a dear friend once said to me, when I was still having a rough time, that a true blessing is in finding someone who loves you because of all the things that make you you, and not in spite of those things.

a long time ago someone made me believe that if I ever loved someone, I would not get their love in return. for some time I have built my life based on the idea that no one would want me and love me because of who I am. there have been many who have loved me, but not for all the things I think I am worth loving. I resolved to love myself and leave everyone else out of it. cause in the end if I don’t, who will. in the process I convinced myself that I was incapable of experiencing love with someone else and even more so I realize that I became convinced that all these little things which make my life worth living and make me happy, are also things I would never expect someone else to love me for. these are things that make me, what make me love me, and love my life.

I realized that if someone couldn’t love these silly things about me, that are deadly important to me, they never really loved me at all. these are the little things that make me happy. in that light, I would rather spend a lifetime alone, than to compromise any of those things just to have a partner in life. I want complete love, not conditional love. in fact, conditional love is abusive. I have experienced it. I became to protect the core of me and vowed never to let anyone touch me there again. I came to believe that while I love myself for all that I am, I could not expect someone to love me for all those things as well. I had given up hope that someone would come along and not try to change me, but to allow me to change whenever it comes. I didn’t tattoo it on my body, so allow me to change and grow with me. or someone to actually appreciate the fact that I wear funny things, that I like to sit in the woods or that I like to drive fast or that I like to get on top of a peak and that, yes, I am irresponsible and would sell all my belongings just to ski. or that sometimes I am just flat out reckless. and that sometimes I just need to cry.

getting down to the bottom of this really. what this all means, and why I am letting this all go, is because how much I feel like he gets me. I know there have been people in my life who love me for who I am, and would have loved to be just this for me, but there’s something more about the part that I feel like while he might appreciate me for how I am (so far so good), he also contributes to my fire, which draws me to him like a magnet. I can relate to him, like he’s from the same make as me. different model, but same make.