wilful. what a great word.

I promised myself I would write more frequently. because I want to remember my stories. because all and all, I am in awe of how beautiful my life is.

growth seems to happen in spurts, when you don’t notice. but then one day you glance back and see how you are today and how little you knew then. I don’t know what happened and when, but I feel like I matured. like at a million miles an hour and got jolted into my new location in space of mind.

for one, when I got my power back and focused on myself again, I regained myself. I also regained a man whom came back with honesty, a plan and life long commitment. I think it took me to set boundaries of what I was willing to except. after realizing he had lost me I think he spent a lot of time figuring out what it really is that I needed. and how he could be there for me. and that he wants to be there for me and he cannot imagine a life without me. for reals, people. for reals. I never thought he would figure that out, come back or let alone actually come back with a clear understanding of what I had a problem with. and what he needed to do, not only with rearranging his life, but how to be a partner for me. since around last april, I have been letting him try to make amends. and he has. I think it has taken me this long to start to feel less jilted towards him and actually feel like I have forgiven. every once in a while I still dwell a little, but at peace. with everything. career, life, friends, my homes… I don’t want for much else. except more time. always more time.

this summer when I got back to Ennis, I sat on my front porch for three days. I wanted to nothing but listen to the silence. drink my coffee, read a book and listen to the blue birds sing. I planted pansies in planters, watched humming birds buzz me and pronghorn grazing with their babies. all I wanted was to sit and stare at the mountains. have my own dance parties after too much wine.

I spent a very rushed summer on the river. I worked on my sauna some more, finishing some trim and siding. I took a swiftwater rescue class in Jackson that felt legit and I actually learned a ton. Alex and Chris came to visit me in Finland right before I left. We sailed, rowed, saunaed, partied and had a great time. Month later, Alex called me up for a middle fork of the salmon river trip. dream trip!

I was introduced to the world of whitewater rafting when I got invited to go on a Middle Fork of the Salmon river trip, I think maybe in 2006..? I have gone on trips down the middle fork a few times since then, but I have never felt like I was ready to row my own boat. And it’s been a few years since I was there. so it means a lot to me to finally get to row my own boat down. it’s a rite of passage for me and it blew my mind. It is a stunning, one of a kind place. and I know how to row. god damn I know how to row a boat.

couple days after returning from the middle fork, I loaded my gear up again and drove to salt lake to pick up Andrew from the airport. we then proceeded to drive down to the gates of lodore to put on for another 4 days on the river. I introduced Andrew to whitewater rafting. I have never brought someone with me on a river trip before, especially a boyfriend. I was impressed with how Andrew took it in stride. and thought it was adorable how scared he was. like when I gave him a sort of a safety talk before launch, he about bucked over and started hyperventilating. I assured him none of these things were actually going to happen :D. …. he started to calm down after a little bit and told me I am very good at rowing. he could see what we needed to do. I liked having him on the river. I loved having him on my boat. day three he learned how to row. when we derigged he always put the straps in their place and didn’t just tear everything off. little things that matter and made me go ‘aww’.

after getting off the river we had a few days to relax and be together. we spent those days on my front porch, grilling salmon and listening to blue birds and watching the sunset.

so much love here.