the further away I am from Andrew, and everything that transpired between us, I see how much he hid the reality of his situation and hoped that I was simply too stupid to put it together.

I needed a distraction. I think the last time I gave it a good cry was sitting on my bed on the river bank of the salmon, next to the water on a sandy beach. I think I gave a it a good solid last cry. I am letting him go. I don’t think I have love for him anymore. I feel like I am released from the bind of loving him and being repeatedly disappointed in him. I will come to moments of missing him and being sad about who he was, what he was to me, how I let him treat me and how long I kept trying to make it work.

But I don’t really regret trying. like I said back then, I have the rest of my life to be right. I couldn’t just let go the person who was truly my soul mate in so many ways. In my previous life, I think I licked his bones clean. We were built in pairs and he is mine. He is my Hancock. He is my kryptonite.

I can love again and maybe someone can check most of the boxes. and over time, I will be happy and content, even if I didn’t get him, maybe I will have someone close to him.

with Chris coming into the picture, or rather, me finally letting him chase me, I see how fucked up my relationship with Andrew was and how much he kicked me to the curb. He treated me amazing from time to time, basically when we were alone, but there was so much shitty. way more shitty than good. Chris adores me and has been in love with me for years. It finally occurred to me a couple weeks ago what the hell am I fiting against? why do I keep shoving a cute, hot, has his shit together guy to the curd. Because he has made his intentions clear for a long time?

I finally gave in and realized this is exactly what I want. the more time I spend with him, I also find myself liking him more and more. he is a very nice guy and he would give me the world if I only let him.

I realized today. The one thing I frequently seek in my life is silence.

when I find a place or a moment in time that is silent, that is when I feel the most revelry, like ear shattering fissure in time.

I think the reason why skiing resonates with me more than anything, is the silent moments I receive. These are the moments I want to find again and again.

This is also why I love living on the island.

I don’t think I am unique in my request for silence, but I think I am unique in acknowledging how silence is the one thing in my life that keeps me together. I imagine that the need for silence might be a universal human request. Though I think mankind has long forgotten silence.

My porch is frequently silent. now I understand why my heart grows with every minute I spend on my porch.

the most silence I have ever experienced is in the mountains, surrounded by snow. especially up the volcanoes. the silence is deafening. and it is the most beautiful thing on this earth. silence.