I am numb. hang your head in your hands and just breathe.

somehow, a heart break second time around isn’t nearly as bad. I think what also helps is that sincerely, I don’t believe James is a bad person. he’s not malicious and his generally been nothing but kind to everyone around him. I feel bad for him if anything. I know he loves me tremendously and I know he would love nothing more than to keep me, to have his best friend back. I also know he just doens’t know how to fight and how to fix it.

he keeps trying. I want to tell him to stop trying to fix it. the only thing to fix at this point is me. I need to step away from him and take this time to revel in myself. to find my ground, to find my center.

in all honesty, I can’t wait to be free of this burden. I want to let the chips rest where they fell. I want to be alone. I’m done with crying or having constant conversations about all the cheating that has been going on. I am tired of explaining how much I hurt. I’m tired of explaining anything to anyone.

I also look forward to being crazy with my girl friends. I look forward to being me, being awesome. I want to have a riot.

this year, I will be validated. that’ll be my new years promise.