I got a hold of my life again sometime ago. it’s something you don’t realize has happened until you’re there. when I broke up with James and moved out of our house I know one of the things that contributed to my depression was a lack of having a place I felt I belonged to. even though now I only have a little 5 acre swath of land, it still makes me feel incredibly good. better than I ever thought it could possibly make me feel. what got me even more depressed in Bozeman was looking around me and realizing I’d probably never afford to live there. or more precisely, would never want to work that much to be able to afford to live there.

so depressing.

but I am now glad I don’t live there. I don’t much care for Bozeman. at all. I resent it a little even.

I was hesitant to move to Ennis at first. I thought I’d give it a try and see how I do. to my surprise, I found contentment, safety, peace, love, liberty and happiness amongst those cottonwoods, creeks, mountains and rivers. all that and then some. I found home. I want to live in Madison valley for the rest of my life in some form or another.

I feel like my life is again what I want it to be. or maybe spending a few years taking a hard look at myself and where I am at, eventually brought me to exactly where I need to be. where I belong. it isn’t so much a physical location as it is a state of mind. my heart is right. my mind is right.

this winter. starting January when I returned to the madison valley, it all started happened by feeling good, being re-inspired by the peaks around us. I just got tired of not givin’er hell. but without really changing anything. just feeling good. feeling whole.

here’s another thing I know. I love Mark. fuck. him, or someone like him. just how much, I didn’t realize until I spent time away from him. to see him and all of it for what it really is.

last week I signed my life away. I accepted large portion of ownership of the hotel. splitting with my sister. here goes.

and that’s pretty fucking lame if you ask me.

this feels weird. I have moved several times through out the years and I have cleaned up my life in the process several times. but never like this. I am moving into a 20 ft trailer. I have no room.

I am detailing every aspect of my life. every piece of paper, hair care product or old power cord I have been holding onto… for the one time I might need one.. I am throwing out everything.

I am disgruntled. for so many little reasons, that accumulate to a whole. I woke up this morning before the sun was up. came to the thought of mark and the last times I was with him. surprised how incredibly turned I am by the thought of him. the thing about sex, is that the more you have it, the more you want it. sure, I have gotten laid a few times randomly over the course of the last couple years, but nothing consistent enough. but now that I did and started getting used to having it, I want more of it. I want more of him.

I got up, turned on music, spread out my yoga mat and stood on it in my beginning pose. and just started crying. not for the beauty of it all. but for everything I am saying good bye to right now. I am saying good bye to Alex, she’s moving to Colorado. that’s heart breaking. the skiing sucks. I have never skied snow this bad and not only the shortness of my season, but the lack of good snow make me very disgruntled and depressed. I am aching to get on top of some peak somewhere. I am trying to let go of Mark. it’s getting better. but it’s agonizing as well. I never want to date again. I have lived in this house for 2 years and I have learned to love my life in it. I never thought I’d miss it, but it’s equally hard to say good bye to this. and along with all of this, I am saying good bye to Montana for another 3 months. and traveling to a place I don’t care for all that much. and doing lame things while I am there. seriously considering buying a road bike for while I am there.

I feel if I can’t ski, my life has no purpose. I am like a lost puppy, searching for meaning.

while I was doing my yoga practice, one thought struck me the most. I am tired of being alone. I have a shit ton of friends here, but I am tired of traveling alone. I am tired of embarking on my life alone. I am tired of leaving everyone, tired of being gone… and I only mainly feel this way because of meeting Mark and that my seasons are cut short this time around. Alex has a lot to do with it as well. there’s one person I truly consider to be a soulmate.

it’s just that I feel like I didn’t have enough time here. 2.5 months is not enough to turn around. this is my home and I belong here. I am relieved I now have my property. no more paying for something that isn’t mine.

I keep telling myself I’ll feel right as rain when summer rolls around and I am guiding again. and I will feel at peace again when the snow flies and I get a longer season next year. I will return in December. early December. frankly, everyone says the snow sucks early season, but what I’ve learned is that when you’re a ripping skier, it doesn’t really matter. you can always find fun. people think I am crazy for I truly love runs like Iron Maiden and Crazy Raven.

but truly, I shouldn’t be all that bummed. I think that anyone who looks at my life thinks it’s amazing. I should try to find the joy in it as well. I am going on a grand canyon trip in a month. jesus. try not to be so grumpy about it.

what the fuck is wrong with me.

I am unstable. rattling my cages.

I am a little startled by how much I miss him. I knew I would, but I didn’t quite realize how much exactly. the tragedy of it all. I knew he was good. so good.

he kept telling me he can’t do this and that I can’t get too attached. but he kept calling. he kept driving to ennis. he kept seeing me. agonizing me with his own confusion. and when I left, he actually cried. I was a bit startled to say the least. it takes two, you know.

so when he is gone, I see it now. I love him. holy shit, I do. and there’s nothing I can do about it.

in fact, I am a little depressed. if the snow was good, I probably wouldn’t be. this is the worst season I have ever seen. that’s making me depressed. having to go back to finland in 2 weeks is making me depressed. I’ve lived in this house for 2 years and it’s time to go. to move into my 20 ft trailer from 1981. wilderness.

I think I need to go to cooke city or something.

counting days. there’s only a few left before we are off. I am following it through. he’s turned some kind of a corner. when before he may have been a little cold, like a clam shell. now he’s affectionate. we’ve been touring a bunch this past week and it has been really good. went up blackmore yesterday and skied out my newly found gully. he was impressed. then skied to the hut I had found down below.

while at times I may have been torn why I am still doing this, I am loving every minute of it. I have the capacity to appreciate these moments and the time I am given. be in this moment. rather than to dwell on what I do not have. and things that I cannot change. what he has given me is priceless. I will have fantastic memories to dream of when he’s gone, when I am gone. truly, he is leaving me better than he found me. he has made my heart feel good and in the past few days made me feel really good about being with him.

now he’s asking me if we’ll see each other when I get back. surely this will pass.

and that was the end of it all. I have to set myself free out of respect and love. I hope he comes back someday.

there’s only so much you can do. hope it might come back but I have a fairly good grasp on the realization that he won’t. even though I asked to spend the next two weeks with him, I know I can’t.

I think that I see what I am to him. and what he is to me is too much to ask of him. I have been with people that have been way into me and I can tell. I know what he feels like to be adored. I think I’m more a friend when he has none, an emotional blanket when he needs one. I’m the catalyst, I’m the distraction. sure he likes me a lot, likes to spend time with me, and I can only I hope that he is being with me because he’s into me. not because he needs a filler.

so there’s my answer.

maybe someday. someone good might stay.

I bought a piece of land today. happy birthday in the form of 5 acres.

I have been inspired by our amazing avalanche conditions to explore more. explore deeper. we do get some stellar stability in our snow pack from time to time, but usually nothing like this. I thank global warming and our incredibly weird warm weather patterns. now it’s time to ski.

I have been doing just that. largely alone. and it has been incredible rewarding. though I have spent a considerable time in the mountains alone, I have never really felt alone. being by yourself out there teaches you things. it keeps you level.

and of all the time I have spent in the mountains.. I guess you become comfortable. you can account your potential threats in few, not in hundreds. I take this for granted, my experience and the simple ease of being out in the woods. through education and experience, there comes a time when you feel comfortable with the concept that snow moves and is ever changing. and you are comfortable in wilderness. you learn to pay attention to the details around you. it’s like an open book, nothing is lurking, it’s all displayed for you. angle of the tress, clearings in the forest, shape of the clouds, direction of the wind, angle of the slope… terrain traps, safe zones, cornices, animal tracks…. you listen. all the time.

I spent a few days recently in a cabin with a bunch of people from missoula I didn’t know. it was an interesting trip. I have never been on a hut trip where I seriously considered leaving after the first couple days. it became very apparent that my game was, well, elevated(?) compared to theirs. which would have been completely fine, if one very scared girl on the same trip would have not hindered my ability to tour and explore the mountains around there deeper.

what a weird scenario to be in. what’s the politically correct way of handling something this? I was stuck in a cabin in Cooke City, with phenomenal playground in front of me, avalanche danger rated low, for like the first time, like, ever. with a foot of fresh powder. dear god. with a group of people of whom some were scared by the snowpack, intimidated by the peaks around us and/or inapt in their skiing abilities. not to mention speed. also being fairly adamant about not allowing me to ski alone.

how can you ever explain to someone, that their comfort level, in your eyes, is completely hysterical. but you can’t. how do you navigate this kind of a dilemma? I see your right to voice your fears in a group and I want to respect that. I know they preached that in your avy I class you just took. but for the love of god. shut up and let me do my thing.

first world problems.

nonetheless. I have been skiing. the resort is dried up right now. and found myself thinking I’m kinda bored with it. did a walk on north summit the other day by myself. not for the faint of heart. it was bullet proof, to powder, to rocks, to wind scoured. lot’s of down climbing. you know, our usual run at big sky. really only did it for the sake of adventure. I knew what it would be, I was bored, wondering why I was at the resort. skied blackmore on tuesday, 4 hour tour complete with a summit lap and a newly discovered going-home-chute. north facing powder trough with a little mandatory in the pinch around the blind corner. when you’re all alone, it becomes a tad more exciting.

but it’s the sort of thing that makes you feel like a super hero at the end of the day.

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about healing. and how to accept the things you cannot change.

it’s not until I am here that I see this. I am an incredibly happy person. I am a at a good place in my life. I have an amazing support group around me and I feel very loved each day.

when you live through what I have, it changes a person. in ways you didn’t want to be changed. but it taught me humility and it taught me the amazing amount of strength within me. I have accepted the things I cannot change. I don’t carry anger. I carry scars. I don’t carry resentment. I harbor happiness. I see it in the people around me, my positivity that draws them in.

there comes a time when you simply shift the energy from being miserable every day into choosing good moments. when you choose to have a better day. you become accustomed to surviving, day by day, by finding small moments that make you happy. just to be able to breathe.

when I went for my free fall in around the winter of 2009, I did the only thing I knew to keep me alive. I got in my truck and I kept moving. like I was on fire, because I was terrified that if I stopped, I’d burst into flames. for a time, life became about getting by in small moments. I climbed peaks, one after another and I was too afraid to stop moving. nothing was chasing me except my own pain and I was running desperately away from it until I could face it. I didn’t stop until I found a home in montana, where I finally felt I was far enough. safe. and I could exhale.

we all have our own cliff. and we all have the potential to face a life situation that might push us over it. thankfully, my free fall was a relatively private experience. I still phoned home. but living through it made me realize that we are all actually some level of crazy. or that it’s more of a gradient actually. the only thing that sets us apart is how well we manage to maintain and handle situations that might push us over that edge. and many of us are lucky to make better choices in life to make sure we never have to peer over that cliff. as much as many people regard me as level headed at times and crazy at other times. I have always been relatively aware of exactly how crazy I am being at each given time.

when you allow your mind to think negative thoughts it allows those thoughts and outcomes to dictate your life. when you allow your mind to accept positivity and regard your situation and future with optimism, your existence draws a more positive outcome. you know the old “look away from the danger!” approach, right? I have always believed that if you think positive and believe positive, positive arrives. and I have experienced this first hand many times in my life. you get exactly what you put out.

I am 35 now. in a week I turn 36. I am not having a midlife crisis. I already had it. when your hopes and dreams and everything the society has told you that you wanted about your life has been wrecked. and pretty much abolished, you have to find another way to survive. for some time I seriously struggled with having seemingly failed at everything I thought life was supposed to be about. like I was some social reject, ’cause I got it wrong. because I made mistakes. the kind that change your life for good. after about a year of crying myself to sleep, and finally accepting what I cannot change. I came around the bend to a completely different reality. a completely different perspective.

I came around to find something that I now believe is even better, because I seriously had to rethink what makes me happy.

and really, those mistakes I think I made, now don’t really look like mistakes at all.

pause.

seriously. leaps and bounds.

to have become someone who takes tremendous joy in simple things. who gets moved every day by the sheer beauty of life. by gratitude. who is heart tugged by the caring people around me. incredibly touched to be loved so much. by so many. who’s life is filled with wonder and abundance. to become someone who has a best friend in herself. with a clear vision of how I want to live out my life. how I want to be treated. and with whom I want to share my life with. and in which valley I want to do that in. I take the time to care about people. I take the time to appreciate the moments I have with them. equally, I take the time to appreciate myself. life seems so easy now. I have found a love.

it takes time. it takes a lot of bleeding.

I may only have three more weeks with Mark. I should admit this out loud because I know it’s true. there’s a good chance, I may never see him again. I am incredibly sad about that, but I know that for the first time, I met someone who is really good. in every way. he’s someone I always wanted. as much as I would like to, I know I don’t get to keep him. but it warms my heart to have gotten to know him. to have allowed someone in. I am amazed that I can do this.

on that same token, it’s really hard to expose yourself to the judgement of someone you’ve just met. all this time being safe, this is the first time that I care about what they think of me and I am allowing someone here. I am coming over hurdles. leaps and bounds. and after each day I am incredibly surprised that he comes back around. that he calls and that he texts. he drives to Ennis, even. and frankly I don’t know why the fuck he does.

speaking of crazy, if you think about it, falling in love is kind of a crazy thing to do. it’s like a socially accepted form of insanity. but it doesn’t have to be that crazy. now I love quietly. kinda. I must admit that I am incredibly numb. I’m working on it. but, shhh, I’ll never tell. and I realize for the first time in my life, I love him for liking me. it sounds stupid, but what he has given me, in ways he has no idea, is priceless. he’s given me hope. it’s not about just him, it’s about believing. that after all, that maybe once even for a fleeting moment I had someone really good. a good person. with a good heart and gentleman like manners. someone that made my heart feel good and at peace. and that not every person I ever loved was a douche bag. that maybe at least once, I chose right.

I really want to keep him. but I am letting him go. with no regrets. with a heart full of love, gratitude and appreciation.

you know you only get one…, but if you do it right, once is enough.

#soar

the longest line.

something so amazing about being up on headwaters. I’ve finally started hiking and am finally lapping it. it’s finally in! 3 laps today. I realized on the third one that though I felt like my legs might be too tired to get my bird on, I felt stronger than the ones before. my legs are coming back and it’s such a relief. just get up there and go get it..

euphoria.

I find myself in a situation where I am kinda starting to like this guy I am seeing and it’s making me miserable. it’s awful. getting hurt is just kind of a by-product of getting into the dating thing. if you actually meet someone you like. which hasn’t really happened in a while. only a few weeks ago, before I’d met him I was blissfully content with my life and suddenly I want him and I am going over emotions of being scared and being miserable. this is so weird. it’s weird how a small change can have such an effect on you. it’s silly.

hiking like hell today and sweating through the emotions is the best thing I could do. it feels good to hike and ski hard. it’s never a bad day to scare the crap out of yourself. it feels good. adrenaline addict.

looking in. at myself from here. from another point of view. since I have been back, one of the things I have been surprised by and taken great delight in, is the startling amount of people whom take the time to greet me. say their lovelies. rushing up for gleeful hugs. kissing their hellos.

I suppose. that after my resolutions that friends matter the most. and being alone amongst all these wonderful people and getting to know them. being single. sharing my own moments with them has made me loved. love is all around me. what I receive from the people around me creates the environment, I don’t need to create a family to be loved and to belong. I’ve created that family right here. I feel loved and cared for by the people I surround myself with and the community that is here. and I don’t need a boyfriend to feel important and cared for.

then there’s all these invites for hut and rating trips that keep flooding in that make me wish there were more months in our seasons. I feel like I’ve gotten on some single-space-left-for-last-minute-trip-who-do-we-know!?-call-Tiia-list. not a bad list to be on. right now I could spend the next 12 days in the Woody Creek Cabin in Cooke City if I wanted to. I might have to turn down some of it.

tested my well today. now there’s no reason to hold back. I am doing this. all in.

as soon as I got back I felt like home. I didn’t have that week of depression and missing my family that usually follows. rather, I worry this time will fly by a little too fast. it’s incredibly good to be back in the Madison valley. this is home. I want this to be home for long time to come. I love skiing around big sky and realizing how many friends I actually have there, many people to welcome me back. it’s good to be home. skiing with friends.

I have been shopping for land. I put an offer in on one that I am pretty sure I want. I am torn though. it’s a bit terrifying, but I am fairly certain I am doing the right thing. I want to grow old here. few folks here in the community are rallying to help me build a house and they are collecting materials.. windows, siding, water heater… I am a little heart tugged by the caring community we have here.

on another note. I met someone. maybe this is nothing. but. turns out he is  someone I’ve met in a long time that I actually might like to keep. at least for a little while. I don’t know what to make of the whole thing tho. it’s happening so quickly and I am letting it happen. I met him for a random tinder date on Tuesday. he’s cute, funny and nice. he’s the kind you take home to your parents. he kept texting me. so on friday I asked him to ski the sphinx with me. we didn’t summit but we had a great day of shit-fuck-skiing. we met again on sunday for a walk up the M, dinner at the Bacchus for Super bowl. whiskey at his house. sex 4 times. breakfast and lots of kisses.

4 times. yup.

tread lightly now. be brave. I am trying this on for size. I think it’s been long enough that I am as ready as I’ll ever be to try this dating thing. I still don’t understand the process or what this is. I’ve said before, I still don’t understand what relationships are, what they are supposed to be and how they take place to begin with. is this how?

and really, how do you approach a relationship now that everything has changed? now that I don’t need anyone. now that I don’t have goals like kids and marriage. just the pleasure of his company and to warm my bed at night. I would appreciate someone and would be happily surprised if someone wanted to stick around. but. what do I do with this? nothing.

these are delicate times.