that’s what he replied after our first date. with a heart attached. I asked mom if that meant he’s crazy. mom thinks I am paranoid and delusional. perhaps.

today I see that I am.

I liked him alright. enough that I might like to get to know him a little better. as much as his reply startled me, while I think there’s something wrong with him, I realized that it’s hard for me to believe anyone would want anything with me or really be interested in me. what in the world could he possibly want?

perhaps because I don’t see how –in this day and age– I might have anything to offer. mainly because I feel like I don’t have any of me to spare. I don’t see the point in a relationship. fundamentally, I no longer understand how they take place. or why anyone would want to stay with me, or keep me. I don’t know how to fall for anyone, truly. like. to want someone. to lust someone. to love someone. to want to see someone, to want to spend time with someone. to make time.

sure, I make time for dear people in my life. I have many friends and family I love tremendously and love spending time with them. and make time.

hooking up with someone used to be easy. I was completely uninhibited to love someone. today I am completely in love with several people, but I don’t know intimacy. I don’t know how to be open and loving intimately. I expect them to treat me ill. someone, surely, any moment now, will let me know I am not good enough. that I am too far away, I am too fat or there’s something very wrong with me. and surely they’ll never want to see me again. it’s because of this that I don’t even entertain the possibility that someone might be interested in me. that someone might want something of me. is it because I understand that I have nothing to give, that I no longer have any of me to spare. that I don’t see the possibility of loving someone. one person.

I see how afraid I am. so there it is. the reason why I am incapable of having feelings for someone.

protection.

yup. I built walls. I am safe here.