I am here and this is me. I have never considered blogging in the past, feeling like it was for folks who had a lot more to say to the world than I ever would. or should.

but things change, and lately I have actually felt the urge to tell a story, just send it out there, regardless if anyone ever read it, if anyone ever heard me roar. and realized I didn’t want to make it as public and directly traceable to me as facebook.

the truth is that I’ve lived a colorful life already despite my young age of thirty (*gasp* I still think I’m young) and I really wished I could tell someone about it, tell myself about it. I wanted to use this blog more as a digital diary for myself, my personal shrink that I can talk to and tell about my worries, fears, doubts and how I got to where I am now.

around the age of thirteen it dawned on me that I could actually make my life be what ever I wanted it to be and it’s been a roller coaster ride ever since. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I can look back in awe that I,

a) made it through in one piece,
b) learned something from it, or not,
c) wish that I could share without judgment from those who know me closely and
d) makes me wonder if the outcome of those events has rendered me to be a good person or if I should fight some of those instincts and habits.

lately I have come to re-evaluate my life and it’s course, who I have become as a person and seriously wondering if I am making the right decisions. if I really am the person I think I am, and if the person I think I am is, in fact, a good one, or if I am failing myself (and others) in many fronts.

where I am now is actually another one of my dreams I thought up after a pretty devastating life event that made me seriously begin to re-evaluate the people I have surrounded myself with and realign my standards on how a person should ever be treated. how I should be treated! I think this event, has ultimately rendered me to become a better person, gain better understanding to seeing people for who they truly are and protect myself and loved ones from harm. at the same time, realizing that those who do love me and those who I love, deserve to be told what wonderful people they are and deserve to be loved openly the same way I wish I could/should be loved.

nothing in me thinks I deserve or want intimate love of another anymore, but I know it exists. while I have become jaded and quite frankly, horrified, to imagine someone in my life again that would have some greater effect on my state of mind or my well being, with ever grated amplitude I disperse love and joy onto those around me without reserve. lately, I’ve come to realize how utterly horrified I am by the though of needing to explain my thoughts, feelings or actions to another. I am utterly repulsed by the idea of being held accountable for my life through someone else’s eyes. I refuse to, from this day forward, to make a single apology or excuse for who I am and why I want to climb a mountain or run of to go skiing.

and it seems to be this fact of sincere happiness and love that I am doubting myself for. through complete and gut wrenching heart brake, falling worse than I ever thought possible and then picking myself back up again, I discovered that I am as strong as I always knew myself to be, finally finding happiness in life again. I am bursting with this sincere happiness because only a year ago I had considered compromising my own life because it was the only thing I could think of doing to stop the pain. not that I ever actually would, but I did think of it. a lot. I’d like to think of myself as better than that, though, and believe that the cause of my agony would never deserve that from me. i wouldn’t grant anyone that. ever.

it took nine summits to enable me to stand still for a moment with out acknowledging the nagging, and at times unbearable, pain in my chest. every summit put me further away from the hurt and brought me closer to me. each summit became harder to attain as I was getting better. i was healing through the blinding whiteness and the deafening silence of the mountains. it was the only thing I knew that no-one could take away from me and the mountains would never judge me. with loving care they each allowed me to stand on their summits without a fight. they were the one thing I could trust, they were always just what they appeared to be. I understood them and they were my haven of serenity and security.

finally about two months ago that tight constricting pain in my chest unclenched and I could breathe again. finally I am closer to finding peace. and I think this is where the journey begins and I get to start over again. not that I ever wanted to, but in order to simply breathe, I left a lot of friends behind and went to do what I so selfishly wanted to do. and that is to live in montana, in the quiet, wide open spaces and BREATHE.