I am in a strange place. I don’t want to move out of my home. I am extremely reluctant to do so. James and I are getting along for the time being, since he realized what he’d lost. I come and go between being angry with him for forcing me to make this choice. I am disappointed in him and again with my choices that brought me here. I don’t at all know at this point where my love for him lies. do I love him still after everything he’s done? can I still love someone who has treated me with such disrespect? and should I allow myself to love someone who does this?

what I do know for a fact, is that I will never forgive myself if I stick around and don’t take the time to figure out how I feel about all this. and I need to do that completely alone. removed from him.

here’s something else I have learned about myself. when I love, I love completely. I love with all my heart, I am your biggest fan, and you’ll probably feel like you can take over the world when I love you so. you are my hero. but the love of a fish is a slippery thing. I can also choose not to love. I choose. I have been wondering lately what it is about me, why I am such a sucker for relationships. why do I want it so badly? why have I had so many in my life?

I had an epiphany the other day. I think I have realized that the reason why I have always gotten cheated on in my long-term relationships when I’ve left for couple months. probably has a lot to do with the fact that since I am such a sucker for love, and have such a capacity to love, that the sort of people I end up with are people who are out there making themselves available and looking for someone to hang on to, just as desperately as I want a husband and a family. in essence, I realize these are people who have a hard time being alone. and that’s exactly the reason why they have always cheated on me when I’ve left them on their own for a couple months. I realize that I need to be with someone who is completely content in being alone, doing this for themselves and coming up with adventures on their own, while still being able to enjoy sharing their lives in a relationship.

let’s face it, I’m an awesome girlfriend. I have a life of my own, and I love to travel on my own. I am rad to adventure with, to ski with. I coordinate and plan all kinds of trips and adventures. I make shit happen and I am a solid partner out in the woods or in the mountains. I don’t usually bitch or nag about much. I don’t believe in nagging, doesn’t get anyone anywhere. which, if I find the need to nag, then I shouldn’t be in the relationship anyway. I am independent, and I want my partner to be independent. I mean, what the fuck, three and a half months seriously isn’t that fucking long of a time to keep your fucking dick in your pants and to fucking suck it up and deal with it. what the fuck?

shit.

in the mean time, I am happy about life, excited about my friends, loving the place I live and loving these mountains. I mean, my life is so incredible it’s hard to believe it’s true sometimes. but with the other shit going on in my life, it’s hard to be completely stoked about it all right now. this why I am in a strange place. I am incredibly sad about having to walk away from James, it makes me depressed that yet another…. I hate leaving him, he’s been my best friend and while I hate his touch, some days it makes me cringe, I miss it terribly. I miss liking it. I miss being happy with him, I would give just about anything to have that back. have my happy little perfect life back.

and then there’s the ski patrolling thing. it’s one of the flat out coolest and more fulfilling things I have done in a long time. I love the crew at moonlight and every stunning morning sunrise, or every fucking blizzard takes my breath away. I belong here.

life works in strange ways. while I am in the midst of separation from James, I feel like I have more friends in bozeman and elsewhere than I ever have before in my life. I find myself suddenly with a vast support network which I never really quite took the time to realize it was there. life always moves in cycles, but I honestly finally feel like I have a bunch of friends to ski with in bozeman, awesome friends. fucking rad friends.

and Kenny, my heart always goes out to you. you are my truest, dearest friend, sometimes I wouldn’t know what to do without you. I love you with all my heart.

it should be so strange that I feel like 2013 will be one of my best years since my thirtieth. my Saturn return. can I have a second one? I’ll pretend it is. it’s weird all of it coincides with drama in my relationship. the two really have nothing to do with one another, but the situation makes me reach out more than staying home, being content in my relationship. I mean I have loved it through and through, it was an awesome thing while it lasted. but we all know, I am such a sucker for change, I am not afraid of it and I welcome it with open arms.

yeah it sucks what happened, I spent two months crying about it, one being angry about it, and now I am done with it. I’m sad it turned out this way, having to walk away from someone I always thought was like family, someone I always more or less felt like I was always meant to be with. I’ll miss him like crazy. I already do.

but something has changed in me. unlike in my previous break up being so utterly lost over who I am and what I truly want, this time around I know exactly what I want. I find this strength in me that is almost overwhelming. I am amazed by it, the strength in my center. it’s like I am carrying myself and seeing myself through even thought I never realized I had that in me, I didn’t realize I could just turn to me for help and direction. I have always known it’s there, I always have been strong. but somehow, I am not sure if it’s because I am older now, or because I took the time to hurt and be single back then to figure out what I needed in my life and who I was. life got better when I did. significantly better. I have always had great love and appreciation for myself, but during those years I found something more profound and let it build, that no one can take me down. not for long at least. I have always known that the only person who could and should love me the most was myself. so I have always tried to make sure that was the case. I have lost sight of that many times in my life, but I always return to it. I know how to pick myself up. because it’s always coming down to this. someday, I would like to be proven wrong, but this is what I am working with. again and always it seems.

most importantly, during that time I figured out who I was and now again I find that strength I found in myself then, and the one I was playing with this summer. like something deep inside stood up to roar. hey, I like this. it’s a high.

I am numb. hang your head in your hands and just breathe.

somehow, a heart break second time around isn’t nearly as bad. I think what also helps is that sincerely, I don’t believe James is a bad person. he’s not malicious and his generally been nothing but kind to everyone around him. I feel bad for him if anything. I know he loves me tremendously and I know he would love nothing more than to keep me, to have his best friend back. I also know he just doens’t know how to fight and how to fix it.

he keeps trying. I want to tell him to stop trying to fix it. the only thing to fix at this point is me. I need to step away from him and take this time to revel in myself. to find my ground, to find my center.

in all honesty, I can’t wait to be free of this burden. I want to let the chips rest where they fell. I want to be alone. I’m done with crying or having constant conversations about all the cheating that has been going on. I am tired of explaining how much I hurt. I’m tired of explaining anything to anyone.

I also look forward to being crazy with my girl friends. I look forward to being me, being awesome. I want to have a riot.

this year, I will be validated. that’ll be my new years promise.

new year. suppose I should make some promises about something. I have nothing to give. I promise to make 2013 the best year yet in Bozeman. I promise to make lots of new frinends, embrace the ones I already have. I promise to ski more this year than any other year prior. I promise to become a good ski patroller. I promise to be awesome to myself and awesome to those whom I love and those whom are in my life.

I had an amazing new year. I spent friday and saturday patrolling and really loved it as always. even though I feel like a dumb ass rookie and keep making all kinds of mistakes. hah! I drove up to big sky last night to party at a condo in the meadow village. the wine flowed, the company was a riot. we woke up early all hung over and cross eyed with groggy bodies sprawled all along the condo floor. Porter and I went out for breakfast and brought everyone crashing on the condo floor egg-bagels. we went for an amazing tour in beehive basin. skied some amazing powder, I did a few face plants and I had one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I loved hanging out with Courtney, Tim, Porter and a new friend named Brian. we had a hilarious time and I really loved spending time with Porter. like a lot. I absolutely adore him and to some degree I am crazy about him. I am not sure what that means and I am fairly certain that I am meant to appreciate him as a friend and I am trying to make sure not get lost with that. but I am amazed by him and I love having his companionship. he’s quickly becoming one of my closest friends in bozeman. for some reason it’s incredibly easy to hang out with him and I always have a tremendous time doing so.

when he told me he was done skiing for the day I was bummed knowing I’d have to say good bye to him. I knew I’d actually miss his company. it’s such an odd thing to find myself smitten by someone. so we went and grabbed dinner before the drive home.