so. I was sitting at a coffee shop working and scattered leaves by the be good tanyas came on. I don’t know why that song always makes me at ease and reminds me that life is ok. that everything will be ok. it reminds me to relax and let life happen as it comes and enjoy it as it comes.

it also reminds me why I moved to Montana, it reminds me where I belong now. it just reminds me to be happy, content, appreciate life… odd how it works that way. I love living in montana. it does the heart good. thank you for reminding me, I needed a reminder.

I’ve forgotten that sometimes in life people actually have an effect on you. sometimes others have the ability to make you sad. and scared if you let them into your life and let your self feel something for them. nothing has happened, but I have been reminded. it’s the potential of being hurt that scares me.

this is ridiculous.

apparently I have done a pretty thorough job of shielding myself. now I realize it’s almost.. well.. absurd. it’s surprising that I have been single for so long now that I have forgotten what it feels like to place expectation on someone. to be asking something of someone. I have asked before…  how can I now trust someone? I find it absurd that I am the one asking. a month ago I would have never thought to find myself here.

the things I doubt myself for are merely my ability to let someone in my life. to avoid exactly this. to remember what it feels like to hurt and change my mind because of it and decide, that after all, I’d rather be alone. I haven’t felt hurt in a long time and it has been a blessing. I realize now it has been my safe haven. I see now how much I have actually protected myself and how far I’ve gone with putting up walls around me just to protect myself from ever being hurt again. once again I stand amazed by how much changed by what happened. how much my trust on another has been broken. I don’t really have much faith any more. on anyone. other than myself, for myself. can I believe that there’s someone out there who’s promise I can trust? that someone would be different?

with all this comes a compromise. a price you have to accept. I am just not sure I am willing or ready to accept that price or if I want to. in fact, my instinct is to run away. when it all started happening I was blissfully ignorant to the fact that I could actually get hurt. so caught up in the moment that I didn’t really care since I’d completely forgotten what it felt like. it was all supposed to end anyways. in departures and not in broken promises, right??

I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I resent it. I am scared again, but if I just run away, I don’t have to be. I could keep me safe.

I have been thinking.

with happiness comes a quiet. a peace I have been searching for. peace allows me to stay home for a weekend and not be disappointed and angry with myself that I didn’t climb some peak this week.

I have questions in the back of my mind I haven’t quite dared to ask myself yet. I am not sure what they are yet. I realize that with happiness comes a certain ease of life. I’ve come to understand that staying after my fire is exhausting. while I live for the adventures and the outdoors, the fire that keeps me after all of it is fading. I am not saying that now that I am not heart broken that I would somehow stop climbing peaks and lay low. not at all, you all know that is not who I am. not at all.

but what I think I am saying.. is that it’s ok for me to relax sometimes. I want to live in montana where life is simple, joyful, easy and abundant. yes, all those things at the same time.

there’s something about getting done with a days work that kicked my ass to the point where it’s not that I just feel tired, it’s that I can feel my muscles are tired. that most muscles in my body throb and ache because they have been pushed so far.

while I am out, pushing my body to that kind of exertion, the thoughts that go through my mind… just one more hill, you can do this one! just keep going, just one more push, just one more, just one more.. up, up, up.

I can never be with someone or date someone who does not understand how freaking rad it feels to push yourself to that point in the mountains… nothing makes me feel more alive than to be so challenged to kick my own ass to a point where I am not sure I can do it anymore, but somehow just manage the strength and keep doing it. knowing that failure is not an option, at times your life depends on your strength and ability to perform.

you could conclude that my summit plans are those of a person who is chased by something. maybe a year ago the were just that, but now they aren’t. why am I so fired up on doing all this stuff and kicking my own ass? and why am I such a rarity? I have always been a bit alienated by the fact that most can’t keep up with me. most aren’t as into doing the things I do.. in the same degree that I do..

like, one day to the next.

when I was headed to Portland I was slightly worried what I would find. granted I had dreamed of moving to Montana or some place similar for years, but when I left, I felt like I was driven out of town equally as much as I just dreamed to be some place else, knowing that my time in the city was up. but coming back here I was slightly worried I would find that a part of me left for the wrong reasons.

coming back to this city also reminds me of what I left behind. I am relieved to find, it doesn’t even make me flinch. life goes on. there are a few I let go willingly, some grudgingly. and a few, whom I wish I wasn’t letting go, but understand that their moral character no longer has room in my life. life’s too short to share with those who’s lack of integrity in life and relationships remains in question. no thanks. never again. therefore it’s better to walk away and appreciate all those who are in my life, who choose to be and whom I love, just for who they are. who were there when I really needed them and who love me just how I am.

as much as I absolutely love this city and think it is the most amazing city I have ever seen, I realized that tho I miss it, my life in the city is, without a doubt, over. I miss the pacific northwest and the rain like crazy. I miss the fall, summer.. all the seasons for all the different things they have to offer. part of that is due to having lived here for 8 years and feeling like it is my home, and I know I will eventually feel the same way about Montana. I realize I have fallen in love with my life there, it’s hard not to. I look forward to becoming better friends with it. coming back here, I realize how much I appreciate Bozeman. I love the lack of people, the quiet, wide open spaces, I could get lost in Montana. I am staying there.

it’s really good for me to experience this and to have the chance to reflect. to finally know in my heart that I made the right decision. I kinda had to come back here just to make sure and I am relieved what I have found. it’s clear to me now.

regardless… Portland is in full bloom. rain showers, flowers, birds, gentle breezes. people out enjoying the sunshine. out in the parks, riding bikes, walking their dogs, going out to lunch, getting afternoon drunk, going to the farmers market, shopping for organic and healthy foods, smiling and being happy. waving at me. I am smiling on my bike, loving life. it’s amazing to be on my bike again to relive what I love about this city.

it’s good to visit, but I belong in the mountains…

every bit of it is weird. new, unusual, against my current protocol. I can’t believe I made a promise to someone. in my heart, I doubt myself. doubt my ability to pull through and my ability to keep a promise to another being. I don’t know how I got roped into that one and how I managed to let go for long enough to let it happen. I am not worried about him, I am pretty sure he will be there as promised. but what about me? I feel like I didn’t really think it through and I don’t want to end up being the one (once again) disappointing someone’s hopes and letting them down especially since I actually made a promise of some sort.

the whole thing is just strange and funny. to be glued by the hip for a solid week, each knowing the good byes are inevitable. being equally baffled by the fact that, yes, it really has only been a week. then in the eve of departure making promises to one another of some distant effort to come. how will it be next week? how will it be a month from now? I want this. I want to promise. I want all of it, just because it’s him, but can I keep a promise? should I? in general, WHY am I making commitments and promises to another person? it’s an odd thing to do. to make such a promise just after one week, but I guess we thread in the same water and it makes total sense for both of us.

rent-a-boyfriend.

last night I hiked the M again in the thunder and the rain, stood there crying my heart out for all the infinite happiness and sadness all at the same time. bleeding my fucking heart out in the pouring rain for something I haven’t felt in a long time. sopping wet in my muddy chacos, I was washing away with the rain and I felt so alive it hurt.

I wish I could freeze up time and keep this moment. I am head over heels and it fucking hurts. I have an empty feeling I never want to fill and this nervous feeling I don’t want to go away. with all this comes a pain, for the first time in ages, I am willing to take. I don’t care. I would spend another night and deal with tomorrow when it comes. it’s an overwhelming feeling of wanting to spend every waking minute and not wanting to let go. I have so completely forgotten what I am capable of. and that I have an overwhelming capacity to love. and I can’t even begin to describe how good it feels to receive the attention and affection from someone you are dying just to touch you in the first place.

last night I fell asleep to him stroking my back. he was doing so to send me to sleep. he makes me nervous to see him, but when I am with him I feel like I am home.

I am in big trouble.

so.

I am shocked and baffled and don’t know what to do with what I am handed with. I have forgotten what it felt like to be head over heels for someone. I’ve forgotten the nervous butterflies in my stomach and I’ve forgotten the elated feeling of letting go and letting someone love you. waking up in the morning next to him, wanting to spend every waking minute with this person. when they’re in the room, they’re the only one you see. someone who lights up your day just by who they are. it’s weird to be so amazed by one single person! I have forgotten how much you love and admiration you can have for someone when they walk into your life. and then there’s the inevitable arrival of saying good bye and living with hopes and dreams of being together again.

I don’t have words to describe how thrilled I am to be in the company of this person. how much he makes me smile and be so blissfully happy about life it’s almost wrong. the connection is electric, he gives me goose bumps. he makes me laugh and admire his energy. he makes me feel like I have known him for years. and I know it’s mutual, he’s told me so.

is it okay just to give into it and enjoy it while it lasts? I am willing to deal with the aftermath as long as I get one more day, one more hour with him.

for a fleeing minute someone walks into your life. only for a few days …and you know it’s only for a few days. someone that makes you amazed and you find yourself elated by the sheer existence of this person. it’s a bit shocking. and I am willing to take the ride since I already see end in sight.

they say that two pisceans together is like an ocean of emotion, passion and a love so divine it seems like a religious experience. to experience such a downpour of loving rapture, it’s ridiculous. it is making me surrender. we all know that’s big coming from me. and I feel safe about it… I am willing to take the leap knowing that it will end in departure and not in broken promises. I’d rather not ask for anything or expect anything. it’s better that way. and I won’t tell him any of this. I promise.

skiing is what defines me. since I left my heart behind and walked away broken, I have turned to skiing and climbing for solace and refuge. last day of lift access in Montana was yesterday. I woke up this morning, stressed out about what I would do with my life now. what would keep me excited and make me feel like I was thrilled to be alive?

It’s silly. that’s how much skiing means to me and that’s how scared I still am of being still. worried that I might look around me and notice the fact that I am alone.

life is amazing though. I have been spending time with someone lately who has reminded me of how grateful I am of the priviledged life I get to live.

I have no obligations to no one. no family, no kids, a selection of friends… whilst life is hard and empty because of these facts, it is also amazingly free and blissful. I love being able to choose. I have a choice. I always have a choice… is that choice worth it when in return you are essentially alone? will I ever come to a point where I would be willing to make the sacrifice of building my own family? is that even possible the older I get and the longer I get to live so free? it’s a clear path I’ve started down.. and I really am not sure if there’s such thing as being able to give it all up since I’ve gotten on that train.