeting someone that made my heart skip a beat. someone that for some radical reason made me give up all my fears and gave me the opportunity to stop protecting myself. gave me the opportunity to trust someone. should I keep waiting that this miracle might just one day walk in front of me? would I know it if it did?

in this process i am horrified that in the end I can only shell out love for my friends and my family. I want to be able to love someone who walks into my life. but to my horror, I have discovered myself incapable of loving freely (or at all) like I used to. I’ve gotten really good at loving people as friends and loving them for who they are, but the thought of anyone ever getting any closer than that, always makes me run for the hills. I am horrified of intimacy. I have seemed to convince myself that I cannot ever be intimate with someone, nor can I possibly open my heart to someone to let them love me, or let myself be vulnerable.

these changes are permanent, but I pray with all my heart that someone could accept me for who and what I am and love me so passionately as I wish to love them. someday. maybe? please?

I have returned from the homeland.

long pause.

for the first time in my life i saw myself an my family through the eyes of many observers. in a party of 150 or so, many came to personally tell me what an amazing person my mother was. how incrediably my dad was, or my sister. in so many ways, in one weekend i was told how amazing my family was. and though it was a celebration for my step-dad to reach fifty, it turned out to be a celebration of my family as a whole and I for the first time I saw my family in a different light. I have never been so moved by an outside source as to how amazing we are.

I have always said I have an amazing famille. But I thougth everyone says that. Which is fine, but for the first time I was moved to tears by the number of people who came forth to tell us that in person. and for the first time to have so many people witness us as a functioning group, pulling our best, for each other, to deliver the best for one of us whom we cared deeply for.

while there are many things that I desperately miss about my family, this was one to move me to the bone and nearly makes me willing to give up everything. just to spend the rest of my life in their light. I have many aspirations and suddenly none seem nearly as important as getting to share the rest of my life with the most amazing people on this planet.

I am boarding a plane to Finland tomorrow and I got to thinking. for a few weeks since I’ve known I’m going I have been relatively numb to the idea. haven’t really put a lot of thought into it. it seems I’ve done it so much through out the years that I’ve grown slightly dull to the excitement.

today I realized I’ve been relatively alone for a few months now. and that kinda equates to lonely. I am not complaining, it is exactly what I wanted, but in doing so I killed something in me. I haven’t really been able to figure out what and I have to be honest that for the first time in a while i have been feeling a bit depressed. somehow not able to get excited about much. I do a bit here and there, but I haven’t come across that utter bliss, high and love that has accompanied my life for the past year (right there, parallel with the pain and heartache).

should it be concluded that I have been hiding my pain under the blanket of screaming thrills, love and passion, and now that the pain is gone, it might seem there’s a shell left over that feels nothing. I go through these kinds of cycles in life periodically and I know this too shall pass. but it’s just that I feel like it’s been nagging at me a bit longer that I would like. I think it’s been prevalent since new years. …ok. so that would only be a month. that’s normal, right? and I’ll snap out of it soon and feel thrilled to be alive again..?

but the loneliness is starting to get to me now. I think I need to make more friends and be more proactive about getting out. it’ll happen. sometimes I wonder what the hell did I move out here for… but I think that’s a natural struggle anytime you uproot your whole life and change direction. change is good.

in the mean time though, returning to Finland, I realized how amazing it will be, once again surrounded by the people I love and who have known me for years. there’s something very grounding that happens when you get to spend time with your family and return to your roots. it always realigns me in a way, reminds me who I am and who I want to be. brings me back to center and helps me see.