hiking a mountain ridge in the sunshine, avoiding the thunder clap circling us. climbing up a chute to the next line. it’s just us, surrounded by snow and the mountains.

sitting in my kayak, listening to the birds and forest. laying in the grass, listening to the river. sunshine above, trees around. blue eyes next to water. my naked body caressed by sunshine and kisses. it’s just us, surrounded by nature.

this is nice.

since I graduated with my marketing degree I have found that the lessons I learned no longer apply. that was two years ago. it was fun for a bit and I am kinda glad I got to experience traditional marketing for as long as it lasted, but since then the whole world has been turned upside down.

I am spending my evenings reading marketing articles and books. while many concepts apply, the platforms and route finding have changed. I have always been intuitive enough to understand how people think, react, operate, what makes them tick (or click) and what engages conversation, but it has taken me a good six months or more, to fully begin to comprehend the realm I am playing in now. while facebook has taken over as the be all social platform, and many are trying to shove, it is also becoming crowded and I wonder how long until we have to engage yet in another format. like the rise and fall of all great countries in history, the rise and fall of world dominating social sites also gain their momentum and are eventually crippled by their size and shortcomings become their down falls. will our social media and interaction follow the same pattern until we find world peace and begin to level out? eventually increasing the life span of each site? how long until facebook becomes spam ridden, overtaken and reworked to the point of user frustration?

nonetheless, all the things I am learning about marketing today are all things I am trying to apply to my current position as well as, eventually, into developing my own business. and on the side, to a mild degree, developing my own business plan.

in short, I feel like I am in school again. this time for real. I feel like now it’s more concrete and social media has become a reality for many years to come in my life. well. here I am.

a dear friend once said to me, when I was still having a rough time, that a true blessing is in finding someone who loves you because of all the things that make you you, and not in spite of those things.

a long time ago someone made me believe that if I ever loved someone, I would not get their love in return. for some time I have built my life based on the idea that no one would want me and love me because of who I am. there have been many who have loved me, but not for all the things I think I am worth loving. I resolved to love myself and leave everyone else out of it. cause in the end if I don’t, who will. in the process I convinced myself that I was incapable of experiencing love with someone else and even more so I realize that I became convinced that all these little things which make my life worth living and make me happy, are also things I would never expect someone else to love me for. these are things that make me, what make me love me, and love my life.

I realized that if someone couldn’t love these silly things about me, that are deadly important to me, they never really loved me at all. these are the little things that make me happy. in that light, I would rather spend a lifetime alone, than to compromise any of those things just to have a partner in life. I want complete love, not conditional love. in fact, conditional love is abusive. I have experienced it. I became to protect the core of me and vowed never to let anyone touch me there again. I came to believe that while I love myself for all that I am, I could not expect someone to love me for all those things as well. I had given up hope that someone would come along and not try to change me, but to allow me to change whenever it comes. I didn’t tattoo it on my body, so allow me to change and grow with me. or someone to actually appreciate the fact that I wear funny things, that I like to sit in the woods or that I like to drive fast or that I like to get on top of a peak and that, yes, I am irresponsible and would sell all my belongings just to ski. or that sometimes I am just flat out reckless. and that sometimes I just need to cry.

getting down to the bottom of this really. what this all means, and why I am letting this all go, is because how much I feel like he gets me. I know there have been people in my life who love me for who I am, and would have loved to be just this for me, but there’s something more about the part that I feel like while he might appreciate me for how I am (so far so good), he also contributes to my fire, which draws me to him like a magnet. I can relate to him, like he’s from the same make as me. different model, but same make.

this morning I woke up in Island Park and had to get on the road to make my way back to Bozeman. I drove through the fog as the sun was burning off the layer and getting started on the day. I was/am incredibly happy. for a few reasons, I was stunned by the beauty of this land I get to live in and I just spent another long weekend with James. the summer is coming and as madly as I would love to spend it with him forgetting about time and getting lost in the woods, streams, meadows and mountain tops of this amazing place, I revel in the simple thought that he makes me happy and his presence is intoxicating. I’m thinking he’s my personal brand of heroin.

something about island park smells like a retreat. a getaway and a place where you can get lost in the woods and be at peace with life. I could spend forever being lost in the woods as long as he’s there with me. I don’t care where we are, as long as it’s quiet and we don’t need to pay attention to anything else. and even more so I love the fact that I feel like I don’t have to hide the way I feel. there’s no need for games or secrets. I feel safe being open and honest, and I love him even more for letting me be this way. for creating a happy and safe environment for me to be in. to love in and enjoy life in.

on my drive this morning a thought crossed my mind. I have always thought there’s a direct correlation to the way someone drives, to how they live their lives. in my mind, this is the closest explanation I can come up with as to why I love his energy so much. I realized he drives the way I would like to be driven. the way I would drive. the way he drives, from day one, had me figured he could keep up with me ….or even beat me to it?

I used to worry a lot. to the point of some kind of a bodily ailment. I have noticed that worry creeping in every now and then. especially lately and I am not entirely sure why. I need to keep working and doing the things I need to do so I stay ahead stress.

so, today I was driving to work and wondered what is it that I stress out about. I stared at the mountains and realized that as long as I am not dying and I am okay in body, mind and spirit, then everything is just fine! I worry about my career, my job, money, my health, my car, my house, my family, my relationships… the list is endless, and they are all miniscule little things that will not hurt me on the long run. it kinda makes me feel like an idiot that I worry about these things. I feel like I should know better, or that I am better than that, I should be. most of these things are manageable, workable or simple things that happen in life that, for the most part, are just a part of life. and if something happens, then it just happened and I should again remember what I used to preach myself: If I can change it, then do what I can to change it, and rest of it, let it go. I am not sure at which point did I start worrying about all this again and why I have become somewhat scared of life, so to speak. why I have forgotten to relax and let life happen.

all of a sudden all this started. like a month ago? I feel like I am changing. I am no longer sure which direction I am heading. it might be because I am currently not skiing a ton, I don’t have the homies to climb peaks with, in essence I am like a fish out of water. sitting still. waiting for something. just not sure what. I need to get out an ski before I loose my mind!!!!

…and breethe. life is peaceful here in montana. simple and easy. let it be just that.

I just want to say. more as a personal note to myself. don’t forget how good it felt coming back to montana after a month in oregon. while I had a great time and I have a lot of people I love over there, I watched myself relax the closer I got to montana. finally when I made it over the passes and laid my eyes on the big wide open sky and the bridger range I knew I was where I wanted to be. it gave me big grins and I think I may have even giggled out loud that this is my home. I get to stay here.

and unlike in the fall when I was making my way back here a few times and had no friends to count for (besides McFrye), this time around I had a lot more to come back to. a lot more. I think I love my life more on this side of the mountains. it’s quiet, simple, easy, relaxing and I like the blue eyes in my life.

here’s a thing I’ve noticed tho. when you let someone so close, all those things I’ve guarded myself for are now out in the open. I feel like I can’t keep things from him if I continue to let him be in my life and I have to be okay with the fact that I become transparent. and this wall that I have put for the past couple years is now.. well, he can get to the other side of it and I hope he will like me just for who I am. I think that’s what I am still inherently scared of. as if one day he’ll figure out I am just a sham. or he’d decide I am not what he thought I might be. this is not to say that I’ve really pretended to be anything that I am not and I think generally I am very honest and open about who I am, but somehow, I am still afraid that someone will look at me and choose to look past the cool stuff that makes me me, cause in the end I am just me. nothing more, nothing less. and in the end I hope that ‘me’ is plenty for someone to want to keep.

this is why, long time ago, I resolved to trust no one but myself. since me and I are great together.. (chuckle) and I don’t want to put myself in front of someone to be judged through their eyes. the last time I loved someone, I trusted him and took his judgment to heart… and, well, we all know what happened there. no one deserves to be judged so strictly by another. we all have different pasts, goals, thoughts, dreams and more than anything a different frame of reference. no one in this world has the right to harshly judge another to such degree, when we don’t have the slightest idea of what hurts us, what motivates us or breaks us down… how dare he.

so when do you begin to believe again that someone could actually be loyal to you and that you can trust them not to break your heart? now, I understand that heartbreak is a part of life. people fall in and out of love all the time, but what I mean by heartbreak is when someone deliberately hurts you and does things to you that are dishonest, lack integrity and break your heart in way of cruelty, not just by falling out of love. I hope that someday down the road I can trust someone again. blindly. yes, I said it, of all my dreams of family, children and partnerships the one thing I seek the most is the ability to love someone openly, honestly, without reserve now, and know, in my heart, the I can trust them not to disappear without explanation, or worse, with hatred, and place my trust on their loyalty without a doubt. is that too much to ask? does that exist at all today? how can you ever build a happy family if you know the love or partnership is temporary. they always are. I think that’s the reason I’ve never landed with kids yet and I always figured I would end up a single mom. which is a future that seems inevitable, but at least for the first few years of the child, could there be a dad too? if I ever doubt my own integrity ever, one thing I know about myself, is that to those who deserve it and those who I love I will always be extremely loyal to and I will be there.

but despite all that, I just wanted to say that I am happy. I am glad to have done what I did with my trip. I am glad I got to see the two sides and got to return to montana all over again. and all the things I’ve struggled with when I moved here are all slowly washing away.

in short, I am happy. quietly happy. that’s all.

it makes me scared beyond belief, it makes me expect things, it makes me moody and it makes me walk around with this constant stirring in my stomach. my god. I am in love.

so, we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. when we barely knew each other. we talked it over last night and we both agreed that we are going about this in a very unusual manner. we agreed, made commitments and promises and then started to get to know each other. what makes all of this horrifying is that it seems we are both head over heels for each other and are both equally scared since we don’t really know each other. and therefore, don’t really trust each other either.

I have never experience something like this. I am falling for him hard and can’t stop it or take it back. I don’t know how to, I have lost all will power to fight it, and I am torn between wanting to run away cause it scares me, hurts me and makes me shake and tremble like a leaf. my heart feels heavy and my palms sweat. I give out heavy sighs because at times it’s almost hard to breathe.

I forgot what it feels like to fall in love. since things past, I am not sure what the protocol for being in love is. I would like to tell him that I love him. NOT in the way of all encompassing and complete unconditional love, but in the way I love many people in my life. the way I want him to love me at this point too, just for how awesome he is, and how awesome I am and how great we are together. I would like to tell him this, but how can you tell someone this and not have them take it the wrong way? it’s ok for me to tell my friends I love them and I do so from time to time, even some that I just recently met, just because I think they are great and I love them. and that’s how I would like to love James.

I am in such deep shit it’s not funny. I try to relax, breethe, let it happen and try. not. to. freak. out. but it just seems kinda hard.

I feel like I have known him or years, when he holds me I melt and tingle all over. he makes me laugh and smile and forget about all my worries. when we are together I feel like I am a puzzle piece, fitted to his body perfectly. even in the dark I can see him smiling when he reaches over to kiss me. when he holds me I swear I can feel the love pouring from him onto me. my chest feels heavy and I feel like it’s hard to inhale. all I seem to have been doing as of late, is exhaling. it’s intoxicating. like I have been drugged. how is it even possible to feel this way about someone. I feel like he makes me loose my shit and I am slowly coming undone.

so yes, I am freaking out. I feel like I am falling out of control and I can’t stop it. I am losing my grip. I am loosing my composure and I am turning into a crazy person. I am loosing my ability to dictate my life and it scares the fuck out of me. this is the miserable and agonizing feeling of falling in love. it sucks. it just maybe one of the worst things to have happened to me in a long time.

what. to feel something? that just made me chuckle: it horrifies me to feel something for someone. because I am worried that I will get hurt. you know, I don’t think that getting hurt is necessarily the worst thing. I have just been so severely traumatized by what happened last time that what is happening now, in my eyes, is terrible and probably one of the worst thing ever.

did I want this?

I was sitting on Ladd’s addition in one of those circles of blooming roses, smelling the wet pavement and the green grass. when the skies were a consistent shade of gray and another sporadic down pour rolled by. I got soaked, sitting in the rain and cried all over again for the infinite beauty of it all.

as much as I love montana and can’t wait to be back, I feel like portland is my home. I think nothing of being here, but I actually love every bit of this city.

I’ve filled my life with millions of expectations for myself and others. I am believing in lessons of letting things go and let them lie where they may. I am returning to Montana in a week. I am a mixture of confused feelings of being ok with my expectations of myself. wondering if I am admitting things to myself or just telling myself these things. what’s the difference? I am the only person who expects these things from myself, therefore I am the only person to change them and no one has the right to be disappointed in who I am and what I choose.

it’s okay that I didn’t climb 8 peaks while I was here. I climbed plenty. I still lived, loved and saw what it was all about. reminded of the right things I needed to see. weighed my life as I’ve made it, now with confidence and comfort, knowing what I want. knowing where I am, who I am, where I stand, and willing to let life happen.

I am staring outside the coffee shop window at the grey sopping mess that is Portland. I feel like I needed to get it out of my system. I am glad I did, otherwise I would always wonder. I am sure of the choices I made and who’s to say I wouldn’t find myself in the PNW again sometime soon (maybe bellingham?). but in the mean time I need to learn how to live again. I feel like I have merely started to again and part of me coming back here was to seal the deal that it was over, and that I am forever. to verify that many things in my life are now over and there’s no sense in longing. I am older, all the more wiser and sometimes I think with this heavy age comes a happiness that is more intense, colors that burn brighter, and a sadness that is very real, thorough and permanent.

I had a dream of him last night. in my dream I spoke to him and was nice to him. I have thought about him since I came back here and now am actually acknowledging how much he changed my life and how sad I am about everything that happened. for a very long time I have been angry, but today I am nothing less of a confused person over the ordeal. it’s sometimes sad how much I still carry with me and how much it still confuses me. I know everyone would say it’s sad, particularly sad how much it effected me. but finally, coming here, while it stabs me, I also had to be able to be in this city and not feel scared or threatened by him.

he loved me but he didn’t know who I am. and all this, finally, for once in my life, makes me shut up, hold still, breethe life in. it’s helped me get to where I have wanted to be: absolutely still.