I made a big life choice this year. It may seem insignificant to most but for me it has been big. Instead of getting frustrated in an over crowded resort I have forced myself to find meaning outside of the tram line. because , let’s face it. I turned 40. not that 40 really has any significance with the tram line, but it does have a t with my well being and my well being on the long run and in my future happiness.

last year I realized I did not want my happiness to be tied to a resort entity that could care less if I was there or not. I have alway appreciate that gate dropping in behind me and leaving what ever drama came at me at Big Sky and letting me scake away scott free. this season I have been trying to learn something new. my life is shifting. it is working out.

I love guiding but I will have to forego a few summers in Montana starting now. my career depends on it. It makes my soul bleed a bit but at the same time I foresee a cashflow and future plans that will give me more liberty, better suited state of affairs and financial gain.

I bought a sled. The bronze pass is fording me into a schedule and to be gone from the resort on the weekends. sure, I could make the call and upgrade my pass any day to a silver, but why? there has been nothing so far that I am missing. It’s forcing me int things I am terrified. but there is this sled sitting on my trailer behind my house that I keep looking at and looking away from. I am so scared of the power of that 800 engine.

I was skinning up today at our local hill with my surrogate family. I am not entirely sure how I manage to win their love and how they have allowed me to become a part of their family, but I love them to death. Moose is part of their pack. I am a part of their tribe. on my quiet skin I wondered if there ever was a time for me to say good bye, or if I was met with a terminal illness.

all I could think of is that I have had more than my share of fun in this life. I have lived an exceedingly fulfilled life of joy, so much love, fun, self-indulgence and oh-my-for-the.love-of-god-scream-out-loud-the-best-life-anyone-could-ever-dream-of. A life fulfilled with people whom become my family I have made along the way. I have met the people that make your soul bubble and make you want to breathe life. The sort of people you have a life long love affair with, better than one you could ever have with your spouse.

They choose you every day when nothing obligates them to.

wilful. what a great word.

I promised myself I would write more frequently. because I want to remember my stories. because all and all, I am in awe of how beautiful my life is.

growth seems to happen in spurts, when you don’t notice. but then one day you glance back and see how you are today and how little you knew then. I don’t know what happened and when, but I feel like I matured. like at a million miles an hour and got jolted into my new location in space of mind.

for one, when I got my power back and focused on myself again, I regained myself. I also regained a man whom came back with honesty, a plan and life long commitment. I think it took me to set boundaries of what I was willing to except. after realizing he had lost me I think he spent a lot of time figuring out what it really is that I needed. and how he could be there for me. and that he wants to be there for me and he cannot imagine a life without me. for reals, people. for reals. I never thought he would figure that out, come back or let alone actually come back with a clear understanding of what I had a problem with. and what he needed to do, not only with rearranging his life, but how to be a partner for me. since around last april, I have been letting him try to make amends. and he has. I think it has taken me this long to start to feel less jilted towards him and actually feel like I have forgiven. every once in a while I still dwell a little, but at peace. with everything. career, life, friends, my homes… I don’t want for much else. except more time. always more time.

this summer when I got back to Ennis, I sat on my front porch for three days. I wanted to nothing but listen to the silence. drink my coffee, read a book and listen to the blue birds sing. I planted pansies in planters, watched humming birds buzz me and pronghorn grazing with their babies. all I wanted was to sit and stare at the mountains. have my own dance parties after too much wine.

I spent a very rushed summer on the river. I worked on my sauna some more, finishing some trim and siding. I took a swiftwater rescue class in Jackson that felt legit and I actually learned a ton. Alex and Chris came to visit me in Finland right before I left. We sailed, rowed, saunaed, partied and had a great time. Month later, Alex called me up for a middle fork of the salmon river trip. dream trip!

I was introduced to the world of whitewater rafting when I got invited to go on a Middle Fork of the Salmon river trip, I think maybe in 2006..? I have gone on trips down the middle fork a few times since then, but I have never felt like I was ready to row my own boat. And it’s been a few years since I was there. so it means a lot to me to finally get to row my own boat down. it’s a rite of passage for me and it blew my mind. It is a stunning, one of a kind place. and I know how to row. god damn I know how to row a boat.

couple days after returning from the middle fork, I loaded my gear up again and drove to salt lake to pick up Andrew from the airport. we then proceeded to drive down to the gates of lodore to put on for another 4 days on the river. I introduced Andrew to whitewater rafting. I have never brought someone with me on a river trip before, especially a boyfriend. I was impressed with how Andrew took it in stride. and thought it was adorable how scared he was. like when I gave him a sort of a safety talk before launch, he about bucked over and started hyperventilating. I assured him none of these things were actually going to happen :D. …. he started to calm down after a little bit and told me I am very good at rowing. he could see what we needed to do. I liked having him on the river. I loved having him on my boat. day three he learned how to row. when we derigged he always put the straps in their place and didn’t just tear everything off. little things that matter and made me go ‘aww’.

after getting off the river we had a few days to relax and be together. we spent those days on my front porch, grilling salmon and listening to blue birds and watching the sunset.

so much love here.

what an incredible life.

I wanted to ski well over a 100 days and I wanted to do it quietly. through this season I have deliberately done away with toxic friends and circles. and focused on the ones that care for me and stand by me. I know who I am, I know my heart and I know where I am true.

I am at peace. oddly, I am whole. I feel wilful, strong and clear headed.

over this last week I have been struck by reality. I am doing ok with it. I didn’t fall apart, nor will I. Instead, I got my power back.

I have been pissed. I will be for a while. thou, it’s nice to notice it didn’t break my heart. and I find it easy to move forward. I have been stuck all summer, or a couple years, maybe, but I have been now shoved forward, been forced to make a decision. regardless of if I wanted to make one or not. it was kind of made for me.

Instead of continuing to asking him questions that I never got answers to. I turned to my own sources. my friends and my wonderful therapist friend. it’s incredible the power he has to sort my thoughts out right. and after I have spent some time thinking about it, the answers are right in front of me. have been all this time, loud and clear.

which brings me to this. I realize lying isn’t part of how I was built. sure, white lies happen here and there and some things simply don’t need to be shared. I think I always believe in the good heart of people and I am utterly shocked when ever I find otherwise. that’s what kept me hanging on for so long, trying my darnest to believe.. to understand.. I am not sure.

I don’t get how he can live with himself. how can he sleep at night knowing he is lying. it almost makes me feel sick to my stomach when I see pictures of him and I wonder how that person could turn out to be a liar. it’s hard to believe, at all. also.. I don’t think he is living with himself very well. I do believe it is eating him up inside and he doesn’t know how to talk about it. to himself or to me or anyone else for that matter. mostly to himself.

I am a good goddamn person. he is rotten. that’s probably what makes me the saddest. I am disappointed that he turned out to be dishonest.

it’s damn good to realize that. this past couple weeks I have been spending time with lots of people that I love. people whom inspire me, I have intelligent conversations with, party with, ski hard with and most importantly, people who love me. people who stand by me.

write like the wind. do the work he said. I am in the bottom of this now and there’s no going back. Eric is the best sort of friend that I cold have ever asked for. he offers clear sight and wisdom. he sees me for who I really am. as I have been wondering on my ‘why?’ I have been returning to the same idea. what I seem to offer to the world around me is energy. he told me that even when I am down I bring energy. he also reminded me that he has seen me happy and I am rather happy being single. he also told me that I am a very powerful person and what I did with Andrew is that I handed all my power over.

I am allowed to be angry. anger helps me move through this. up until now I keep returning to all the good stuff. and returning to what I am missing now.

when I first met Andrew he created an incredibly safe space for us. for me to let my guard down and fall madly in love with him. he made me feel loved in a way no one ever has. he loved my body and stared at e often. I don’t for a second think that any of that wasn’t real. and that’s the drug. the addiction.

I have always, to my naive bitter end, believed in the goodness of people. I keep believing in people. I always remain optimistic because I don’t understand how someone could treat another person poorly. how someone could lie so much. I realize now he is used to lying. he has been lying for years. he is a snake. I think what has kept me hanging on because I have a hard time wrapping my thoughts around someone lying to me so much about everything. I have been incredibly hurt that he could lie to me, or set a trap to make me fall in love, completely use me and when the ski season ends in so many ways he has made it apparent that he goes back to his wife and kids. he will never leave her, she has him by the balls. she owns him.

I don’t doubt that he cared about me, but being a remarkably selfish person, who only does what benefits him. he completely used me. what a cocksucker.

Eric reminded me that I am a pretty level headed person. I know I am. I have my moments of crazy, we all do. but I realize his lying and treating me shitty, has led to me second guessing what I have really known all along and what has been in front of me. always second guessing. feeling slightly crazy when I have been second guessing my inner voice, and instead listened to someone feeding lies to me. little chinks in my armor week after week. mentally abusive.

I have thought about him. he is not a good person. I can’t imagine this sort of double life and lying has made him feel very good inside. or maybe he doesn’t even think about it. it’s just something he does to meet his own needs and it has become such a habit he doesn’t mind anymore. let us call him for what an asshole he really is.

dakota opened. I have to run.

for the first time in years I have decided to stay in one pleace for six months straight. I needed to. our business has been growing and the growth has not been painless. so, I figured I really needed to be here for one summer straight to see it through and see what the fuss was all about. this summer turned out to be our busiest summer yet.

we broke records left and right, it was also a record hot summer. I really enoyed the hot evenings, my long bike rides and going swimming everyday. I bought a SUP and spent a lot of time adventuring and making long tours on our local lakes and rivers. Finland isn’t such a bad place after all. well, sorta lame, but I found ways to take advantage of it. the warm lake life is absolutely fantastic! I also started doing 18km hikes with moose at the end of the summer and realized how much I really just miss moving my body in the mountains. breathing in moss and pine air made me feel very much alive and content.

the hotel was experiencing a major staff shortage, my sister had to step out of the office, put on an apron and start covering long shifts. I on the other hand had to step into her shoes and it was a snowball effect that rippled through our company.

I learned a tremendous amount of how to manage and sell our business better and got a clearer understanding of what our customer base actually is.

in the midst of an insanely busy summer, in the heat of it all, the second largest newpaper in Finland wrote a cover story about us. as if we weren’t already ripping at the seams, we exploded. our phones rang none stop and we could not answer all of them. we were on a roll. as if, after all these years of sweat, tears and beating our heads against the wall, and screaming loudly in the backwoods over here, the world took notice. we had been put on the map and we were getting a reputation. we were finally legit.

in october we were awarded entrepreneur of the year award. it felt damn good and I am very proud of us.

I head back for the ski season in three days. I have a lot of work ahead of me, which I am looking forward to emerging myself in. we have come a long way, but there is a lot of work to be done. onward!

life is as complicated as you make it. and as upsetting as your reaction to things out of your control.

I have a hard time accepting I am broken. after my accident I have, perhaps, been a tad naive to how my body would heal itself. that surely, if I just keep pushing through the pain, I will be just fine. the hardest part is accepting being cripple. that no amount of money, doctors, therapists, massages or yoga will put my body back together in the time frame I want it to.

two months after the fact I became unable to move, walk or do just about anything. and when the pain finally became blinding, I gave in to pain medication and spent a week crying in my soup on the island. the beating stormy sleeting storm outside coincided with how I felt about life and my prospects. being an able bodied healthy adult, when my health is suddenly taken away, hardest struggle is how to forgive myself, how to let go and how to accept the things I cannot change.

I finally have become numb to the upset of what I might have to give up soon. but I am clinging to hope that surely, this can’t be the end of it. I refuse to give up without a fight. even though perhaps the part of not accepting that I am broken and need recovery has been the very thing keeping me in pain.

I had a break through in my therapy last saturday when I finally stopped being angry, upset and sad about my state and listened to my body. after I spent the morning hobbling around downtown helsinki and holding my back, I laid down on my yoga mat and let it take me where ever it wanted to go. I didn’t have a routine in mind, I didn’t push my body into poses that hurt. I allowed my pain to lead me. after an hour or two of strething and prodding and poking at every aspect of my body, spending time exploring where it hurts and where it might not.. I found something. inside my abdominal cavity on the right side I found a muscle that seemed more like a summer sausage. it was hard like a rock. when I pushed and prodded it, I felt tugging on my lower back where it hurts. I then spent hours pouring over the internet what this muscle is, how it’s connected and how does it function, and then, how to stretch it.

I discovered several text book examples that were word for word exactly how my body is twisted and how my lower back arches too far forward. the way it hurts to walk, and how my body is pulled into certain position. the psoas and her friends.

saturday night, for the first time in weeks, I was able to have intermittent moments of pain free walking. but most importantly, I could walk without stabbing sharp pain in my back. this small moment gave me hope, lifted my spirits and turned my outlook on life.

I am still in pain. obviously. but when I do my stretches I can walk again.

the sun came out after weeks of grey and rain.

I’ve re-lived this moment before. I just watched your back disappear around the corner, or watched a door close behind you. or perhaps I turned away, didn’t look back and kept walking. knowing this was another good bye. we take turns leaving. I have said good bye to you a few times now. but it gets easier, because I know you will be mine today, tomorrow, next year. this is something we will keep repeating indefinitely.

we accept this as a part of what has become and what will be. we live and love globally and it doesn’t matter much which corner of the earth we curl into each other in. it elates my heart to know that I never have to worry, because I know, we both know, without a doubt, you will always be mine at the end of the day.

this time it was australia.

everytime after you’re gone, I see traces of you. the little things I want to hold onto forever. your smell on the pillow. beer can tabs in my truck, on the island, or better yet finding them months later somewhere. empty water glass on the night stand, your old receipts on the counter. the most ridiculous stupid little things that remind me you were just here. and that even though you’re gone as if it had all been a dream, I find proof it was real.

you told me last night that no matter how our lives play out, we will find a way. you’ve now said many things to put me at ease and taken a weight or a worry off my heart. somehow you always say the things I need to hear. sometimes I need to ask, but you always deliver. most of the time I dont need to ask at all. if I havent heard from you in a while, you remeber to say hi and tell me just what makes my heart all squishy and delighted. the sort of delighted that spreads into my bones and ligaments I didnt know were possible to feel. like a wave of warmth that washes over your body and reaches into corners of your being you didn’t know existed.

the thing about us that still surprises me is that from practically the moment we met, we were bound to each other. in a way I don’t think either of us have ever belonged with someone. there wasn’t doubt or question, we simply fell into a sense of belonging. like in some crazy, cheezy, other-worldly way I’m meant to find you in every life. like I’m always bound to you. like in some unexplainable way, in my bones, in my gut, I know where I belong. it took me half a life time to find you, but niw that I have you give me a sense of completeness Ive never experienced.

it’s apparent in the way our skin doesn’t just feel good cuddling. no, there’s an energy that flows between us when we hold each other. we can sleep through the night holding each other. all night. sometimes taking turns switching from you spooning me or me drooling on your shoulder.

time disappears when we are together. or maybe it just stops all together. you can order food, coffee, beers for us with “i’ll take two” statement and know it works for both of us. and sometimes all you need to do is look at me and you’ll squirt. we can come together. some nights you tuck me into bed running your hands along my body. while other nights you take your time playing with me. like, reeeeaaally take your time.

I can’t wait to stand on a mountain top with you. having you watch me while I ski my line has been one of my most tremendous joys of us. knowing you are there with me makes everything better.

soon, babe, soon.

I love you to the moon and back. and then some. this is different with us. this is of note. I am lucky to have met you.

my heart is so full, its overflowing.