we started out in Bozeman. spent saturday floating the madison river after a breakfast in the all american diner, the Western Cafe on Main street. we set out on a rainy sunday into Paradise Valley that turned out to be completely encased in a thunder/snow/rain clouds. go figure.

we dipped into the boiling river for a few hours. continued down to mammoth hot springs, saw some animals. a buffalo sauntering down the road, blocking traffic. also saw a grizzly cub. saw bubbling mud, grand prismatic spring in a snow storm. James came and found us. we drove out of yellowstone and camped for the first night. thankfully it stopped snowing, the stars came out, and we had a good fire and nice dinner cooked on the fire.

in the morning James and I laid in the tent for hours. I didn’t want to get out of the tent. neither did he. the sun was out, I cooked breakfast, and we drove on to the tetons and Jackson. got a hotel room. we ate, napped, went out, sat on the saddles in the Cowdoy bar. bought a coozie.

tuesday morning dawned way too quickly, we had breakfast and I had to kiss James goodbye, not knowing when I’d see him again. we got on the road and drove all night until we finally scoped a camp ground with the direction of photos taken of a gazetteer at a gas station. voila. we found it and in the morning woke up to stunning red cliffs in the desert. wow!

we broke down camp, made breakfast and got back in the car. suddenly in 80 degree heat. made out way to the north rim of the Grand Canyon. Minka was horrified of the hike out to the ledge. Jarmo and I poked around and took pictures. later we had chili dogs and drinks on the rim, enjoying the view.we got back in the car and arrived in Las Vegas a few hours later. I was horrified. we found a Travelodge right on the strip and went out for our first adventure that night. we were very quickly over whelmed by the craziness of it all. the next morning we did not leave the hotel room in any hurry. I think we finally made it out around 2pm for breakfast.

that night Minka and Jarmo got remarried by Elvis. the King. we celebrated, Minka got a pink veil, I wore boots and Jarmo had a flower. we adventured in Vegas, got drunk on piña coladas. made memories. watched shows.

the next morning we got back into the car and headed out into the vast void that is the Nevada desert. my, my! field lunches from the back of the car and torturous heat. we drove into the night and landed a camping site somewhere at the base of the mountains before you climb into Yosemite proper. had a lovely fire and another cold night. vino and dinner, breakfast ready in the morning in the sunshine!

we drove into yosemite, I was stunned by the round boulders and rocks everywhere. by the hundreds of people we saw on the walls. I could see how amazing it would be to spend time in yosemite, to grow on those walls. there was such a variety of walls to climb and there seemed to be a lot of ones I could climb with comfort and enjoy.

after yosemite we got into San Fran. got a room and proceeded to tour the city for two days. got afternoon drunk in china town for no good reason and the shopping thing with the ladies just got out of hand. or at least that’s how Jarmo might put it…

after San Fran, Napa Valley wine sipping. Then onward towards Oregon! We spent the night in the mountains in northern califoria, just south of Mt Shasta. In fact, we drove up to bunny flats and had breakfast/lunch there. it was nice to see my mountain again. miss her!

since we ended up with an extra day we desided to take a detour to North Umpqua river hot springs. those are nice pools on the side of a cliff. lovely! we did the sort hike in and spent a few hours enjoying ourselves in the fantastic bright blue pools. that night w made it back into portland. it just so happened that Po’ Girl was playing friday night! Dan, Kenny, Mike came out to party with all of us and we had an epic night of too much drinking and chaos. party people!!

after a few days in pdx of seeing friends and loved ones, we continued to the last leg of our trip. stopped by at Multnomah Falls on the way out, got another crushed penny and kept going across the flats, through the tri-cities, into the grass lands all the way over the ranges, past old mission church, through wallace idaho, down the other side of the range and into missoula.

spent the night in missoula with wonderful Brittnea and Jon. next morning finished our trip with a tour of Gardiner Ghost town and arrived back in bozeman in the afternoon. enough time for Minka to shop at the Dollar Store and Wal-Mart.

Love you!

so. I was sitting at home. scrubbed the floors, cleaned the garage, melted the freezer, organized my closet. and despite having this off-kilter feeling all day over humanity, it suddenly dawned on me how happy I was to spend an evening by myself at home. I thought how far I have come from being scared to be alone or being still for a moment. and how, now at times, I truly bless these moments. when I leaned over the kitchen sink, washing a pot, I suddenly realized that I was going to have a fun night tonight.

I turned on music, opened a bottle of wine and got on with the project that is making lasagna. by the time I had made it to the white sauce, some sappy song took it’s turn on the ipod, as I listened to it’s corny lyrics of some heartbreak or other, it hit me that I was living now without it. and realized how long I had actually lived with it. it’s insane to think how long it took me to get over my past. and I still think about it. often.

and I still sometimes live in disbelief that I have actually finally recovered. and it’s crazy how much it changed me. I know I say that all the time, but when I look back, I am thankful of how dramatically my life changed. there’s no other place I’d rather be now, and I know that with out it I probably would have never achieved my dreams. would have never even really figured out what those were …and these are it.

tonight I stood in my kitchen and scoffed out loud over the realization that I don’t hurt anymore. and it’s almost odd to live without now. but it’s awesome that I’m finally free and I finally love myself and I love this life.

I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT WHERE I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TO!

I believe in the good spirit of people and I would like to believe that people do not like to harm one another. when I find otherwise I am always saddened and disappointed. and after what I had to live through, helplessly watching myself be treated like shit, not being able to do anything about it but stand by and watch. take it in stride and walk away, with all my bitter hurt and words left unsaid. taking it all with me and making it my crucifix for two years to come. the aftermath.

when I experienced this I did inventory of all my friends and chose to leave a few out of my life because I could not agree how they treated others around them. I promised that I would no longer make excuses for others and their bad behavior.

suddenly I have a friend justifying her actions that I cannot agree with. I have big questions about her integrity. there seems to be a mentality in this country “it’s not my business”. but I believe it is your friends’ job to tell you when you are behaving poorly and your actions are compromising relationships in a very small community. it hurts me to watch it happen to someone and I think I am overly sensitive to it.

in my thirty some years of living I have learned that if someone is capable of treating another person this way, it is also a fact that nothing stops them turning around at some point and doing the same to you. remind me to keep my exes away from her. it kinda makes me lose faith all over again in the goodness of people and sisterhood.

I feel like I cannot be friends with her right now because of what she has done and how defensive she is about it. all the while bad mouthing those who are true friends around her.

much like the vermin seeking for a home indoors, sensing the approaching cold, I begin to change. my patterns change, I can smell it in the air. I can smell the fall. the leaves about to turn and the tips of the mountains painted white in the morning. it makes me excited. I want to curl up at home, make a cup of hot chocolate, cook pork loin. sit and wait. watch things turn outside from the comfort of a fire. my tomatoes hang on and I am waiting for one to turn red, counting days. theirs and mine.

I realign myself for the approaching winter. anxiety building, suddenly seeing this town as a different place. my last winter here I fell in love with this town, the amazing whiteness and the cold. the rainy fall nights and sunny afternoons in the biting cold. the yellow hills and snowy mountains. warm cup of coffee on the way to the mountain, standing on the ridge an hour later. driving to the boiling river after a rad day of skiing.

while summer has been fun, it has seemed short. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but I am ready for winter. I am also ready for fall. hopefully this year it will happen with bright colors. the first time in my life that I enjoyed a fall, was in Bozeman.

even now, when I write it out, saying where I live, I smile at the fact that I live in my own paradise. I em excited about next season to come and I am excited about living here and having friends. I am excited about getting to live with my boyfriend in the same town. I am excited to continue with my skiing and exploring the bridgers. my life in montana has just barely gotten started, I look forward to building my life here.

I’ve known for years what a privileged life I lead. how much I get simply with the way I look. I am a blond, white, educated, young female living in the United States. the world is my oyster. or an ashtray?

while driving to work this morning with the sunroof open, windows down, drinking my morning cup of coffee in my shiny new car with my blond hair blowing in the wind, I felt a little ridigilous about how easy, joyful and abundant my life is. despite my apparent struggles at times, I remind myself frequently that my life is full of joy. and I should be grateful and sometimes ashamed of what I get, while many, even those living aside me, don’t.

tomorrow always brings a new day. time has passed from yesterday. and last weeks worries changed. we live on, time changes us and helps us forget what made us hurt, how we were treated and helps us grow and carry on without our wounds and anything left now, are nothing but faint scars that I notice some times.

sometimes I am still angry, but I never forget to be grateful that I did this to my life. I chose to leave him behind and come here to recover. like I took myself to rehab. time and distance. time and distance. time and distance. it’s been almost a year since I left Oregon and I don’t hurt anymore. I used to think of him everyday for a long time. I don’t anymore. I finally laid that cross down.

james told me this morning that he thought that if he asked me to marry him, that I might actually say yes. was a little shocked to hear him say that. what would I say if he asked? I guess I hadn’t wondered.

I let the truck go. finally. I knew she was about on her last legs and miraculously in it’s current state ran like a champ and I knew right now would be my window to sell it. quick. I still wish I could’ve kept her and just ran her to the ground. but since money nor space are luxuries I possess, the outcome was inevitable. I had a lot of memories with that truck and letting it go turned out to be easier than I thought and frankly, I was excited when I walked away from it with a wad of cash in my pocket. yes, I was ready to let it go. finally!

then what ensued was a frenzy of wheeling and dealing, being lied to and scammed. running around like crazy, making offers, test driving cars, running reports on them and having them inspected. buying a car is a lot of work. and what’s crazy about it is that all the cars I drove and checked out, we’re getting other offers while I was trying to shop for one. and when I turned an offer down, that car was already sold in a matter of hours. nuts!

but I found one that I think was the best of the litter. and I hope that she won’t give me too much trouble, despite her high mileage. I was pretty excited about selling my truck and buying the 4runner, but still when I finally made it home and got to relax for a minute, I lost it. I was at the end of my rope, hungry with a raging headache, it suddenly all spilled over. more than anything, what was so upsetting, was the process of having to protect myself from being scammed and lied to. it made me feel weak and alone. and scared if I was making the right decision on my car purchase.

that’s when James showed up and got to endure me lose it and be a crazy person. it doesn’t happen very often and to his credit, while dealing with all his own problems he at least allowed me to have lost my marbles and endured my craziness. I have infinite love for a man who’ll endure this from me and will actually stand by me while I am going through a hard time. especially when his own life is suddenly falling apart. it’s really nice to find this support from someone when I feel like I have been there for a lot of people in my life. it’s nice to receive in return the kind of faith and loyalty I have given to many, but only received from a few. and bless the hearts of those who have been there for me when I really needed someone!

sometimes I wonder how it would be with the two of us on the long run. I have also wondered what kind of a household we would build. something tells me it would be a family of infinite love to all things around. they say pisceans together are capable of unconditional and undying love. and something tells me this might be very true.

sometimes I just need to turn off the computer and be free for a bit. I started my ten day stretch with a climb in the gallatin canyon, climbing the skyline buttress and bleeding all over the ‘birthing hole’. my ass was too big and I kinda got stuck.

I drove down to island park, swam in the lake, drank a pint in the sun by the river and tired my sore bones in James’ bed for the night. I had an amazing time hanging out by myself. I am really good at spending time by myself and I tend to be able to have a blast every time I do. while I wished he could have been there too, I still had a blast in island park by myself.

for the next week, I spent time in the tetons. I climbed the grand again. and despite all my fears, for the first time the climb went smoothly and was well within my ability levels technically and physically. I felt strong the entire time. except for the painful and grueling hike out afterward that almost led me to weeping on the trail, only a couple miles out from the trail head. the 4.7 earthquake in the area during my hike passed me by unnoticed. when I felt dizzy and saw rocks sliding down the hill, I just pawned it off on my own delirium.

later I paddled myself out to Leigh lake, laid on the beach, swam, read a book and waited for James. when he finally arrived the sun went down, the storm rolled in and it turned into a sketchy paddle in the dark dodging 4 foot waves and getting swallowed by water. exciting. it’s always something with me.

the weekend was spent with James in Jackson. going to galleries, drinking mojitoes, poking at stuff in souvenir stores, being a tourist. sunday morning I managed to talk James into dropping me off at the top of teton pass. I clicked in and hung on for the amazing single track cherry ride all the way back down to willson. rad!

I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat and I think I may have been quietly whining. I had a nightmare. a very vivid nightmare. in my dream I had driven to island park to see James on his one day off. it was evening and he left me at someone’s house without much word as to where he was going and not replying to my inquiries as to where he’d gone. though he was running around wheeling and dealing weed. when he finally reappeared at 1:30 am and I whined about him ditching me, he scoffed at me and made a snide comment “people leave all the time, suck it up.” he had a look of disgust in his eyes, very much the same look Jason used to give when I asked something of him. yes, that very same one that makes the ground fall away from underneath you and crushes you right there in front of him.

in my dream I knew I had to leave him, right there and then, so I got up, went over to James’ house and started packing my things. he appeared with his friends in tow, to hang out with them at his house, with no regard to the fact that I was upset and crying over his cruelty and insensitivity. or the fact that I was actually going to walk away that instant. that’s when I woke up.

i think it’s crazy that I had this dream. and of all my fears past that I seem to have buried a while ago reared their ugly head and this morning I was dully reminded of the abuse I used to deal with. I don’t thin even for a second that James would ever treat me that way. I know everyone is capable of being mean, but Jason seemed to take being evil as a life approach.

I have blissfully forgotten and erased from my memory how much I used to hurt and how much someone can really break you. I believe that James really knows how to treat people right and is he’s ever mean to me, he would know what he was doing. I don’t know why my mind decided to create this story. James is the first one since Jason who’s been in a position where I am completely vulnerable to him. I haven’t been able to have faith in a long time that there could be someone whom I loved would be there for me when I really needed him to be. that when I needed someone to lean on, that he might actually be there for me. it’s interesting to see that from my devastation of my past relationship, I fall for the exact opposite, someone who I feel like I already know deep down would be there. with out a doubt.

since I am rolling around town solo and seemingly single, I get boys tagging along all the time. I know that I like the attention and to my fault I am a bit of a flirt. while I am out going, smily and chatty, I realize it’s a hop and a skip away from being just flat out flirtatious. I get offers for sex all the time. there’s an instinctive urge to act upon those desires without giving much thought to what I would be ruining if I did sleep with someone.

the truth is, and I’ve had a decent opportunity to reflect on this over the past week because of what happened thursday night, being seriously chased by a cute boy. if James was in town, I would have no desire to even think of sleeping with someone else. it’s the fact that he’s gone, and will be gone for a long time, that I have these questions and thoughts. it’s actually almost out of spite that he’s gone, that I play with the idea.

giving a hard look at what it is I would be giving up, or trading in, for a quick lay in the end doesn’t seem to be worth it. so I decided on sunday that without a doubt, I should have enough strength, loyalty and respect for myself and James to behave over the next two months while he’s gone. if I can’t, I would be seriously disappointed with myself. it’s more a matter of just deciding, rather than reacting. I realize that it’s pathetic to think that I just “can’t help myself” because he’s gone. and it’s a sad notion that I even have to tell myself that.. but there it is.

I was talking to James the other night and something made me confess that there’s not a single person in my past that I would still like to date. I don’t have any that “got away.” well, except for one, but I think that’s only because he never wanted to date me (maybe if I hadn’t lived 550 miles away at the time) and ultimately I’ve always known he would treat me poorly. but what does it say about me that I am the person who has pretty much broken it off with every single person in my life and without any desire to look back. even though Jason essentially was the cause of our break up, I’m still the one that left him, not the other way around.

admitting to that fact, or just saying it out loud, kinda jolted me into wondering if I was asking too much from everyone I ever dated. I leave every relationship with a notion that this person is not good enough, like I was settling. do I actually need a reality check on this. will anyone ever really fit the bill and be perfect straight out of the box? have I always dated people who were below the mark for me, or am I asking too much?

life is simple. life is quiet. sometimes I am bordering boredom due to the fact that I am not always trying to catch up with time like I used to. it’s lovely. I feel like I moved to montana and retired. I will ride this train as long as I can, knowing that it won’t last forever. or can it? should it? do I want it to or will I need more soon?

yesterday I went on a mountain bike ride up in the bangtails solo. I wrecked hard on a switch back. to the point that when I was laying there feeling my body, my first thought was ‘well, nothing seems to be broken, thank god.’ for the next fifteen minutes I was catching my breath, adrenalin ringing in my ears, thoughts racing through my mind of anything from doctor’s bills to actually being all the way out there alone, hurt. when I finally managed to pick myself up I still couldn’t get on my bike soon and was limping, pacing, talking to myself. it’s ok, everything’s ok, I’m ok, I just need a minute.

I think it takes a certain character to be able to calm yourself down and take care of yourself no matter what happens. the mountains have taught me an infinite amount of strength that could not be attained anywhere else. a certain kind of calm and understanding of your risks and your exit plan when things go wrong. the moutains have also taught me that I am a person who has the ability to remain calm during crisis. and the mountains have allowed me to practice that serenity of mind. not to say that I don’t scare the fuck out of myself frequently, but the mountains have forced me to suck it up and exercise that resilience.