I have had many relationships in my life. in fact, a part from my two year break and long stretch of celibacy after moving to montana, I have been breaking up and hooking up with people since I was 14. I feel  like I have spent most of my life compromising myself and my own passions for the sake of some guy. when I left Jason and after the shitty aftermath that followed, I resolved to never again apologize for who I am and the things I want in my life. and more importantly to never again compromise the importance of my family and the role finland plays in my life because of any relationship.

I have come to wonder this: why is it seemingly impossible to leave your partner alone in the US for a month or two without them finding someone else? I have heard this same complain from James, the fire fighter and Jacob the mountaineering guide. when I left for a summer to be with my family and in my country, Zeb found someone else after demanding I return to the US immediately. threatening me with the fact he might. at least I was warned, but seriously!? granted we were young, he has changed a lot too. when I left for two months to build our family hotel in finland, Jason was cheating on me and persistently lied about it for months afterwards, causing irreparable damage in me for my faith in any relationship. or in certain people for that fact. which actually turned out to be a good thing anyways, I have since learned to choose my friends better and recognize dickheads like him.

James is taking his turn. voicing his complaints about the fact that he feels like I am making decisions about my life without including him in my plans, or giving him too much importance when it comes to decisions. which is true, I am not including him much, just hoping he’ll be cool with it. I simply can’t. like the inevitable fact that I will probably spend a few months out of the year in Finland. he is not happy. he is also not happy that I don’t talk to him often. cause I really have had no time. literally, and it might be hard to understand. I also don’t understand why we need to talk constantly, I am fine knowing he’s there doing his thing and I am busy here. he’ll have me all to himself back in MT, so chill out.

I can try to explain that once I get on my family’s orbit, the only way to get off it, is to board a plane out of the country. seriously. but why do I need to be there for him while I am here? why can’t people get by by themselves for a while? why do they need my hand holding? why do I have to feel like I can’t leave them on their own for a while? why is this a constant worry, why does it need to be?

in effect, since I have been in so many relationships and since I have become (more or less) jaded to the importance of relationships. if they end, so be it, change is always good and possibly fun. the ending of any relationship is not such a devastating thing to me these days. I think I have become jaded to the point that men come and go from my life. most, I don’t expect to stay and it’s a nice thing if James does. I understand that what particularly makes me jaded, is the fact that I absolutely refuse to compromise things like the importance of spending time with my family and being close with them. the harsh reality of this is that I have to be gone for extended periods of time. I also will not compromise to my mom being able to live in montana for most of the year. these are the two most important things in my life. I hope that James, or whom ever it is I am with, can understand that just because I am gone, it does not need to be the end of the world. and I hope they can cope and be happy that I am doing things to keep myself happy.

I am also in the midst of the horrific realization that my mom is not getting any younger. she is flat out the most important person in my life and has always been my best friend and I am stricken by the thought that a backpacking trip with her might not be a reality anymore. I have also understood that with good luck I probably have another 20 good years left with her. it’s not enough. if I don’t spend more time with her now, and the rest of my family, I know for a fact, it will be something I will regret tremendously for the rest of of my life. absolutely.

our world has changed so dramatically, that we no longer need to rely on a partner to make it in life. we no longer need partnerships to make ends meet, to build a life, business, raise kids, etc. the role a partner now plays in my life is being my best friend and my companion, but I don’t expect them to be my all. I don’t want them to be my all and I absolutely detest any relationship that shapes out that way. sadly James and I kinda orbit around each other because of the general awesomeness of the population in bozeman, but luckily it does not bother me too much since he’s really easy to be around.

surely, I want to keep my happy peaceful relationship, but brutally, I also refuse to give up being with my family. this is also something I would not ask of anyone I am with. when James and I first started dating, I felt like I wanted him around more and perhaps grudged about him being gone for so long, but the reality is, that I love my own time by myself. I don’t want him there all the time. I really don’t. I still want to be independent, make my own decisions, I still want to travel with or with out him. I am incredibly selfish here, and I kinda feel bad about the fact that James has to deal with the result of years of not treating myself well. or that I have always been giving too much to everyone I have been with. I feel badly that then in return I am asking him to accept and bend to my needs. and stop whining about what I want to do with my life. I have been with myself a lot longer than he has been here and I am sorry, but I come first, I always will. and my family comes before him. it does not mean that I love him any less.

I also think I might be slowly realizing that buying a home and building a family in one location is probably not my thing. even if I have kids. I do want this, or some version of it, but what it might look like, I don’t know yet. my life has been, for such a long time based on transience, rather than staying still. just because others are either incapable or disinterested in constant change and evolution, does not mean that I can’t tailor my life to fit my own needs. I want to try to live a life full of change, because it’s the one thing that keeps me and my life interesting and vibrant.

I mean, I have spent a lot of money and years in school and working on my career, that now that I have this amazing opportunity to really make my life work for me, live it where and when I want to, should I say ‘no’ just because someone loves me? like, why should I say no to the opportunity to live in Italy and ski the dolomites for a season if I can? while I can still do it easily?

I have fallen in and out of love lots of times. I have an overwhelming capacity to love, I know this about myself. I also know that there is no such thing as “the one” there are “oneS”. especially due to my mixture of character that is a chameleon and at the same time unyielding. if I so choose, I can love, or not love for that matter. what really sets James a part is the fact that for the first time I am with someone whom I find so agreeable that we rarely actually fight. despite our little spats or one of us just being grumpy, nothing really escalates. that alone is a rare thing to find, although I now wonder, if a huge part of that is me finding inner peace. so to speak. who knows, and if I stay with him, I might never find out, but I am incredibly curious. staying with the same person “from now on” is a hard concept for me, as it might be for anyone.

there are a lot of these things I feel like i have worked on, spent lots of time mulling over and I often feel like most people I have dated, James included, are light years away from far sightedness when it comes to the meaning of modern relationships and the expectations we still place on marriage. and the fact that I know what I need to be happy. these old forms are ancient and I think they also lead to a lot of divorces. but I have never met anyone how did not flat out rebel against all these views of mine, like having separate houses. I have long understood that I will never fit the norm. and that in order to be happy and content in any relationship, I have to be able to mold into a some kind of a compromise where I am not miserable. and what I need to be happy, certainly rarely fits the standard.