so. the winter has arrived and I feel like myself again. I don’t feel like the lost puppy that I have been in the past couple of months, just waiting. last week I skied 3 times and went to bikram yoga 4 times and I feel like I got my ass kicked. and I feel terrific! I was skinning with Cass up at beehive on Saturday. it was over-cast, windy, kinda f’n cold, but gorgeous none-the-less. while I was skinning behind Cassie, I realized how much I truly appreciate her friendship. I haven’t spent a ton of time talking to her, pretty much ever, but as usual, it seems that the best friends are made in the quiet of the mountains, each diligently working to towards our line. and I spent some time thinking about the friends in my life. I have some very good ones I have made through out the years.

I have to let something out. it seems thou that I am going through an entire re-inventory of my friends. mcfrye is gone, reno with it. and I have realized that I have no interest in being lindsey’s friend. while I am kinda hurt by the fact that she doesn’t want to be my friend either, I know that we are actually not compatible as friends. at all. all she seems to care about is partying and flaunting this image of her self of being a mountain girl and a bad ass in the snow. but in reality, I have discovered it to be mostly talk and the people she surrounds herself with aren’t people I really care to know either. she hangs in a crowd of college kids and every other day is a rager. party friends. no thanks.

I know you can tell I am a little bitter about all this, but I have to get this out of my chest. I feel kinda bad about it. but at the same time, I know this is inevitable. but what kinda nags me about it, is the sad realization that as soon as you try to be a true friend to her, and call her out on the bs she has been doing, she jumps ship and signs you off as a friend.

the reason why all this is coming out now, is because I actually ran into her a few times this weekend. talked to her for about a second or two at a time while she was sooooo busy running off with her entourage. the sad part about it is, that I know that a part of it is a show for me, so she can seem like she is super popular and has so many friends she doesn’t need me. how quickly all that changes. this summer, she seemed to constantly trying to get me to come out, and often I seemed to be one she relied on to be her partner in crime. which, actually, always just involved being boy crazy and partying. trying to desperately make those memories that turn into inside jokes and flying slogans amongst friends. even then, I kinda thought it was silly and I am just not that interested in it anymore. the desperation to seem cool and to live a rock and roll life style. I am different these days, I’m just older. and I feel like even in the days when I was ‘cool’ I never had to try so hard.

in fact, I don’t even care that much about having a million party friends. I just want a few really good ones. and the ones that spend time in the mountains. I knew, even this summer, that all I really was for Lindsey was a party friend. someone who would be available to accompany her to the bar and parties, so she didn’t need to show up alone. but that’s what party friends are like, you never really actually do anything with them, other than go to parties and meet em for beers. and in my years, I have learned that those friends rarely become true friends to you. and just as quickly, they evaporate.

the truest friends can be made skinning in the mountains, having pot lucks and spending an evening knitting together. being there for them when they need you. knowing they would be the one to call if your car broke down. and while I feel like I have a few true friends in this town, I have also known that majority of the time, the friends you make in the first year of living in a new town, those ones usually turn out to not become the friends you end up having on the long run.

on saturday I also hung out with Chris and company and I would have to say that I had a great time. I really like hanging out with him and appreciate him being my friend also. slow but steady, people come out of the woodwork and become your friends. it takes time to meet the right ones.

I start my fridays in bed. I don’t get up in a hurry. this is my ‘free’ day. I can do what ever I want. I can stay in bed all day if I want. I can work a bit maybe. I might wake and bake and watch an episode of dexter before I get up and start my day.

I am allowing myself to be lazy today. I have skinned and skied and done bikram yoga this week and my body feels tired. I am relaxing to be ready to venture into the beehive basin with Cass tomorrow.

everything feels good and everything feels right. my body feels good. my discontent evaporates as soon as the ground is white. and as soon as my body is tired from the work. as soon as I am falling into the rhythm of the skin I feel content.

it’s about the small things. I stood on the ridge again yesterday, first time since the spring and I exhaled to be there again. I had missed the ridge. missed hiking along it, missed staring down into the bozeman flats, missed looking out at the crazies and the absorakee range. missed hiking along it to my next line. the season has begun and all my wonders and debates as to why the hell I moved all the way out here are out the window again. now I remember.

november is my yoga month. time to get a month unlimited membership to a yoga club of choice, so I finally decided to give Bikram yoga a chance.

while my first session made me incredibly dizzy and for the last half hour of class, it took all I had just to be laying down and try not to throw up. or not to run out of the room. when I got home I felt shaky, nauseous, dizzy and weak. it took the rest of the evening to nurse the bare minimum of liquids in me to keep the dehydrated headache at bay and not to feel like I was recovering from a hang over.

at the same time I was overwhelmed with the amount of energy in my body. I was overwhelmed by what boundaries I had just pushed with my own body and how I felt… well.. clean. and this was just one time. I was amazed by the amount of liquids pouring out of my body, even just by sitting still in the room. mind struggle over trying to breathe, trying not to run out the door, trying not to throw up. I know a thing or two about the experience of pushing your own body beyond what you thought was actually possible, beyond what you imagined you were capable of. I am incredibly intriqued by the effects of Bikram yoga after just one session. I am curious to see if the heat will ever be something I can get used to, or I will make it through this month and then kinda give it a rest.

I am itching to go tonight again, just to see if I can do better.

I hiked to storm castle yesterday. sat on the edge of the abyss and watched the system roll in. I knew it was coming. I had been watching the clouds for a few days now. I watched it rise from the valleys. collect and build. it looked like it was going to be big, and I knew, when I would awake tomorrow, seasons would have changed. (and my poor muddy mountain bike might have to wait a whole season until I can wash the damn thing. ugh. that’s just bad etiquette.)

and just like that, it’s finally here. there’s a certain unrest in the town. I sense a buzzing of sorts. everyone is stocking up on skiing gear, asking each other which pass they got this year. it’s snow culture out here.

I have been spending a lot of time lately staring at a map. I understood yesterday that my initial unrest over bears and other critters in the woods have dissipated the longer I’ve lived here. I still carry my pepper spray, but I am not senselessly worried about it. I know they’re out there, but I’ve never been approached by one. other than being an idiot and going out at dusk by myself in mountain lion territory, I don’t worry too often. but I must say, I kinda wish I would have spent more time hiking and backpacking this summer. which seems silly as I generally now detest just hiking for the sake of hiking, but what I miss about it, is the adventure and exploring. the idea of discovering something new.

I realize that my intermittent boredom stems from the fact that everything I do now is a day activity, or one that would only take an afternoon and then I’ll be back in town. while it’s awesome I can do that, I wish I would have spent more time in the dirt this summer. this is not to discount the summer I had, I had an amazing time! but there’s so much terrain here I wish i would have taken the time to explore before the winter set in again.

but oh, well. snow has arrived and I am stooooooked!!!

hmph. I have been annoyed I guess. or just a little discontent. unhappy to an extent. I don’t know if I am allowed to be bothered by it. I am going on six months of this operation best described as reintroducing a shared life into the picture. and there are days when I absolutely hate it. I find it annoying that the other person won’t just do what I want, won’t just be there when I want. yeah. I hate him a little for it. I hate the fact that he makes me feel sad. I hate him for the fact that I feel like he doesn’t care.

I want to be spiteful. I want to say ‘well, fine. I don’t care anyways, so fuck off.’ or that in fact, I am going to fuck off and go about my business. I hate him for that he doesn’t call. probably, if it wasn’t for the fact that James was in my life, I would probably be moping around yearning just to have a companion in my life. so I don’t know if there’s actually any real difference.

I have been miserable for days and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

is there?

I don’t know much else that gets me out of bed early, no matter how I feel that day. nothing else that would make me drive for miles early hours in the morning, if the report calls for several inches. when I arrive to the base of the hill, I know this is where I belong. this is where I am confident, this is what makes me content and happy. when I put my skins on, I fall into a rhythm that fits me better than any other activity. and nothing else matters.

snow defines me. makes me and grows me. snow challenges me, makes me smile and makes me anxious. I love a sight of a snow capped peak more than anything else in this life. I have been at snow since I was born, I wouldn’t know a life without it and I dearly hope I won’t have to in my life time.

James and I had been planning to go to the Bechler hot springs the whole summer, but it seemed we never got a good window when James would have had his two days off, so finally a weekend in October we decided we should go for it.

the weather forecast called for 70% chance of mixed rain and snow for sunday and the trail description detailed two river fords and a slough. ranger reports the slough being mid thigh. much the way that James and I both go about the things we do, it seemed like it just sorta happened. neither backed down from the plans. we are both more than capable, but still when we found ourselves at the trail head on saturday, packed an loaded, looking at each other ‘well, here we are’… we arrived with the knowledge that this was going to be wet, cold and unpleasant, but neither said as much as a word to back out of it. probably in the fear that if it was mentioned, we, once again, would be like two fish swimming in circles around each other, watching time go by. especially since the forecast had now changed from 70% chance to a 100% of 3-5 inches of snow.

we hiked in, forded rivers, crossed several on logs, it was a misty day. we took compass readings and verified our path for the way back in case we woke up to snow or had to hike back in a blizzard across the vast meadows. found some hot springs and laid in them for a while as it got dark, drank whiskey tea and I loved being there with him! all the while I thanked him for making me do this. he seemed baffled by me thanking him and said it was the other way around. it seemed like neither really planned for this, but neither really backed out either, so it just more or less happened, that we found ourselves there.

in the morning we woke up to freezing rain, in a pool of water and everything was wet and frigid cold. we packed up with numb fingers, bundled up and set out for the looming river crossings. after the last river crossing, I clambered to the other shore and with shaky numb fingers and chattering teeth pulled my back off, dried out what I could and got my pants and boots back on. nothing like a fucking hypothermia to set in. after that one I just couldn’t really get warm again, the cold set into my bones and creeped in to my torso. oh well. only a few miles out.

we got to the car, stripped naked, enter through the back and left wetness to the rear, turned up the heat and appreciated the warm woolly clothes we had brought along to change into when we got back, since we knew we’d be miserable. made a hot brew and drove to Norris hot springs and shook off the rest of the chill from our bones.

the whole weekend really reminded me of the pacific northwest. minus the hot springs.

I am in a holding pattern. the fall is making me wait for something. making me wait for snow. in the mean time I feel like I don’t do much. sitting around, knitting, eating chocolate, reading books. taking weekend road trips by myself.

just driving. driving to see new towns. stopping to sniff waterfalls and read about pioneers. taking detours on dirt roads. what’s at the end of this one? drinking beers at some local pub on the way. dropping into a valley behind a mountain range. getting a ride on a harley in the crisp and sunny fall air. partying in my car in abandoned campground. in a blizzard. everyone has left. the resort towns are waiting for the next season. roads are closed, I chase for a map to show me the way around the mountains. where do I go now? watching clouds roll in, staring at peaks, picking my line. can I hike to that one?

life is beautiful.

a month went by since the last time I saw James. in the mean time I knitted him socks. they don’t match, they are a random collection of colors. even knitted some pink in them. I think he was baffled by them, kinda liked them, but was just confused by the fact that I knitted them. or that I made him socks. the whole thing, I don’t think he knew which part to be baffled by.

then he asked me if I would teach him how to knit. that’s the last thing I expected him to ask me.

it takes two days to be sure. two days to remind me. I am still happy he is with me. still when I look at him, I feel relentless joy that he loves me. i haven’t met anyone in a long time that was such a combination of painful honesty about who they are and with that honesty comes a trust and faith in knowing that he will always treat me right. he spends so much time in making sure that I am happy that I think he sometimes forgets to make himself happy.

I love finding him here. love finding him in my bed. love knowing he’s close. in this town, somewhere near. I have a friend, someone I can talk into getting in a boat or doing a bike ride. or both.

it gets me every time. I thought it would be different now since we were on my territory. spending two weeks in a car with a child hood friend opened my eyes to seeing a lot of things about myself I had taken for granted for a long time. it was a trial of patience of sorts, which I discovered to have significant amounts more than I thought possible. to some degree, I felt what a parent must; catering to needs, finding a place to stay for the night, cooking breakfast, lunch, dinner. directing everyone to places and to see things I thought might be worthy. granted it was not a mission where I was in charge at all, we maintained a good balance in our experience, but I know for certain, many aspects of this trip would have been quite different had I not been involved.

while I  think it was wonderful to open Minka’s eyes to the world from my perspective, I also opened mine. I think I was changing her perspective everyday during the trip and I appreciate being in the company of someone who does not share or understand the culture I have grown accustomed to. I loved being able to share this with her and Jarmo.

I was surprised with myself that I found a surprising amount of patience within to help them along, show them things they’d never seen and helping them camp and travel the way I do. I appreciate their patience with me, allowing me to show them this and being troopers about allowing it to happen and to allow for such experience. after the two weeks were over, I found myself, maybe in need of a short break, yes, but not in anyway tired of their company. I could have kept on for weeks to come. after a few days on the road we all fell into each others rhythm and knew what to expect from one another. the life on the road fell into an easy rhythm while we sought new things to see, explored yet another new city, town, mountain, village or country side.

when they left and I got home, to my quiet little life, I realized how quiet bozeman really is. after seeing the world out of my car for two weeks, I was a little stunned by how quiet it was all of a sudden. it took me a few days to remember why this is the life I really wanted for myself. I know now, that had it not been for my heart break, I would have not moved out this far. it took me about a week to recover from the quiet and I am still reeling. this weekend’s mountain bike ride and sunday’s crazy excursion made me giggle with joy and grip my paddle in horror when I rounded yet another bend on the yellowstone river and saw what I was about to go down on my boat. and then I realized how stoked I am to live in Montana.

while we were on our trip I learned quickly my resilience and endurance for being outdoors. the things I’ve taken for granted about myself. I’ve known for a long time that I am something of a badass. burly, as one might say. but I forget the extent of this frequently and I often belittle myself, my abilities and my accomplishments. I realize how many things I set out to do that most people would not in their right mind plan for a sunday afternoon. or how little I really get scared in the woods. or how many miles I can really cover and how many peaks I can climb. my strength surprises me often. human abilities surprise me often, how far I can keep going, and still not be nearing a collapse. I take little things for granted. like the fact that I fall on my mtn bike all the time. and I simply pick myself back up and get back on the horse that kicked me. I end up with bruises and scrapes every weekend and it does not slow me down any. I am afraid of heights but I go do it anyways, cause my limitations and fears are more a dare for me than an inhibitor.

when Minka and Jarmo left I came to the awful realization, again, that I have cursed myself to for the rest of my life to miss the people, culture and language I hold so dear. I will never share my everyday life with my mom. and I miss finnish language desperately. after speaking finnish for two weeks, I was left feeling empty and regretting my decision. and as always, wondering, what the hell am I doing here? it’s inevitable. it happens every time. I so desperately would want finnish to be a part of my life. the phrases used and the richness of the language sends me giggling frequently, just by how awesome it is. it’s especially hard to fight off these thoughts in my mind when I am essentially alone here. during this week of ‘mourning’ that always happens after a finnish invasion (or excursion) I find myself wanting to be completely alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone and I just want to be alone. like my mind is too full to want to digest anyone’s thoughts or words. like I am completely uninterested in what anyone has to say. I just want to be by myself and be quiet. and still.